To Mother

Alone in the dark, a young boy begins to cry. “Mother! MOTHER!” he calls out in desperation. Why does he scream so urgently? Why, in the midst of all that frightens us, do we often call for our mothers? One could deduce that perhaps it is due to the womb being our first place of memory for some, and for others a distant dream in the subconscious. Either way, this warm, dark, peace is our first experience of existence prior to birth across the board. We hear our mother’s heartbeat from within, alone in the dark. We are fed from her placenta through our umbilical cords. She literally gives us life. It makes sense to call for our creator when we feel threatened. However, the meaning of the word, “mother,” is far more complex than simply a female that has a child. Sometimes a birth mother passes, or they find themselves unable to care for a child who must be given to a close relative or perhaps adopted out. There are even some without a formal family. Nevertheless, most people will claim to have at least one motherly figure in their lives. How is this so if a mother is limited to the woman who gave birth to you? It isn’t. “Mother,” is not just a noun; it is also a verb. A mother is more than a woman who has given birth to or adopted a child, she is also a lifelong support system, protector, and guide to the world for anyone whom she chooses to mother.

A mother is a physical and emotional support system for those that depend on her. Before the birth of her child, a woman’s body provides sustenance for the baby. The intricate workings of the female reproductive system create a complex system of support which will nourish the fetus until the time of its birth, yet the need for a mother’s support has only begun there. As newborns, we demand continued, extensive support and nurturing from our mothers. The nature of this support extends beyond purely physical when we are first beginning to learn about trust, desire, and pain, things we are conceptually unfamiliar with before birth. Infants need constant reassurance that they are not alone. When newborns cry out in the middle of the night, it is the motherly thing to go comfort them however possible, often using intuition as her only guide. Toddlers also require a different type of support system. These are new minds establishing their place in the universe through experience and understanding; they will push boundaries, break rules, make rules, and try anything else they can think of that will help them start to see the patterns of social hierarchy and acceptability. Toddlers do well with a mother who will reassure them that taking a chance on their independence is okay while also reminding them through their actions that it is better to be kind than it is to be right. When we lack parental support as toddlers, we often become codependent, or rather, vehemently seeking approval and acceptance from outside sources in place of inner assurance, or confidence. This often can lead to severe self-esteem issues later in life. As teenagers, humans need more distinct methods of support from a mother-figure. Over time, the child’s needs become less physical and more emotional. Typical adolescents no longer expect assistance feeding and clothing themselves, yet may still yearn for approval of the clothes they wear, the music they listen to, or the friends they have made. This kind of psychological validation as a teenager is essential when creating a healthy adult. Teenagers that lack an appropriate support system or are in direct opposition with the authority figures in their lives as they are coming of age are likely to have many negative opinions of their childhood and themselves.

In addition to being a vital support system in a child’s life, a mother is also the protector of the ones she cares for. Though some may argue that the father is viewed as the defender of the family, the reality is that it is more often the mother who will fight the hardest to protect her young. That does not mean that the mother is an aggressor, but rather, a peaceful defender. Although if necessary, she will battle until her last breath to secure her family from harm. To protect her children, a mother must be able to assess potential threats to her child’s wellbeing and take appropriate action. At times this can mean physical protection from others, perhaps bullies at school, or even from oneself, in the case of mental health disorders. In the event of natural tragedy, it is a mother’s job to understand how much her child can bear. Pain is never easy to share, so at times, she must become a psychological defensive barrier for her young children. When my own great-uncle passed recently, my son had to attend the funeral with us at only three years old. He had heard of this semi-elusive concept of death before, but only pertaining to plants or the occasional unfortunate squirrel on the side of the road. I knew that my sensitive son was not yet ready to handle the reality that people die, too. When our Venus Fly Trap died, he moped for days. Aidan would tell me, “I miss our little plant…” breaking my heart every time. I decided to tell my son that we were taking a field trip to a funeral. Naturally, he asked me what it was, so I told him that a funeral was an event that people held to celebrate the life of someone they love dearly. He ended up having a decent time and I could spare my young child from the heartbreak of the reality of death in this life because he wasn’t psychologically ready. As the role of protector, it was my duty to understand the limits of my child. A mother is a buffer between her children and the outside world, which can be rather ugly if one truly thinks about it. To uphold the innocence of a child’s mind, separate from all the cruelty of reality, a mother must become a shield. She will be forced to choose when to allow hurtful, yet necessary, information to pass through to her child. At times, there may be information that the child will only be emotionally ready to hear as an adult, like the things that one is never actually ready to hear. When a mother transforms herself into a non-violent protector, she maintains a peaceful environment which will be conducive to the optimal growth of her children.

Perhaps even more importantly, beyond deciding when and how much to protect a child, a mother is a teacher of all things. It is her job to not only educate her children on the physical aspects of life, but also the mental, emotional, and spiritual facets. A mother is not a rule-maker or a dictator. Though it is her duty to instruct in every subject, a successful mother is more of a guide than an authoritarian. A mentor will show you the information you need, but will not do any of the work for you. Some women will overly coddle their children resulting in an ultimate disadvantage in adulthood. A common example of this is when parents will do their child’s homework for them. Obviously, parents should help or find help for their child struggling with schoolwork, however, some go above and beyond. While attempting to help their child complete assignments, they do not realize that their child still isn’t comprehending the material which is being taught. The reason a child will have trouble in school is generally a misunderstanding or they need further explanation to fully grasp a concept. When a parent completes all their child’s homework, but fails to recognize that learning has not actually occurred, they leave their child with a grave disadvantage. Aside from remaining ignorant of the material being taught in school, the child also subconsciously learns the very toxic falsehood that they need not work hard on their own because someone else will do the things they don’t want to do for them. If enabling persists as a pattern throughout childhood, when children reach adulthood, they find themselves to be entirely ill equipped for functioning in the adult world. If a child is deprived of natural and healthy hardships in life, they are never able to gain the necessary life experience to acquire the wisdom to make decisions in the world outside their parents’ house. An intuitive mother guides one to the solution without revealing the answer to the problem. She teaches her children to become their own teachers. A mother also shows you through her daily actions what she perceives priorities should be. In my own life, I always try to show my son that health is of the utmost importance by placing emphasis on why I will choose to eat fruits and vegetables instead of processed foods. However, my mother never discussed the importance of conscious consumption with me. I was taught that the hedonism of taste and convenience reigned. As a result, I became a sick adult with undisciplined eating habits which I had to work persistently hard at to overcome. By neglecting to teach me a vital life skill, my mother inadvertently put me at a disadvantage that has taken me quite a bit of effort to correct. We are always learning from our mothers, whether we are cognizant of it or not.

Forms of the word, “mother,” have existed since before recorded history; there have always been mothers. From conceptual mothers, such as Mother Nature, to historical figures of peace like Mother Theresa, mothers have been a consistent theme of creation and love throughout all of humanity. We are the essential beacons of life in humanity. We guide souls from wherever they’ve been and give birth to them as our children. The goal of motherhood is to raise a human being who can be independent, healthy, and happy. To be a mother extends far beyond the act of simply having a child because it is a constant state of being. To mother is to be a constantly adaptive support system, a line of defense against the cruelty of the world, and an empathetic instructor with the wisdom to see the potential cause and effect of her actions on the life of another. The act of mothering is something which any person can do, regardless of gender.