To Grandma

Grandma,

There are so many words here that I should have said to you more often than I did; especially later in your own life.

I was too frustrated with the pain that I saw you going through to tell you that my anger and aggravation were NEVER with you as a person.

You had done far too much for this family for me to be angry with you.

For as early as I can remember, your world travels brought you to South Haven as a caretaker for Kate and I while our parents worked. Some of my fondest memories were from your place. (Granted I was 5 or 6 years old; my fond memories were commandeering YOUR television set to watch U.S.A. Cartoon Express all morning [occasionally to be interrupted for Mister Rogers' Neighborhood], G.I. Joe and He-Man in the evenings, and occasionally The A-Team in the evenings. Deep down, I knew very well what I was doing taking over your T.V. set for my wishes and allowing you maybe an hour of your own T.V. time for Murder, She Wrote on occasion; but you were very gracious to my sister and I about it and about our demands).

Other fond memories were Big Wheel runs for the latest G.I. Joe figure or Hardee's runs for food.

YOUR house is where I left from to go to Kindergarten and where I came HOME from afterwards to wait for my father (Until then, I had just been in school for about all of three hours and Disney Afternoon was about to come on...).

I couldn't have fathomed at the time your eternal patience for us or just how gracious you were being to take care of my sister and I during the days when we were young, demanding, and often quarreling. (How many tapes did you have to rescue from the VCR to quiet the latest screaming fit again)?

Had I understood it at the time rather than staging G.I. war games, looking at the TV, or picking quibbles with my sister, you'd have been teaching me mercy, grace, and sacrifice beyond my young years. I don't recall He-Man, G.I. Joe, or She-Ra doing THAT during 30 second Moral spots or the Care Bears or even Mr. Fred Rogers doing that in a 22 minute sitting. No; for those life lessons to stick, maybe who I should have paid more attention to was YOU.

You always did inspire me and push me to pursue my writing dreams, no matter WHAT age I was at the time.

My younger years meant days at your house and Friday night sleepovers. I grew older and YOU gave me the opportunity that no one else would to help you at your antique store by minding the counter and cash register. My teenage and college years meant Summer jobs helping you at your shop.

The last five years of your life, I had to watch you suffer time and again. You were such a good and noble person that far worse people took advantage of your good graces and I watched it happen with my hands tied.

You most likely passed on under the false belief that I was frustrated with YOU because I'm the one who never told you otherwise.

I loved and appreciated you and your lessons to me that I should have been picking up all along. I always had appreciated you. I was not always the best one at saying show.

I can see your patience and mercy in my father. I can see your steadfast overcoming of adversity in both of my aunts. I can feel you watching over me even as I write this.

I always loved and appreciated you, grandma; even when I allowed myself to get so burnt out and frustrated at what I saw you going through your last several years. I miss you now more and more each day; especially as I'm finally writing this open letter.

Rest easy. I hope that your life, legacy, and lessons can continue to live on properly through me one day if I should have my own little family...