To Divorce Or Not to Divorce

We all want to find that perfect love, our soul mate. The one person we can trust and go threw all of life's difficulties.

Sometimes we find it and then sometimes we lose it.

I thought I had found mine in my Hight school sweetheart. We were married for 32 years when I had finally decided to throw in the towel and call it quits.

It was a very hard choice since we basically, grew up together. And in saying that I realized we

Also grew apart.

I thought we would be together and retire and go off and travel the world.

When we picked out our house I had envisioned our grandkids eating my fresh baked cookies at the kitchen counter.

Imagine grieving the loss of your marriage before you have even filed for a divorce.

I had to live like I was there but in my head, I was not there. It was like going threw the motions of life. You should be able to share your hopes and dreams with the person you are going to spend your life with.

I tried everything I could think of but when someone comes home for weeks on end saying they think we should get divorced you get to a point where you feel no matter what you do you will never be good enough.

I spend so many days and nights trying to figure out what was going to be best for myself and my kids. It came to a point where I was dreading every evening. I was terrified of everything I was going to say. Because I never knew what his reaction was going to be. I was never the type of person to make idle threats. So when I finally had enough and handed him divorce papers he could not believe it.

Life is meant to be lived not feared or dreaded.

I tried ignoring my gut instinct for years. I made more excuses for his ill behavior than I realized. And unfortunately, the people who suffered beside me were my kids and his family.

I was not close to my own family but I was very close to my in-laws. There was a lot of fear about losing them as my family had if I filed. That was one of the things I had to consider to weigh the pros and cons.

My ex-husband was not as close to his family as I was (he still isn't.).

It was very sad to me since he was my best friend and then we married and he became the center of my world.

Then things started to change. People started passing away faster than we could all adjust.

It became impossible to keep focusing on anything besides surviving from one day to the next.

Do I still love him? Yes. We had a lot of bad things happen and we came out the other end ok.

We have three kids they are all adults now but there will always be some kind of function to go to that we will both have to attend.

However, when it comes to odd relationships we take the cake.

We can go to family dinners and sit at the same table. Hell, he even asked me to attend his wedding.

I made friends with his first girlfriend after our divorce. And I am friendly with his new wife.

I won’t lie there are plenty of days I struggle with my decision, But I always remember why I left.

The best day so far I think I had was the day I saw a picture of him with his new wife’s family. They had not been married yet. But there was a group picture and he was smiling.

SMILING!! An honest-to-goodness smile. He has not smiled like that in so many years. when I saw that picture I knew I made the correct choice.

Everyone deserves to be happy. Do you know how they say if you love someone let them go?

Well if you can get past the feeling of loss and can find a way to live with your decision, then you need to do what is best for everyone.

Like I said I have days I question my choice. But, for the most part, we are all happy.

I am learning how to take care of just myself. I spent my whole life taking care of other people, Although I still have one of my kids living with me it is easier to focus on what makes me happy.

For many years I had forgotten that I loved to read. I loved to exercise. I have always hated to shop! I still do. But I remembered I love the beach and going to the movies. I love walking with my dog. Watching the sunset over the water.

Finding someone new is not on my radar. I catch grief for this from my family and my friends but I am ok with it. I like my me time. I enjoy the quiet.

My biggest piece of advice I can give is that if you are feeling some sort of way and you are listening to your gut and going against it then you should reconsider and listen to yourself.

Never forget you are important and never feel like you are not worthy of happiness.

We are only on this plane for a short period of time. Live life to the fullest. No regrets. Everything you think that will haunt you for life will fall away and no one is going to remember them.

Live your life do no harm and take no shit. Travel, visit with people you have lost contact with, reach out because sometimes they are not sure of what they should be doing.

I lucked out. I reached out to both the friends I had not spoken to in years. And the family members that I was not able to speak to because of many differences.

They all seemed to understand once I explained. I never asked anyone to take sides.

As I would never be able to take sides against a friend or family member unless they did something totally against my beliefs. I ended up not losing my family on either side.

I have made friends and learned to go out with friends and family.

I listen to my gut way more than I have in the past.

Live. love. laugh.