The Truth, And Nothing but the Truth Will Get You Divorced

"Marriage requires searing honesty at all costs. I learned that from my third wife." – Alan Arkin

I have been happily married for decades. In that time, my spouse and I have never separated. Oh, we have had some toe-to-toe, face-to-face, throw-down disagreements but have had many more good days than bad. We base part of our success on dishonesty. The right white lie will keep you together.

Orange Folly

I expect truth from my spouse except about my hair. I never, ever want my husband to say that my hair looks terrible. He knows this. I told him before he married me. I once came home from a four-inch-long haircut with bright orange hair. He said," Looks good, honey," with a straight face. He did not giggle. I thought I was young and hip, but in reality, it looked like an orange pigeons' nest. I figured that out myself weeks later. We laugh about that hairstyle now. I would not have laughed then.

Not Indiana Jones

We were shopping in Rome when my spouse brought the ugliest hat I had ever seen. It was some bastard version of an Indiana Jones hat. When my honey put it on, he looked ridiculous. He took the hat, perched it on his head, turning this way, and that way, with a massive grin on his face. "I’ve always wanted one of these,” he said.

Then he excitedly turned toward me to see what I thought. I told him he looked fantastic even though he looked like an old man who just chased the neighbor kids off his lawn with an ugly hat on. What mattered was that he thought he looked like Indiana Jones, so I reflected that view. Years later, when he wears that hat, I comment on how ugly it is, but I did not say a word when he brought it.

"Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke, and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome." — Jerry Seinfeld, American comedian

Piss is not a Color

There was the time that I found a piss-yellow dress that fit me so well that I brought it. The color was not good against my reddish-brown skin. My spouse complimented the dress's fit and mentioned that he had not seen that color in my wardrobe before. He took his piss-colored dress-wearing wife to the movies, dinner, and dancing. We got a lot of looks that night. I don’t think it was because he or I was dressed like celebrities. Somehow, I never wore that dress out again. Each time, my spouse encouraged me to wear something else, but that first time he was accommodating to my madness. When I finally gave the dress away, my sweetie took it to the Good Will for me.

Keep the Dick Print Home

My husband has a pair of running shorts I would like to throw out. When he was younger, they were fit exactly right; now, the shorts are too tight. I don’t think he noticed I encourage him to wear those shorts when we are at the house, alone. I don’t think showing everyone his dick print is a good thing. Barbequing In our backyard, swimming in our pool, with no company, is the place for those shorts. I appreciate seeing his tight display. When we are traveling, those shorts always seem to be dirty.

Note that a truthful comment in any of the above situations would have harmed our relationship. The whole trust and nothing but the truth is not required all the time.

There are times when you don’t need to speak up. You might want to keep some bits to yourself and save your relationships. If you can’t say something good, lie.

Originally published on medium.com https://medium.com/muddyum/the-truth-and-nothing-but-the-truth-will-get-you-divorced-13e190129d53