The Trauma of Sibling Sexual Abuse

Sibling sexual abuse is traumatic for family members. However, as a parent, the realization that one of your children is sexually abusing another is harrowing. How do you deal with the pain and the trauma?

When you discover that someone you love and trust has sexually abused your child, you go through a blizzard of emotions. You suffer intense feelings of anger, shock, confusion, anxiety, betrayal, denial, disbelief, and even guilt.

You ask yourself, “Why didn’t I see this coming?” You might even see yourself as a failed parent.

The storm is even worse when the perpetrator of the abuse is another of your children. You are torn between protecting the abused child and getting help for the abuser.

Healing is a lengthy process that takes resilience, strength, and support from family, the community, mental health professionals, support groups, and law enforcement personnel.

The abused child faces a myriad of emotions too. They may be tormented by distress for reporting their sibling, may suffer self-doubt, and may fear retribution from the abuser.

According to experts working with the National Child Traumatic Stress Network of the USA, sometimes, in a desperate attempt to make up for what they see as their contribution to family problems, the abused child may now say the abuse never occurred.

Psychologists say that recanting the disclosure does not mean the abuse did not take place. The abused may retract the story because of fear of what will happen to the family and the abuser, and for lack of family support.

To support the abused child, you as the parent need to affirm them, assure them of your love, tell them the abuse is not their fault, and assure them of your protection.

You need to gather your strength and do the following:

• Support the abused child

After assuring your child of your love and support, visit your GP, family doctor, or your local hospital to ask for a referral to a child psychologist.

It’s best to get a psychologist experienced in working with children who have been sexually abused. Respect your child’s gender preference of a psychologist.

Check with the children’s protection services in your area. Take advantage of the help and support they offer for children who have been sexually abused.

• Report the abuse

Difficult as this might be, you need to report the abuse to family services. Depending on the age and the laws of your area, the offender might be removed from home and placed in detention.

The law enforcement authorities might order the offender to undertake a court-monitored treatment program.

• Continue with family routines

The knowledge of the abuse will change your family. It's crucial to continue your normal routines like eating together, watching TV together, and going for walks. In addition, talk to the abused child one-on-one.

• Accommodate the abused child’s feelings

There will be good days and bad days. Be patient as you walk through the different feelings and moods the child will experience.

Just be there for the child, assuring them of your love.

Depending on the child’s age, you can use pictures or cards to help them express their feelings. An older child might benefit from expressing their feelings in a diary or a journal.

Let the child know they can talk to you about everything. Work with the psychologist to help the child.

• Manage your stress

Manage your stress through exercise, prayer, meditation, journaling, and any other method you find useful.

You also need to forgive yourself. Eventually, after you have dealt with your emotions, you need to forgive the abuser to find closure.

• Develop a support system

It’s crucial for you as a parent to connect with others whose children have been sexually abused. Look for networks that offer support for parents of incest, sexual abuse, and rape survivors.

In addition, it’s best to go for individual one-on-one counseling.

• Make changes to your home

You need to create and enforce new family rules and guidelines. For example:

• Make sure that the home is safe for the abused child and any other children living there.

• Encourage children to speak to you whenever something threatening or unpleasant happens to them. Discourage a culture of family secrets.

• Supervise children’s activities, particularly when the abuser is present.

• Provide adequate and appropriate childcare by a responsible, trusted adult.

Final thoughts

Children who have been sexually abused can and do recover. They need psychotherapy support to cope and recover from the trauma. Most of all, they need your support, validation, and care.

However, don’t forget the abuser, don’t forget yourself, and don’t forget other family members. You all need professional support to heal from this traumatic experience.