The Toddler Cult

“Kabutt,” 2-year-old Maggie whispered, shaking her sippy cup across the dining room table. “Kabutt.”

Mom looked up from the couch, unsure whether Maggie was trying to drown or baptize the dining room table.

Later that evening, Maggie could hear her parents talking as she set up the ritual in her tent. “Do you want to have a pizza date tomorrow?” she heard Dad say. “Yeah, that sounds great!” her mom responded, “It’s been a while since we had some time together.”

Maggie didn’t have time for this boring talk, she had serious business to attend to. She turned on the star light in her tent and sprinkled water over her sacred space as she whispered “Kabutt, kabutt, let the powers that be unite. Kabutt, kabutt, bring from darkness the light.”

As she finished the ritual, the answer to her problem came to her clear as day! Bananas were what she needed. She came rushing out of her tent, determined to make the tasty fruit her own. She would never need to go to bed again!

As she made a beeline for the kitchen she was stopped by Mom. “Maggie,” she said, “it’s getting late. I think we should settle you down for bed.”

“NO!” she screamed out loud. Maggie continue to fight her was toward the kitchen. She knew eating a banana would save her from this terrible fate. “Nana,” she yelled, her small body flailing as Dad picked her up and started carrying her to her room.

She fought them off for as long as she could in what felt like an epic battle to the death. She fought Mom as she tried to put on her footie pajamas. “Maggie, these are your favorite pajamas,” Mom pointed out. “See, they’re your monkey pajamas.”

Maggie found herself feeling briefly placated as Mom pulled the hood up on her pajamas. She was surprised that she felt calmer as Dad read to her.

“Pajammy to the left,” Dad said in a fun tone. “Pajammy to the right. Jamma, jamma, jamma, jamma P!J!”

Maggie was powerless against Pajama Time. Dad laid her down into her crib and she found herself gently falling into the restful darkness.

Soon it was light and Mom was walking slowly, too slowly Maggie thought, toward her prison. “Good morning!” Mom said brightly, almost succeeding in stifling a yawn.

“Hi!” Maggie said brightly, “George?”

“Let’s have some breakfast first,” Mom said.

Maggie realized that she would need to keep up her strength through the long waking and that she might be able to fool Mom into giving her a banana.

“Nana?” Maggie asked, pointing to the bright yellow fruit on the counter.

“Sure thing,” Mom said, “I’ll put it in your oatmeal.”

This sounded pretty reasonable to Maggie and she decided she could perform the ritual over her oatmeal.

“Kabutt, kabutt” Maggie whispered as she sprinkled her apple juice over the oatmeal. She was sure it would work.

Maggie watched her cartoon and began to play dress up. She could be everything if she never slept again and she needed to practice! After a couple hours, Maggie was getting hungry again and decided to have another banana. She pushed a chair to the counter, climbed up, and took the delicious fruit.

Maggie quickly remembered she had never opened a banana herself before so she got started in the way that seemed best. She began to gnaw on the tough outer shell. This was obviously a test from the powers. If she could get through, certainly sleep would be beyond her.

“Maggie,” Mom said, “let me help you.” And with that, Mom broke open the banana peel and handed it back to Maggie.

Maggie faltered a little. Would the Powers still allow her to stay awake if she circumvented the test? Maggie ate the entire banana and tried to eat the peel before realizing that it was gross and she didn’t want to eat it. But surely the quest was complete – “Kabutt,” Maggie whispered for good measure.

It wasn’t until lunch time that Maggie realized she was feeling tired. Mom was making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and Maggie asked, “Nana?”

“No, not this time sweetie. Too many will give you a bellyache.”

Maggie was sure the Powers would bless her for having two bananas that morning, so she quietly ate her sandwich and applesauce. As she ate, she began to feel strange. It was not a pleasant feeling! What could she do to make it stop? In frustration she gave out a yell and threw her applesauce to the ground. She fought, fought against the dying light as she thrashed her arms and legs.

Dad came over, “Maggie, what is wrong?” He asked, even Maggie could tell he was concerned.

“Poor Maggie,” Mom said, “you must be worn out.”

WORN OUT!? No, the power of the ritual had not failed her! It could not fail her. She would be awake forever, never missing out on anything.

Maggie continued thrashing her arms and legs from side to side. She heard Dad say the dreaded words, “Nap time?”

Maggie felt Mom shake her head “yes.”

“No,” Maggie thought, “it can’t be.”

They slowly walked up the stairs. “Sweet dreams, my sweet,” Mom said as she laid Maggie in her bed.

“We love you,” said Dad.

As Maggie drifted off she realized that the coffee Mom had each morning must be what saved her from nap time. She would try that tomorrow.