The Root of the Issue

It is said in almost every civilization that the family is the basic building block of the community, the society, the kingdom and nation. Therefore, everything starts in the home. The health of the home is directly contributing to the health of the broader society at large, being that families produce individuals, which are the most basic units of humanity. As each individual is born and grows, their individual health, attitudes about life, their beliefs and expectations of life all of coalesce into a collective bundle of cultural norms and ideas that directly influences societal health, attitudes and beliefs. Using this logic, one can surmise that unhealthy families create unhealthy individuals who coalesce into an unhealthy, greater society. If I could draw a parallel in nature—the nation, society and community are much like a forest, which essentially, is a collection of individual entities, albeit of different species and existing as individuals, but do so together as a collective. These forests, these massive communities of trees and other forms of vegetation all begin with tiny, individual seeds and are nurtured by their environments—the dirt in which seeds are planted. I have learned to see human beings in the same respect. As we are socially organized, our collective health is dependent upon how healthy each individual is and this health, or lack thereof, is hugely influenced by the environment in which the individual was raised in. Trees start with a seed; humans start with an egg. This egg, at first, is nurtured within the womb, which, like nature, nourishes nascent humans, who are totally immersed in the environment which is its mother. The health or emotional and psychological state that the mother is in is inherited by the sentient being that emerges from the egg. Thus, if any malfeasance occurs or manifests within the adult personality and psyche, then the root of the issue is most likely the parental style which raised that individual or the formative environment or people who were responsible for rearing the young individual. Logically, the process of healing must start there. Many ancient societies required their want-to-be members of the community to go through some sort of birthing ceremony where they must climb back into the womb, reconcile what was or what should have been and then be re-born again, reemerging from this symbolic womb, healthier, healed and endowed with a better sense of purpose.

Thus, there may come a time in our lives where we must stop before going any further, take stock of who we are in the present moment and make note of how far we’ve come. When this crossroads of sorts comes, we should look to the past to figure out what conflicts much be resolved, which attitudes must be forsaken and generally what must be released as no longer serving us. Often times, what helped us survive in one situation will block us from thriving in another situation. Everything, every coping mechanism and every attitude, instinct or belief springs forward from our understanding of whatever life situation we are in, yet if we are to transcend that situation and “level up” to another rung on the ladder, we may need to abandon some of the previously acquired modes of thought and action. Take a hot air balloon as an example. When first encountered, the hot air balloon is firmly secured to the ground with the weight of the bags wrapped around and attached to the sides of the balloon. Those bags serve a purpose and are needed—without them the balloon won’t stay put and people can’t board it. Yet, when it’s time for the balloon to ascend beyond its earthly position, those useful bags must be cut, severed and dropped with purposeful abandon. On earth they are absolutely necessary, in the air they are a hindrance and serve to only prevent the balloon from ascending any further. Life is much like this. We may often acquire skills and methods of responding to life’s phenomena and need to learn ways to matriculate through life only to have to unlearn them later in order to adapt to an entirely new situation. Continuing along this line of thinking, if we want a new future that looks drastically different from our past then we must go back into the past to release or surrender anything, anything at all, no matter whether it is in our minds, bodies or behaviors, that no longer serve any positive purpose. Any negative attitudes, beliefs or modes of being which have powered you through past difficulties may very well hinder you from moving into a new and better future. Since every human being’s life journey starts in the womb, then starting there can be considered a good place to find the root of any issue.

So much of who we are is inherited from our parents. Everything about them has an effect on us—positively or negatively. Our parents represent our first relationships with both genders in life and the dynamic of each parental relationship sets the tone for how we interact with each gender. Any issues that a man has with the women in his life, can probably be traced back to his mother, any issues with men, likewise, can be traced back to the father. Our parents give us our first taste of authority in life, our first interaction with what love is, looks like, feels like. Our parents’ voices become our inner voices and inner critics and influence whether we speak to ourselves in an encouraging and gentle voice or a critical and nagging one. More importantly, the nature of our interactions with parents has a direct influence on our relationships with ourselves and the world. Originally, our parents are our world, particularly in the toddler years. As we get older, that world starts to expand from them and encompass more of the “outside” world. Our emotional well-being and our sense of self is a combination of who we truly are, how we express that to the world and then how, firstly, our parents, and then the world, reacts to that expression. This then informs how we go through the world and whether or not we feel as if our contributions are worthy and valid enough to be voiced to others.

Physically, our diets can be inherited from our parents, they are our first cooks in the world. Many of us have inherited non-nutritious diets full of carbs and sugar while others are raised with a more balanced one. Moving forward from there, our social skills are modeled by our parents. How we speak to people, how we deal with conflict and our ability to relate to friends, coworkers and spouses, are all first modelled by the parents. The emotional state of the familial house or living situation has an effect on the nervous system of a child. A child who grows up around people yelling, arguing, fussing and going back and forth over a loud T.V that’s always on, will probably struggle with cultivating a sense of inner calm or serenity within themselves, and will probably have a nervous system which isn’t an accurate gauge of the social scenario that one may be involved in. A nervous system that is out of whack may tell you that you are being attacked by a polar bear when, in fact, you are simply having a disagreement. This is how we have full grown adults with anxiety issues. Yet, a healthy adult has either done a lot of inner work or grew up in a house where boundaries were exemplified, communication was conveyed in a calm, caring manner that fostered understanding between themselves and parents with the emotional maturity level that allows them to make the child feel heard. All of the above comes together to create the individual personality, as well as, adds to the mental, emotional and physical health of the adult. Considering all of these, much of it major and much of it quite minor in scope, one logically would agree that parenting should be an art, a science—not something that is done unconsciously and by happenstance. If I hold myself accountable to the ideal that my own very state of emotional maturity, health, as well as my attitudes about life, money and success will influence my child and effect their very own health, then it is in my unborn children’s best interest that I become the healthiest version of myself possible. To not do so would be to knowingly pass on the very things that caused me pain to be acted on and passed on to my own children. For me to do this would be willfully ignorant and a blatant dropping of the ball. If I already know that the proverbial buck of unhealthy generational habits and attitudes stops with me, then not only should I not renege on an opportunity to heal as a person because this ultimately will render me a better parent. My best self contributes to my children’s best selves and should lead to them developing into the best adult versions of themselves.

This is just the beginning. It’s where the journey starts, not where it ends. Once we analyze our childhoods and the childhood of our parents and even our grandparents, we will see that it all tells a long coherent generational story. Perhaps, we may even allow ourselves to hear the call to transform and to heal, thus becoming the saviors of our ancestral line. This healing brings the opportunity to shift the trajectory of the family and bring in a much better life for our grandchildren and their progeny.