"The Road We Travel"

In my recent article, "The Truth of Being a Survivor" I spoke about what it means to me to be a survivor. This has been put to the test this past week which pushed my internal boundaries and brought up many memories of what I went through. So I would like to say to anyone reading this, "it is never ok to abuse someone. It is not your fault if they do. No matter what they say you did not deserve it and there is no excuse for it." I saved myself and was able to escape my abuser. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and definitely the scariest. I can honestly say leaving the situation creates an insurmountable fear inside of you that keeps you numb to the pain and almost too paralyzed to leave. I endured for 5 years before I finally found the strength to escape from it. For the past 2 years, I have been "free from the situation" but I have not truly been free. The memories haunt me. The flashbacks threaten to drown out the present. And along with these is a nagging type of paranoia. "Am I truly safe?" "Will he find me?" "What happens if he does find me?" It takes a long time to practice telling yourself you are safe and they cannot come after you. But what about the abusers who still are given access to us? Parents or family members, who are not restricted from us? What happens to those of us who can only improve on our situation, but are never actually saved? How do we overcome our fear? How do we find a sense of safety? I do not have the answers to any of these questions. I am still working on how to do this for myself and for my children. But I do know this, it is absolutely vital to the healing process that we have a safe environment. That means being safe physically, emotionally, mentally, and psychologically. All of these create an environment in which we can design a semblance of safety, for ourselves and others. For my children and me, this means talking about our experience and not hiding it. For me especially, I need to vocalize what I went through in order to heal from it. Hiding the details does not promote healing inside. So tonight, I wish to share my last and most recent abusive situation with my ex-husband. While I was visiting his family in another state, I was denied the ability to speak with my oldest son for months on end. I did not hear from him or see him and I began to worry about him. My ex-husband made a joke one night that if something happened to him and he died, his dad likely would not tell me since we weren't on speaking terms. While I did not believe him at first, I looked into it and when I called the state that my son was currently living in, I was told by the records department they did indeed have a child who was the same age as my son who had passed away recently. In order to determine if it was my son, I had to send a copy of his social and birth certificate and the city he lived in. It took 3 grueling months before I received an answer: it did not match the deceased child. This was the night after my ex-husband assaulted me and I broke down calling my son's dad and demanding to speak with him. My son got on the phone and the moment he said hello to me I cannot explain the amount of relief that flooded through me. I burst into tears, trying to hide it from him. This is the same son who has not been with me for the past 6 years and I cannot begin to say how much pain this has caused me and how much I miss him every moment of every day. The emotional torture of this particular instance is not one I share easily, but tonight I feel like I need to finally get it off my chest and speak about it. I know I am not the only one who has experienced something as traumatic and manipulating as this. Abusers will literally say and do anything to hurt us. It is up to us to pave the way to healing and find our way out of the darkness. For me, that road is me fighting for my son, no matter how that may look. It is finding small ways to help all of us feel safe and always know that we are loved. It is talking about what we went through. It is finding the courage to find that fear and overcome it. Tonight, I feel like a weight has been lifted off and I will continue to fight. Every moment of every day, I will fight. Tonight, I feel brave inside. Tonight this is who I am.