The postpartum depression journey

I want to feel good again, I want to feel better again. I am becoming forgetful of things. Today my daughter was calling me and I wasn’t answering her. I didn’t hear her calling me. It’s like I blacked out and I wasn’t hearing her calling me. Until my mother called me and told me that can’t you hear your daughter calling you? It has happened several times this week and I don’t know what to do with this situation. I can go the whole day without having a bath. I don’t want to get up and give my kids a bath, those are the things I am neglecting to do as a parent. I am single mother, raising two kids without a father around.

I bought my oldest daughter a bike and I want to be able to train her how to ride a bike, but I can’t because, I myself I don’t know how to ride that bike. Her father got her another little small bike for her. When he was here, because I have a history with him, and I don’t want to go back to him, but I felt uncontrollably with my feelings for him. Sometimes I feel like I want someone to hold me tight and kiss me, hold tight and tell me everything is going to alright, and never let go, but I don't have that someone.

Part of postpartum is that no one ever prepares you and tells you what you will expect when you have a baby and come home with the baby, and you happen to be single and with a toddler home. No one prepares you that you will experience this kind of emotions that appear from nowhere and start eating you from inside out. Like for example, what happens when you are single, with a newborn baby and a toddler and feel like you want to have sex? What do you do with those feelings?? You just had a baby five months ago and you already feeling like you might tear someone up anybody just to cool down those feelings! I am going crazy with the way I am feeling every day without no one to tell how I am feeling.

When do those feelings go away from you because you don't want to make a big mistake that you are going to regret later? Sex to me is an emotional attachment between two people. I do get emotionally attached to the person I have sex with. How do I deal with that? When my baby father came over on Monday, I want to jump over him and tear him apart because I know he will accept to have sex with me. But I don't want to make that mistake because I don't want to draw attention to him feeling like we are going to get back together. This man put me through a lot of things. And giving him ideas like we are going to get back together, is something I am not prepared for. What I had with him, is long gone and I can't give him that idea. On the other side, I don't want him to miss his kids. I want him in his kids’ life but that's something that I need to make a choice and decide later.

Another thing I have noticed on me is that I have started breaking my hair from my eyebrow. How do I stop doing that? It's not a good habit to develop as an adult. But When I do it, it makes me feel at ease. I can’t go outside for just a walk. Before I step outside, I will be getting phone calls like where did I go and left the kids alone?! My feelings and emotions are wrapped around my family.

I want this feeling to end so that I can get back to my normal routine and adjacent being a mother to my kids. The question is; How do I stop this feeling I am feeling? How can I manage it while I am in quarantine?