The People Dis-pleaser

I thought I had the perfect family. I know, lots of people say that but I truly believed it until about three years ago. Since then, I have seen the judgemental faces behind the masks and the hidden agendas. The recognition of this has been a roller coaster ride and a terrifying one at that, one in which, I was the only rider. It seemed fun at first but then it got out of control; I got sick to my stomach and I couldn’t get off. The operator of this ride was now saying they had no way to stop it, so I was forced to jump into the great unknown.

That might sound a little dramatic but it is an apt description of my experience when I woke up from my dream family. From the outside looking in maybe we did look perfect. Many people would comment how we were like the family on “Little House on the Prairie”. The façade started crumbling away after I got caught having an affair. This affair was extensive and when it was found out it was like a bomb went off in the tiny town where we live. My world fell apart as I realized I was in love with the man I was never supposed to talk to again. This was the catalyst for my journey of becoming remarkably real.

Looking back, it was naïve of me to think that my family and friends would be happy that I was no longer lying to myself and others. Now I can see that most people just want others to fit in the mold of whatever serves them. I was a people pleaser ever since I could remember. I was the youngest and my siblings were much older than me. I wanted them to spend time with me and value me so I worked hard to do whatever they wanted. I was spoiled by my father and grandmother but everyone else in the family made me feel like I didn’t really have a place. I had a complex duality going on in my head. I wanted to make everyone happy but I also wanted to do whatever I wanted. I was never out to hurt people but I did want to have fun, sometimes, too much fun when it cost other people their happiness. So, I just lied about whatever I thought people wouldn’t accept about me. I also lied about anything that might cause conflict. So, I was the family meditator and resident people pleaser. The underlying rule of our family, that was upheld by all members, was peace at any price.

This was just my way of life, hiding things about myself was all I ever knew. In order to please people, I had to lie to those closest to me. I carried this behavior over into all my relationships, it was especially prevalent in my romantic relationships. After years of feeling misunderstood and unfulfilled I finally realized it wasn’t my significant others fault they didn’t know me. During my self-evaluation while in my dark night of the soul, I saw that I was wearing different masks for whatever person I was with or situation I was in. I saw the damage that compartmentalizing myself had done over the years. That is when I decided to get real, really real with myself and everyone around me. I made a vow to myself that I was going to be the same person in every situation. That I was no longer going to hide my light to protect others. Also, I was not going to lie anymore to avoid conflict or make myself look like a better person.

I started by telling my husband the whole truth about the affair I had and the feelings that still lingered for the other man. I was terrified and my brain was screaming “no, not our secrets, shut up woman”. However, there was another voice, a small quiet voice that came from my heart space which encouraged me to speak my truth. Ever since that day I have tried my hardest to tell the truth and to speak up about what I believe. It is not always easy and I have slipped up here and there. The difference now is that I feel guilty and a sense of unease when I am not being truly authentic. It is a surprisingly freeing experience. I don’t have to worry about what secret might come out anymore. I no longer have to make up stories about where I have been or what I am going to be doing. I can stand up for myself and my family without being worried about what the other person might say about me in retaliation.

The other unforeseen outcome of me being my true self was the negative reactions I got from my family and friends. I just assumed they all would be happy that I was no longer lying to them and would embrace my authenticity with open arms. That was not the case at all. Part of that is due to the fact that I used to try to do everything for everyone. I spread myself too thin trying to please them all and I was always frustrated with the impossible task. I hadn't even realized how much I was doing for my siblings until I stopped doing them. For example, my family has always been very big on holiday traditions. So much so, that I could never have other plans on the holidays, we always had to do the same things in the same ways. I put in a lot of hard work to make these traditions happen, even though I have the most kids and lived the furthest away. Finally, last year, I just put my foot down and said no I am going to do Christmas morning at my own house. Well, the reaction was like the world was ending. My kids, siblings, nieces, nephews and my parents were all upset and acted like I was crazy for doing anything different. It is ironic because my brother is the biggest proponent of these traditions but he does the least amount of work to keep them going. I was literally doing all the hard work and I wouldn’t even get a thank you from him. I told them all those traditions are just guilt from dead people, served by the living. No one liked that and my brother’s family have treated me like I am a crazy person ever since I stood my ground.

My family is very conservative and religious. When I started my YouTube Channel, I was nervous because I do not conform to their idea of religion anymore. I don’t agree with organized religion but I am very spiritual. On my channel I read Tarot Cards and talk about things like Past Lives. I am also no longer hiding that I am a medium and a channel for the white light. My whole life I tried to hide that I could see things and speak with dead people. I was not willing to tell myself it was just in my head and ignore my gifts any longer. Of course, my family thinks Tarot is evil and that I am worshipping Satan. They know nothing about Tarot. I tried to explain to them that Tarot is just a tool and tools are not evil. A hammer can be used to build a house or crush someone's head. Basically, some people are evil, not Tarot cards or hammers.

The goal of my channel is to show others the power that lies within themselves. It is not evil at all, but one day, my dad says to me, “Just be sure and think about what you post on the internet it will be there forever for anyone to see.” I have never talked back to my dad. I was still very respectful in this case, but I couldn’t help but say something back to that comment. So, I got up the courage to say, “Dad have you ever watched my channel?”. He replied that no he had not. I just looked confused and said “What do you guys think I am posting on there, porn? At least go watch some of it before you judge my work.” I am moving forward in life being true to myself and my beliefs no matter what others think about it. I will never hide my light under a bushel again, in fact I am going to blast my light out into the universe. I wish my adversaries seen and unseen love and light but if the truth hurts it hurts. I am now proudly a people dis-pleaser. Sorry folks but I will take the gossip and dirty looks any day instead of being a fake person again.