The Lust for Life

Sometimes I get lost in the darkness, within the light, within the grayness of standards of living. The monotony and ease of the cells are dying out. And then I ask myself: do you remember what was called? Depression, powerlessness, darkness, or something else?

This is something modern, something completely new, something that makes me destructive to myself, and to others.

Like worms eating my stomach, drinking the juice of my life.

If I could call this a life.

Sometimes I miss myself, grieve, and remember the moments spent with me. All those personal, impersonal, meaningful, and meaningless sorrows, idealizations, beliefs, empty hopes.

And then I say to myself you: are heavy as a stone, and you hit yourself with this stone. When did I lose my self-esteem? When did I let hopelessness to urge me, to be my identity?

Why I feel that all the things that I love, and like, they solely disappear from me. They're gone. I know the solution, but I'm too ashamed to confess, to look in the core, and say loud when it did happen.

Because I still feel guilty, although, now, as a grown-up woman ..it wasn’t my fault.

Never was.

His hands around my body, his taste of alcohol in his breath near my face, and his brutal touching ..

I wasn’t able to get rid of him. His drunken voice: this a deal between me and you, don’t tell anyone. His eyes, I wish I had the courage to stick my nails in them, make him blind, make him bleed to death. I was a 12 old girl, worrying just about my grades at school.

And I was powerless.

Still, I am. It haunts me still.

I think being in control of every aspect of life is very important to every human. We frustrate ourselves when we see that we are involved in some situations, and we don’t really know how we got into them. And sometimes we cannot do anything about them, or at least we think so. In my opinion, this is when I started to feel powerless and desperate.

And yes, after all this we can easily become a patient, suffering from significant illnesses.

To be powerless means that you have to wake up early in the morning, as see a face and a body that you don't like, that you think is ugly. It makes pain and suffering in the heart, that

in a true sense, you are not able to breathe.

There were many times just spending time in bed, trying to sleep, and it never worked. So, I had to take my best friend at the time, Xanax. It felt good, calm, and peaceful. I was sleeping for days, waking up only for a cigarette, and eventually for food. I was hiding in my sleeping and dreamed nightmares.

I'm a grown-up woman and have a daughter. I am so powerless when I imagine there's the possibility to happen to her the same as me. That perhaps I will not be around, to help her and kill the bastard. He took away my power and my innocence. He took my soul and gave me only fear. Some way of living without knowing a way to be happy. To improvise happiness, although that’s not really possible.

Then often I catch myself how I'm so fatal about different, not important things, and that I can't stop it.

And yes, guilt and shame are my second names. Anxiety is my best buddy.

Sometimes I imagine tragedies, and then, I meditate and invent new stories, I visualize happiness, I tap for miracles, I read prayers ... AHH ... and finally I understood.

I'm gone. I left myself a long time ago. I lost my precious self.

It's time to change myself, to alter and go.

To be powerless it's not my identity, it's something that somebody made me feel like this. But, this cannot be me. Not any more I am working on that I will be able to be no longer a victim.

I often criticized myself and felt guilt all the time. Not focusing on the possible light side and solution,. Like I had no choice. I felt that anger was taking me, and never letting me go. Blaming me for every bad situation in my house or in my parent's house. A feeling that even makes you despair.

But I had a choice, I always have. Starting with small, simple steps. Feeling gratitude that I am alive, that I am surrounded with love, that I have a small part of my soul-my daughter.

I used to be always a victim because actually, I was hiding in shame and guilt. He gave me this to live with forever and ever. But the purpose of life it's bigger than suffering and feeling guilty. And when you have a child, when you love him or her with feelings that you have never felt before, then, life must be good.

Life must be a gift. Love is healing, and forgiving also.

I truly can't say that I’ve forgiven. I am still learning how to do that. But eventually, one day I will.

I'm meditating very often and it helps me to get into the core of myself. I found the inspiration in being alive.

I started to see the beauty in drinking coffee and drinking a glass of wine with my husband. I decide that I don’t need approval from anybody for the things that I wanted to do. This was really hard, I am still working on this issue. I tried and still trying to let go of the trauma, and I saw that I have not made a mistake.

It is as it is. I have to face it, to go on.

I began to see how the Universe is functioning on my behalf of me, I saw how God or the Universe is gentle with me, only if I stop treating myself as a victim I have to fight. And I do, every day, for me .. for my little precious daughter.