The Little Black Book

I squeezed my grandmother’s hand gently as she struggled to breath. She looked like a completely different person. Instead of her usual smiling self, her cheeks were sunken in. Her face was black and blue because it was easier for her to breathe on her stomach and she has been on her stomach for most of the past week. She was also extremely pale.

The worst part had been the ventilator. My grandmother’s mouth had been slightly ajar, and I could see the tubes that went down into her lungs. It almost seemed like they were killing her instead of helping her breathe. It was a tough decision to take her off the ventilator. We knew that she wasn’t getting any better and the doctors had been pushing for us to take her off because they needed the ventilator for other patients. My mother decided that it would be best to take away her suffering and she agreed to remove the ventilator.

I glance up and saw that my mother was quietly crying. She was sitting on the other side of my grandmother’s hospital bed. My mother struggled to wipe her tears as we both had to wear personal protective equipment to be allowed in the room. “Covid sucks”, my mother whispered.

We both sat silently as my grandmother respiration rate slowly went down 6 breaths per minute. And then in the blink of an eye she was gone. Covid-19 had taken another life. I blinked, trying to hold back tears but they came anyway. The nurses came in and escorted us out of the room. They helped us out of our gloves and gowns. I was told to wait in the car as my mother made final arrangements for my grandmother. I got into the passenger seat and stared blankly out the window. I wondered how many other families were going through the same thing we were.

Mom came back into the car. Her eyes were red and tears were still rolling down her cheeks. “I am sorry”, my mother said, “You have lost two grandparents in six months”. “I am sorry you lost two parents in six months”, I replied.

“I have to go through their belongings tomorrow”, my mom said. “Will you help me?” “Of course”, I said. “I know this has been tough, but it is almost over. Your grandmother wanted to be cremated like your grandfather. She also had already gone through your grandfather’s things and gotten rid of a lot. They live in a small condo so I don’t believe it will take very long.” I nodded and stared out the window again. This will be one of the last times I visit their place, I thought glumly as we drove away from the hospital.

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I fidget in my seat as we pull up to my grandparents’ condominium. I didn’t get much sleep the night before and the long drive made me sleepy. I sigh as I look at my grandparent’s place remembering all the times mom and I would visit during the summer. It made since why they moved to Florida from Pennsylvania. They didn’t need to worry about snow or slipping on ice because the weather here was perfect. Their condo was also just a few short blocks from the beach. The familiar salty air hits my nose as soon as I step out of the car.

Mom and I walk up to the door. “Alright, let’s do this”, my mom says as she pulls out the key and unlocks the front door. We step inside and I take in the familiar sight, knowing that this will be one of the last times I step foot in here. “Lets start by going through her clothes in her bedroom”, my mom said, “I will go get some trash bags from under the kitchen sink. Anything we want will go inside one and anything we don’t want will go inside another to be given to goodwill. Sound good?”. “Sounds good. Meet you in there”, I said and heads toward my grandparent’s room. I turn on the light in her closet and start moving the clothes that are hanging up to the bed so it will be easier to go through them. As I work, a leather black jacket catches my eye. I don’t remember her ever wearing this, I think as I take the jacket off the hanger and put it on. I quickly go in front of my grandparent’s dresser mirror. This looks great, I think as I turn. I notice the jacket has pockets and I put my hands inside them. Startled, I realize there is a rectangular object in the right pocket. I take the object out and realize that it is a little black book. I open the book and on the top right, I see my grandmothers name Sheila Helmbold. This must have been my grandmother’s notebook I think to myself and I flip through the book. I am surprised to see that almost every page has writing. The book is filled with plan to go to Ireland. They wanted to go to the country where their parents were born. They had hopes of going on hikes and watching a game in Dublin. I feel a tear go down my cheek, thinking of the dreams they had and will now never get to accomplish.

Just as I finish reading, my mother comes in with the trash bags. “Sorry”, she said, “I got distracted”. I see that her eyes are red again and say “No worries”. I put the notebook back into my pocket. “That jacket looks good on you”, my mother says. “I think so too. Is it alright if I take it?” “I am sure your grandmother would have wanted you to have it”, my mom says with a smile, “Now let’s go through these clothes”.

For the next hour, we sort through my grandmother’s clothes. As we are finishing up, mom tells me to start putting the trash bags for Goodwill into the car. As I come back into the condo from the car, I hear a loud thud and then a scream. Oh no, I think as I rush back into my grandparent’s room. In the room, I find my mother had moved the mattress off my grandparent’s bed and laid it against wall. “What’s the matter?” I ask. My mother just points to my grandparent’s bed where the mattress had been. I walk up to take a look, figuring it must be a Florida snake or cockroach. Instead, I am surprised to find that there is stacks and stacks of cash in between the wooden boards of the bed. “Oh my God!”, I yell. “Your grandfather never trusted banks, but I never thought he would just leave it like this”, my mother said as she starts to walk toward the bed. Stunned, we stand in silence. “I guess I better start counting”, my mother says as she sits down on the floor and grabs a stack. “I’ll help”, I say and grab another stack. Before long, I watch as my mother is counting the last stack. She used her phone’s calculator to add the remaining amount. “There was $20,000 dollars in there”, she says in disbelief, “They were sleeping on top of $20,000 dollars every night”. “They were living their best life”, I chuckle, “I wonder what they were going to spend it on, or if they were just holding on to it in case of an emergency”. “I have no clue”, mom laughed. “I am sure that they would have used it to go on another cruise or go traveling”. Just then I remember the black book. “Mom, I know what they were planning on doing.” I pull out the book and give it to her. “They wanted to go to Ireland”. Mom starts tot read the book while I look at my grandparent’s savings. “They did”, she whispers. “I think when this pandemic is over, we will need to go on a trip”. “Really?”, I ask. I have always wanted to go to Ireland and learn about my family history. “yes, and we are taking your grandparents too”. She laughed, giving me a wink.

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On the top of Mount Brandon, we gaze at the beautiful coastline. I watch as my mother takes out my grandparents ashes and starts to scatter them. “They finally made it”, I say watching the wind take the ash. “Yes”, my mother whispers. We look out onto the coast line before descending down the mountain.