The day my missed miscarriage came

5 years ago I was told I was unable to have children, and as much as I hated this I had kind of come to terms with it. Just when I started to accept it we went into lockdown due to the corona virus pandemic. My partner and I enjoyed the sunshine in the garden, each other’s company and eventually came out of lockdown with some amazing happy news; we were pregnant and happier than ever. Our parents were told but that was it as we believed it was best to conform to the stigma that you shouldn’t tell anyone before 12 weeks. I was eager to tell my friends and the rest of our families, so we booked a private scan and they confirmed I was 7 weeks. We saw our little baby with a strong healthy heartbeat. Tears flooded our eyes and quickly drowned our masks we were required to wear. We were elated and were confident to tell more people.

A couple of weeks later at 9+2 weeks I had some spotting, a panic rush to A&E and some blood tests later; I was booked in for an emergency scan the next day. The next day came and I didn’t have much hope as I believed this was all too good to be true. However, the news was good. There was my baby, measuring 9 weeks with a healthy heartbeat. I knew in that moment then that I had nothing to worry about. My belly grew for the next 3 weeks so much that I was noticeably pregnant and showing a lot for 12 weeks. But, I was happy with this. I felt pregnant and I felt proud of my bump.

My partner and I walked into the hospital 15 mins before my appointment for my 12 week scan discussing baby names and deciding we weren’t going to find out the sex, it was going to be a surprise on the day of birth. I booked in at reception and handed over my maternity notes that I was proudly carrying as if it was my proof of the baby that was growing inside me. The lady called us in for the scan and she was very kind and welcoming. I laid down and as she gelled up my tummy and started scanning she asked if I had any prior scans. I told her yes, two and both were good news. I was still expecting to have good news on this day. Unfortunately that wasn’t so. The words “I’ve found an issue, I’m afraid I can’t see a heartbeat” still ring in my ears. She advised my baby was measuring 9 and a half weeks. As nice and as kind as this lady was, I didn’t want to believe her and I refused to as at 9 weeks I had a scan and my baby was fine. But alas, I was experiencing a missed miscarriage. My baby’s heart stopped beating only a couple of days after I saw it beating so strong.

I still find it strange that after having no symptoms at all, it’s like hearing the news on my 12 week scan triggered the symptoms to start. That night I had spotting and made the journey to the supermarket to stock up on extra long and thick pads and some big knickers. A few days passed and not much had happened. I was still convinced that they got it wrong and my baby was fine. Then bank holiday Monday I woke at 5am to a wet feeling in my knickers and slight period cramps. I managed to fall back to sleep after a quick trip to the toilet and a clean up but I was woken a few hours later with the worst pains I have ever experienced. I spent majority of the day on the toilet or laying on the landing outside the toilet as it was too unbearable to move any further. The pains would come and go but each time they were more excruciating, I then realised the likeness to what I can only imagine are contractions. God I wish I had realised that you do actually experience contractions during a miscarriage before I went through it. The few minutes in between each contraction felt like a blessing, but with that blessing came the clots and continuous bleeding. I cried a lot that day, I cried and screamed. I mourned my baby as I felt the large blood clots passing out of me and I thought it was never going to end. After a long 6 hours, it did. It stopped. Then I just felt empty, tired and miserable that it was over because although excruciating it was a reminder that I had been pregnant and I still had my baby inside me. Now, my baby is gone and I am no longer pregnant. Emptiness has taken over and I write this only a couple of hours after naturally miscarrying. I feel worse than I did 8 hours ago when my contractions were at their worst. Now my baby has gone and I hate that my experience of contractions should have been in 6 months time with a healthy happy baby as the outcome rather than today with lots of blood and heartache.

I know there is hope for me as I go into the future knowing I can fall pregnant. I have been told this by numerous people. But that’s no consolidation at the minute. The silver linings are too far away for me to see and my optimism and heart is shattered into a million pieces.

I have read lots of blogs about miscarriage the last couple of days, and they’ve all helped in their own way but I hadn’t read an account of what it felt like or without a happy ending. For me and for this post, there is no happy ending.