The Day I Met My Foster Children

"The day I met my foster children I didn't actually get to meet them."

We never planned on being foster parents, let alone adopting. In fact, adoption wasn't even on my agenda. It wasn't in my long term plan. Neither was infertility. I had so many plans for my husband and I. I had so many big ideas on how and when we would grow our family and how we would handle every part of it.

I was going to tell my husband that we were pregnant on a plane (in true flight attendant style. Did I mention I'm a flight attendant?). Or maybe I'd tell him in a self-written song. I had plans for us to fly down to Texas and surprise my family with the news. We were going to pick the perfect name. We were going to make guesses about the color of our child's eyes, who's hair they would have, who's earlobes they would have, how much they would weigh at birth.

But it never happened...

We never got to do any of those things. I didn't get any of the things that I had planned for myself. The things I so badly wanted and so painfully grieve.

But on November 18th, 2019, something different happened. Something that wasn't apart of my plan. Something I can honestly say I wouldn't have chosen for myself if God hadn't taken every choice of my own away from me. Something unexpected would change my life and be the absolute existence of it.

On November 18th, 2019, mere moments after we completed our license to be foster parents, not one, but two tiny babies showed up on our doorstep. Two silent, little infants - twins - who had been through so much trauma and neglect in their short lives, that their caseworker would often remind us of how much of a miracle these babies were every time she saw them running and giggling with each other in our home in the days to come.

These twins came quietly. They came softly. but boy, did they rumble and rattle our world.

And before you get too confused, don't you dare think for a moment that these twins are quiet or soft in any manner of the words! You see, the thing about trauma is that it smothers its' victims. Even tiny little babies. Especially tiny little babies. Even ones with the biggest personalities, or the smartest minds, or the kindest and silliest hearts. Trauma puts a blanket over who a person really is. Trauma puts out their flame.

So let me back up and rephrase this... On November 18th of 2019, we met the twins, but we didn't get to truly meet them that day. Instead, we had to wait to meet a tiny bit of each of them day by day, week by week, month by month. Each day they trusted us just a little bit more. Each week they melded into our home just a little better than the one before. We watched as both twins blossomed as if they were flowers; requiring constant nurturing and care, growing in their own time and no one else's.

You'd never know if it you saw them now. These two quiet and tiny babies are now the most loving, cuddly, hyper and hilarious little firecrackers you'd ever meet. But back then, they wouldn't even cry at night. They would wake and just lie in their cribs. They wouldn't tell us they were hungry. They could barely look us in the eye. They'd lie still and let their hunger pangs roar. Silent. With no emotion. No expectations. With no trust that anyone would give them what they needed and with no thought in their mind that they deserved to have their needs met.

Some days their progress went backwards. Some days they were so clingy and terrified that I'd leave, that I felt as if I would never be able to leave the house again. They'd cry hysterically if I just simply turned around to put a toy back in the toy bin across the room. They had been left behind so many times before, they couldn't trust anyone to stay. I wanted them to know that I would never leave them, but they didn't know anything else but being abandoned. Try as I might to show them how much I loved them and gain their trust, it just wasn't that easy. Understandably. We, regardless of how fiercely loving and supportive we were, were still strangers to them. We weren't the parents they were supposed to have. We weren't the mom and dad they should have had. I wasn't the mother they truly needed. And that is something that will always be.

Regardless of how beautiful adoption appears to anyone else in the world, it is hard for an adoptee. It will always be. They've lost so much. Even if they've gained the world, there will still be grieving. Because it wasn't supposed to be this way. And it wasn't their fault.

I had absolutely no idea how big of personalities each twin had. Slowly over the next few months, we began to see bits and pieces of their beautiful minds start to shine and present themselves. Every month I thought to myself "Wow! I can't believe they've come this far. This must be as good as it's gonna get!" And then the next month I'd look back and realize how much more had changed once again. And the month after that I'd be suprised all over again at how much had changed again. And the month after that. And the one after that.

And this my friends, is foster care. THIS is adoption through foster care. And sometimes it can be beautiful and amazing like in the movies. But it is also hard and painful. It isn't easy by any means. Not for us. Not for them. Especially for them. It is hurt and disappointment and grieving. It is loss and abandonment. It is wishing for what could have been. And it is love. Loads of immeasurable love. And it is redemption.

I suppose I should tell you the exciting news. We are adopting the twins. I've never been more excited in my life to make these two perfect chicken nuggets apart of our lives forever.

And all those hopes and plans I had for myself...? I don't want them anymore. I don't want any of it. All I want is them. Because these two twins, in all of their craze and excitement and laughter and curls and perfection, are so much more than everything I have ever wanted or needed.

You two are my entire galaxy. My two galaxies. You are the best two things to ever happen in our lives. In my life. And I would never ever change a thing.

All I want and all I will ever need... is you.