The children raised by these three families spend their lives trying to please others.

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I'm used to saying "yes."

Recently, a popular search for "how unloving a flattering personality is on Weibo" has sparked a heated discussion among 40, 000 netizens.

One netizen told about his usual and heart-piercing childhood experience:

I remember growing up, my parents said the most thing, that is, "you should be obedient and sensible."

There are children at home to play, fancy my favorite remote-controlled racing car, my mother immediately snatched "offering" from my hands.

At the beginning, I would cry and protest, and my mother said, "if you don't listen, my mother will be angry."

I was so scared that I lost it in an instant.

Once in a play, I rehearsed the witch performance for a long time, but the teacher didn't even ask me to act in the magic mirror.

I was very aggrieved. I wanted to fight for it but dared not. I went home to discuss with my mother. She accused me, "I really don't understand. Listen to the teacher!"

At that moment, that sentence, like a basin of cold water, extinguished my last hope.

Slowly, according to their requirements, I finally got used to saying "yes" to everything.

When my classmates asked me to borrow comic books, I was reluctant to give up for fear of being torn up again, but my mother said, "Peace is the most precious", so I can only borrow it.

My colleague asked me to help with the planning. I was fine, but I didn't want to work overtime, but my mother said, "be willing to help others." I can only help.

As a result, she was scolded by her boss for carelessness, and her colleague directly turned his face down and ignored me. I felt that I had hurt her and immediately bowed my head and apologized.

……

Parents say it is a blessing to suffer losses. All I know is that I live a very depressed and depressed life!

Wu Zhihong, a psychological consultant, once said:

"in Chinese-style education, many parents want their children to be sensible and not to cause trouble to adults.

But children who are often too sensible also seal themselves in loneliness. "

In the eyes of parents, obedient and sensible children are always the least to worry about.

Because before we preach, he has consciously become our "look forward to", and we are also complacent in our "good parenting".

As everyone knows, such a "obedient and sensible" is the child's self-sacrifice to please, but also the beginning of the child's collapse.

"I just want to make dad happy.

So he'll love me. "

The pine nut in the movie the Life of the abandoned Pine Nut is a typical "flattering personality".

In the first 20 years of her life, she made faces to get her father's attention, please him, and strive to become her daughter. She followed her father's favorite choices in school and career.

The students who taught the class were found to have stolen money and asked her to come forward to coordinate. As a result, the students refused to admit their mistakes, and pine nuts took the blame in order to make peace, so they lost their jobs.

In several relationships in her life, she has devoted herself to love and has been courting others, but what comes is abandonment and betrayal.

In order to realize her boyfriend's dream as a writer, she carried the burden of her family, but got punches and kicks.

She was asked to be a bath girl, but her boyfriend used the money to support others.

After discovering that she had been betrayed, she accidentally hurt her boyfriend and went to prison.

But even in prison, pine nuts still sing "I'm living for love".

As she said, even if beaten, even hell, two people are better than one person alone.

Behind her constant ingratiation lies her desire for love and recognition.

All this stems from the lack of love in childhood, parents pay more attention to the frail sister, ignoring her desire for love.

Karen Horney has mentioned many times in the conflict within us:

"admirers have a great need for tenderness and admiration."

The most essential problem of people who are used to fawning is to build all their sense of self-worth in the outside world.

They can't recognize their true and imperfect self from the bottom of their heart, and they don't believe that they can give themselves affirmation.

They are extremely dependent on the recognition of others, and only when they get the comments of "you are a good person", "you are great" and "I am optimistic about you" from others, will they feel good, capable and worthy of being loved.

But once their flattery is not appreciated and recognized as expected, they may enter a state of attack.

It is also possible to continue to please harder and sacrifice oneself to realize the interests of others, thus moving towards the abyss of self-loss step by step.

Psychologist Brian Little likens this behavior to an "onion personality":

People who are used to flattering are actually like an onion. When you peel them off layer by layer, you will find that they have no core and no self.

The heart is like a huge black hole, can not be filled, can only use a lifetime of flattery, to get from others.

The final result is to hollow out the self, leaving only a body.

What kind of parents?

Children who are most likely to develop a "flattering personality"

Hellinger, a famous psychotherapist, said in "it's not your fault":

The emergence of the pattern of ingratiating behavior stems from childhood trauma.

And these kinds of parents are the easiest to raise children with "ingratiating personality".

1. Controlling parents

A netizen from Zhihu said: since childhood, there is no word "no" in their family.

From dressing up and eating, to interpersonal communication, school choice, and work, parents will give "advice", and they can only answer "yes". Even if this "opinion" is no longer reasonable, they cannot resist, otherwise they will either fight or scold.

In this kind of family, everything of the child must revolve around the needs of the parents, and the child must not have his own ideas and self, but must "listen to what he says."

Until the inner voice was completely extinguished and became a puppet at the mercy of others.

Children become timid and afraid to express their needs, feeling that they can only be loved if they please their parents.

When they grow up, the mode of cosying up to their parents becomes the mode of cosying up to friends, colleagues and lovers.

two。 Negative parents

In the Japanese TV series "calm", Ah Huan grew up being denied from an early age.

She was born with curly hair and was rejected by her mother: "shameful." In order to get her mother's approval, she gets up early every day and secretly straightens her hair.

After work, when she heard her colleagues mocking her clothes and imitating her answers, she also came up with all kinds of answers, but she was treated with more contempt.

Children who grow up in denial tend to form a mentality:

Get sense of security by raising others and belittling yourself in order to put yourself in a weak position.

In other words, they think in their hearts:

"I am so weak, so self-deprecating, I will not attack you, I will only hold you.

You'll let me go, and I'll be safe. "

Therefore, they dare not show themselves, for fear that when they are too strong and beautiful, they will arouse the aggressiveness of others.

In order to avoid conflict, they disarmed and surrendered in advance.

3. Parents who are themselves "flattering personality"

Many parents have made this mistake:

When dealing with other people's children and their own children, they will always sacrifice their own