We're All Thinking It

My words have been shifting differently lately, so I'm just going to go with it. I want to talk about motherhood. Not just the surfaced things, but the nitty gritty things, the deep-down stuff, the overshadowing overwhelm, and the trials that that come with the greatest joy of your life. How these two things can mesh so well together is beyond me, but I am so humbled by it. I want women to feel less alone. There is a saying that 'if God brings you to it, He will bring you through it" and I just believe in that so much.

Let's begin with the gray area of every single decision you have to make on behalf of your children. There is no black and white to any answer because, as moms, we have the uncanny ability to overthink every situation... every. single. time. This is a stress that keeps you blessed, but it will bring you to your knees, too. I've lost sleep over medical decisions, even the minor ones. I've scheduled routine appointments 2 hours away because of course that makes more sense. I've skipped lunch due to lack of appetite because of the worry about an extracurricular activity or education-based decision. I ask my husband over and over again if the choices I make on behalf of our children pass as fair in his book because I want to hear that he thinks I am a good mom when I already that know he does. I'm 95% "crunchy" because of who I am as a person and 5% mainstream because I'm a registered nurse. Sometimes the battle of the wills occurs just within me, and not even with or between my kids. I battle with knowing what is best for my kids and what statistics say. The list could go on.

I was wrecked when my first baby (or maybe it was me), couldn't quite get the hang of breast feeding, and just the same when my second baby weaned herself after 9 months of blissful nursing. I think breast milk is liquid gold and yes, I have cried over it when it spilled just 2 seconds after pumping it during my break at work. I have also bought formula for my baby because breast milk was not an option for as long as I wanted it to be my first go around. I gave my baby a pacifier and I let my first born have her nighttime bottle until she was almost two. The doctors told me to quit giving that to her when she was 18 months, but I went ahead and did it my way and guess what, that same 2-year-old is now 4 and she does not still take a bottle. I want my kids to sleep in their own beds. I am that mom who buys a CD player with nighttime music, diffuses oils at bedtime, and keeps a good routine all for it to come crashing down at 10pm when I decide to let her sleep with me anyway. I often ask myself why? Why, as mothers, do we do this to ourselves? We base our parenting off of society and what others tell us to do, but wouldn't we feel so much more powerful if we just silenced the outside world and listened to our own hearts, minds, and gut instinct. It's a real thing you know, and a tried-and-true statement that mother's do know best.

If you are walking in a season of difficulty, I need you, the reader of this blog, to know that you are not alone and that you are the greatest advocate for your little one(s). The world is tough right now. It's financially stressful, it's economically stressful, and it's spiritually stressful. it is chaotic in every way. Parents nowadays, I believe, have far greater worries than they did even 20 years ago. We have to stop and recognize that the odds are against us most days. However, we must also acknowledge what is in our power to control and what is not. As mothers, I feel like we must be in control of all things at all times, but we simply can't and even more simply put, we aren't.

I've been reflecting a lot on my attitude, my mindset, and how I respond to situations. If you are a momma in the thick of it right now, raising babies and toddlers, and wondering if there ever will be a day that they can have a normal piece of cake with gluten and if they will ever fall asleep on their own without the need to hear the sound of your heartbeat, they just may and even if they can't, you won't be on your death bed wishing they did.

My biggest future worry and actual reality is that someday, my children will be on this earth without me. They will wonder and move and decide all things without my help one day. If I leave them with only one thing, I hope it is that they know how deeply loved they are. I hope they feel like they can move mountains just because I said so. I hope they never lose sight of their beauty and bravery, and always remember that when all else failed, our family unit did not. I hope they see how much we provided them with all that they needed at every point in their life.

And for you, momma... I hope you know that your children are thankful for you just being you. They are thankful for the smell of your night time shirt as they cuddle close to you on the couch, in their bed, or in your bed. They are thankful to be able to watch you drink your coffee on a Saturday morning just because you are off work and home with them. They are thankful for the warm evening summer air brushing their face as you let them have their window down in the car on the way home from a busy and fun filled day. Their greatest memory may just be your busiest and most stressful preparation. The water in your cup tastes better than their own simply because it is yours. They will buy hanging flower baskets one day for their porch only because you did that to their home growing up, and they will think of you with each fallen petal. They will have hot tea when they are sick because you promised it will make them feel better always. Their need for routine may change, but it will not go away because it was all that kept everyone and everything in motion in those younger years. They will be alright if they have chicken nuggets and mac 'n cheese weekly sometimes because you'd rather play with them than cook a 'healthy' meal. When you put your makeup on and they think you are just the most beautiful human to walk this earth, THAT is what you should carry with you out the door and not the silly "10 pounds you still have to lose." You are enough, and you are everything to the little people that count on you because you're YOU, without any expectation attached.

Behavior is learned and they will see the world the way you do if you aren't careful. YOUR "small" home will become their small home if they hear it enough. They won't remember how fun their room was if they keep hearing how disorganized their toys are when they are only 3 years old. Your negative self-talk will become theirs at the most important season of their life and you won't be able to tell them otherwise. Receive compliments and receive them well so that when someone they love does the same for them, they can fully reap the goodness that comes with it and not have it be forced. They might not understand, but oh are they listening. Let the bubbles spill on the sidewalk and keep the stained clothes for play. Eat supper on a blanket in their room as a picnic just because they think it's fun. Make the fort, go outside, and just be in their tiny human presence because this sweet stage is such a small stage, and it's nothing but a moment in the concept of eternity. Don't sweat it sister, because you may regret it.

The days are long, yes, and the nights may seem even longer. The worry is endless, but the blessings are eternal. Your children do not see you for what you ever were before them in these little years, but only for who you are right now. They won't remember your short temper from last week because all they want is your attention today. Put your phone down. Let them do the dishes with you because their little hands covered in bubbles will be something you miss one day. Pretend play even if you aren't "good" at it. Smell their scent on their blankie and literally hug them as much as you can because the hours move on even if our stubbornness won't. If you aren't hosting a party or inviting guests over, it's okay if the barbie lays by the refrigerator in the kitchen, the toy cars are mixed in the with shoes, and a colored pencil is in your makeup bag.

They are not keeping score of how many times you failed. They are only holding on to the moments that you showed up.

xo,

Em