"That Would Never Happen to Me."

I have been so back and forth about sharing more of our story. It's very heavy, misunderstood, and anxiety building. It is more than all of those things, but it also is our truth and it's the 'why' behind our every reason. I'll continue to share it, as it is laid on my heart to do so.

In the very beginnings, I remember talking with coworkers (who are now some of my very best friends), about the questionable behavior I was witnessing at home from my husband. I could never quite put my finger on why his moods changed so often, or why he seemed so sad all the time. I never quite understood his sleepless and absent nights. He had my brain spinning 100% of the time. I remember typing out the text messages to my two lifelong friends about how things just were not well in our home.

As life happened, things worsened. There were some moments that I thought we had a breakthrough, but then the routine of confusion continued. There are two events that are cemented into my mind that I now recognize were him screaming for help, but lingered oh so silently. One of those moments consisted of him sitting on our recliner after he had a morning to himself, as he trembled with tears. We had an argument the night prior, but all I could do was find myself on his lap, embracing him with all that I was, and asking him what was wrong. He spoke nothing. The other time was his very first Father's Day... and that is a story for another time, if ever. As blinded as I felt by the reasoning behind his chaos, I saw his troubles from it so clearly.

There are some things that people still have the nerve to say to me, even now, and they are:

"I knew something was wrong with him."

"How could you not know?"

"That would never happen to me or my family."

Or my favorite, "What if he does it again?"

I must tell you that those statements send a hardened chill throughout every bone in my body, and a fire through my blood that is truly enough to make me see red, I mean it. So, I'll address them accordingly.

To the people who think they knew but never muscled up the bravery to speak about it before, thanks for letting me in on your oh so knowledgeable opinion. Often times, people have the boldness to say that they thought something seemed off, but never the decency to actually bring a concern forward in the moment it is needed. I have found that people will often make that remark in order to make themselves feel validated for not speaking up. So, speak up. If you think someone is hurting, or if you think you have the experience to be of true help to a situation, THEN SPEAK UP NOW AND NOT LATER.

"How could you not know?" I can feel the distain roll off my tongue when I repeat that sentence. I'm sure I am not alone when I say that it is almost rude to ask someone such a question. Personally, I find it offensive because you are essentially saying that despite my gut feelings, I CHOSE to see past it, ignore it. I think that anyone in a crisis situation, as an outsider looking in, could never even imagine what is happening, they only know how they feel. Confusion often supersedes rationality. Dispair and discomfort often overwhelm good judgment. Surviving is the only motive when you fall victim to a blind side. So, don't ask someone that question. Don't assume they know anything or everything. Instead, get a grip on the meaning of fight or flight, and then keep your judgment at your own door.

'That would never happen to me or my family." Oh, how I wish this was true. One thing I know for certain is that addiction, problems, trauma, bad habits, and/or poor decisions do not discriminate against anyone. These items fall in the lap of anyone with a beating heart. You can sit in church every Sunday morning, and then spin on a bar stool that very evening. Addiction isn't near a big enough word to encompass what it truly means. How is social media treating you? How do the unhealthy foods taste every time you put them to your lips? Is the beer ice cold when you sip on it every single day? Surely the drugs you purchased off the street yesterday won't keep you well. Have you managed to win the game of comparison every time you binge watch tik tok videos? Listen, I speak on this very lightly but also very honestly. I am the first to admit that I do not buy cookies because I have no self control. I obsess over the 10 pounds of baby weight that I'd like to lose, rather than actually moving my body. I have a cart full on every shopping website I love. I worry too much. I compare myself, too, and I get lost in it sometimes. I am a wife of a man in recovery. I know I eat too much chocolate on a daily basis. I say one thing sometimes, and then act the total opposite. My point here is that there is not a person out there that is any better than the next. Just because you were raised a certain way does not keep you protected against heart ache and devastation. Count your blessings and try not to ever take them for granted.

What if he does it again? It's funny because this question weighs more heavily on the people who have no involvement, and much less on me. My questions back are, what if he doesn't? What if he hasn't? What if he won't? I think once you have weathered one storm, you are permanently prepared to withstand another. I can worry for the next 15 years, and something could happen, or I could worry for the next 15 years, and nothing could happen. Regardless, I'll spend the same amount of time worrying. You have to find the things that feed your spirit with goodness. You have to see that sometimes things were meant to happen exactly how they happened, and without that event, you just simply would not be. Our difficulties make us who we are, and they allow us to rejoice when things really do get better.

There are far greater things in this life that will impact you more than the struggles that you have fallen witness too. Don't be so closed off to not see that people can change and be even better than they originally set out to be. If people who need changing choose not to, that's on them. When you have made strides to be a better person, and it's not supported, let your doubters be, because that my friends, is on them.

We grow and evolve, and all hopefully for the better. It's okay if you aren't there yet.

I hope this writing finds you all well. I hope it opens the door for second chances, forgiveness, and hope, which are all things I never would have imagined for my husband and I 3.5 years ago.

Now, our daughter draws our family picture almost daily and says how we will always be together forever. The other day she said to my husband, "Daddy, you are the best daddy I could have ever wanted as a baby." He looked at me, and I looked at him both with tearful eyes because we knew what it has taken to get here, and I knew what it meant for him to hear her say that.

xo,

Em