Teaching kids and teens to be autonomous, not abandoned.

"I'm teaching my kids to be ABLE to be autonomous. But I do not give them the power to choose things they aren't mature enough to choose alone. " - Jean Grey

I've been thinking a lot about this topic after recent conversations with other parents while out at an event. I like to mostly stay quiet and listen or ask clarifying questions to learn from people. But I realize my thoughts are pretty radical and my experiences are pretty dysfunctional from the past. So most people would feel uncomfortable or just not relate. It's why I appreciate when people blurt out if they grew up around dysfunction. Then I know I'm safe to share it too and it will *actually be* a conversation I can participate in.

It brought me back to thinking about my teen years and early adulthood. I had abusive parents and no one knew outside my home besides an Aunt on my dads side I confided in. I ended up moving in with her while pregnant with my first born at 16 after literally escaping with my life and no belongings besides my teddy & a pair of pajamas. No one but her and I know how bad and traumatic those times were. Teachers thought I was just a kid who did not try enough, but I was a kid who didn't do my the and had bags under my eyes plus an eating disorder because my parents were abusive and dysfunctional.

I thought about how my Aunt was my savior. And I've never talked about it online because I wanted to protect their privacy. Her, her husband, and their kids. I wanted no one to know their life or anything about them. So I've never shared it until now in any blogs or socials. And I think I'm at a point 16 years later where I feel ready to. Because it's a pivotal part in my healing. A piece I've yet to look at or process.

I was 16. I was 16 but I was undiagnosed Autistic or ADHD. I was 16 with complex PTSD. I was 16 with eating disorders, OCD, and anxiety. I was 16 and physically active with an abusive partner who emotionally and s*xually abused me. I was 16 with immature, drug addicted parents. My life was like the Netflix show Shameless. Watching that show makes me feel physically sick but I cry and cannot look away. If Fiona Gallagher got pregnant at 16 instead of Debbie, that would have been most "me". I was the parent in my childhood home. I was the one who made grown up decisions as a child. An only child. And I should never have been held to those standards or situations but I was.

My Aunt then held me to a very similar standard just under different circumstances. I was independent, alone to make all the choices. I birthed a baby, took my parents to court, took the abusive guy to court, got myself health insurance and planned out my life. We put that on teen moms without realizing that getting pregnant doesnt make you a pregnant adult. It makes you a pregnant teen. A very scared, immature, underdeveloped adult sure. But not the same maturity or abilities as a 25 year old. We are just neglected by everyone because we made the choice to have a baby. We become no one else's problem.

I was loved in that new home for 2.5 yrs before I moved at 19 to my own apartment at my new College. And went off on my own with a baby. I was nervous but determined and loved school. School saved me from a very bad potential outcome of more abuse and possibly not living at all. It helped me to be out on my own with my own apartment and in school. But it did NOT prepare me for adulthood. I just learned myself hands on and with many mistakes made. I failed forward.

I think now about my 16 year old daughter. How I encourage her to be expressive and be herself. To learn, read, write, create, and have fun. To question things. To try things. Not be afraid to fail. And always learn from mistakes to do better next time. My kids aren't just not allowed to date. That's the wrong perspective. I ask my kids what they want someday in the future for their lives. I ask them what their passions are. My husband and I encourage them to focus on personal development & learning about entrepreneurship. We are also diving into homesteading.

I asked my daughter what she would offer someone right now this year at 16. What she could give into a real relationship. She knows her great attributes. But she also realizes she is learning still who she is and how to care for herself. Right now caring "about" friends, not "for them" is even a challenge she is learning how to do. She is learning who is a good friend and who is a bad one, as well as what she wants out of a friend. What she can be and do as a friend back. So she realizes that entering a relationship is even more complex. Not hard. Not bad. Complex. Because it isn't about butterflies or sex. it is about caring for another person in addition to friendship. It's about maturity and being the kind of person someone wants to date and feels safe with. Just like that's the person she would want to be with.

I never got any conversations from my divorced parents about dating, sex, peer pressure, relationships etc. Instead I witnessed domestic violence and addictions. Cursing at one another, stonewalling, and narcissistic abuse. that's why I dated abusers. cheaters, addicts. As young as 12 i began to date. To offer all of me. And i had nothing to offer but my people pleasing anxiety. So I was a toy. And a child. I had no business dating or playing out abusive bonds. I loved school and had talents. I wasted that all for what I now think was case after case of grooming & manipulation. Not love. And not what people now a days mean when they say their kid has a crush or a boyfriend / girlfriend.

I realize now at 33 that every adult in my life gave me the wheel to drive my own life. Thinking that was the easiest way, the best way, the fair way etc. My parents just abandoned all responsibilities of me completely. Said things like go ahead and leave. I was 13 when I first heard that and I left at 16 in a car with my Aunt feeling like I was rescued. I was not. I was donated.

"My kids are taught how to make a recipe into food. We are diving into planting & farming education. We are going to have farm animals too. We have pets. Some of which gave birth. some of which died. So they are learning how life works through lessons." - Jean Grey

If I dropped my kids off to a shed with no skills beyond observation & told them they had to figure it all out, I would be abandoning them. If they had their first jobs ever and a bf or gf, I would be abandoning them. If they had their first bank account and debit card, were studying the permit test to get a permit, and knew how to use the computer....I'd be abandoning them. If the shed was furnished...I'd be abandoning them. My teenagers (if all 3 were teens now) would be abandoned. And have to fail forward.

Our brains do not develop fully until AFTER 25. our ability to reason and process continues to develop all our lives. When we have Adhd and or Autism, our brains need until 35 + to develop. And throw in trauma that's unprocessed or the failing forward many have to do just to SURVIVE.

People love to say "back in the day my great grandma had 12 kids, no education, no job, and she figured it all out."

Meanwhile great granny was 14 when she was pushed into marriage and groomed by an older man. Most often a soldier. And they were in SURVIVAL MODE while big wars were happening and resources were low. Cigarettes and alcohol were handed around for fun. Even during all those pregnancies. women were labeled with hysteria when they had any sort of mental health struggle or post partum blues. Dad was barely around for the kids and reactive.

They all had TRAUMA. They all thought being seen and not heard or not seen /heard was the way to parent. They lacked empathy, self control, and communication skills. They were immature and underdeveloped. They did not infact have it together. And those generational traumas were passed down to everyone later.

My kids will be ready for adulthood, business, reproduction, and marriage when they have developed their self awareness, skills for life, values and morals, responsibilities managed, money managed, self love and esteem developed, whatever faith they've discovered, and they can be able to care for others beyond caring for themselves. There is no magic AGE before 25. And no way in hell before 19.

I will stand on this hill alone but this is how I will raise my kids.

My Aunt and Uncle did not see a traumatized girl. They saw a "new adult" because I had a baby. They didn't blink an eye when I dated again, overwhelmed myself with too many classes and work, and broke away from them to live on my own. I have all the gratitude and hope I can one day mail them a big fat check for what they did for me. For the roof, food, hugs. Truly. But I'm also not okay with the fact that EVERYONE saw me as an adult.

"If I adopted a teen like me... I would immediately get her into trauma informed therapy, encourage no dating or friendships while in therapy, begin weekly skill building and art therapy, get her CPR and health skills training, have her read books about abuse and narcissistic red flags. Have her get a holistic gynecologist and a very kind pediatrician who let's the parent advocate for the kid but also educates them. etc." - Jean Grey

If I could go back to 16 year old me I'd tell her she had PTSD. I'd tell her it was all abuse. I'd tell her that her parents were SHIT. I'd give her the books on abuse. I'd get her a case worker and explain what happened to her since childhood. Explain that others have had it too. That there are so many survivors and I should go to a group meeting ONLINE with them. That I should take STD tests and see a counselor about sexual abuse. That I should find HELP.

"I wasn't given help. I was given the keys to drive. I'm grateful but I'm angry. Both things exist and are valid." - Jean Grey

My teens will have mom & dad. Will have a team. And when they are ready to fly....marry...have kids. Guess what? Still a team. Still here for them. Still ready to HELP.

My kids will never outgrow me. They will just feel ready to be autonomous. And I love that for them.

My kids will know how to identify red flags. We already talk about it now. And my teen girl is learning + asking as she goes along socializing online with other students in her homeschooling program. She is able to ask me anything and nothing is taboo. So we talk about whatever comes to her mind and I answer as best I can. Or we research it together.

I think about how I would handle meeting my great grandma and grandpa on both mom and dads sides. How I'd treat every generation. including my mother. I wish I could have met my mother at 1,6,12,16 etc. How I would breathe love and life into her. Tell her it was abuse. Get her HELP. It makes me not hate her. It makes me comprehend generational trauma. I do not forgive but I comprehend and do better for my own kids.

Hello! I am Jean Grey, a work from home mama of 3. My husband, myself, and our 3 kids happily reside in Rural South Texas. We are embarking on our homesteading journey, both working from home, and homeschooling our kids. I have self hosted Jaded Savior, a mental health and trauma blog, since May 2019. I now host it here on Vocal Media, with over 70 published stories. Your reads, comments, and subscribes help support my ability to keep sharing here! I really appreciate comments about your own experiences and thoughts as well. Thank you!

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