Sugar, Baby, Sugar: Confessions of a Pregnant Woman Who’d Trade Her Soul for a Cupcake

Because growing a human is hard. Resisting donuts? Harder.

Let’s just get one thing straight: before I got pregnant, I had goals.

I was going to glow like a goddess, walk three miles a day, eat chia pudding on purpose, and document my “fit bump” journey like one of those Instagram moms who somehow still have visible collarbones at 38 weeks.

And then… it happened.

Somewhere around week 8, my body—aka this chaotic science experiment I used to call “me”—flipped a switch. Suddenly, I would’ve robbed a Girl Scout for a sleeve of Thin Mints. I’d wake up in the dead of night with only one thought: cake. Specifically, chocolate lava cake, and no, nothing else would do. Not fruit. Not yogurt. Not those “healthy” cookies made of sadness and oats.

This is not a cautionary tale.

This is a survival guide.

And possibly a cry for help.

Chapter 1: The Sugar Monster Rises

I used to judge people who said they “craved sugar.”

Just drink some water! I thought. Eat an apple!

Oh, sweet, naive, pre-pregnancy me. She didn’t know that hormones are actual sugar-loving demons sent to destroy her from the inside out.

One minute I was lovingly caressing my belly. The next, I was sobbing in the pantry because we were out of Pop-Tarts.

And you know what’s even more offensive? Your body needs more calories when pregnant—but somehow gains weight just by looking at a croissant. I’d eat one snack pack of Oreos and bam—my thighs were like, “Thanks, we’ll store this forever.”

Chapter 2: The Guilt Spiral (a.k.a. The Pregnant Woman’s Full-Time Job)

“Eat what your body wants!”

“Don’t gain too much weight!”

“Honor your cravings!”

“Just not those cravings!”

Welcome to the land of mixed signals and maternity jeans. Where no matter what you do, someone somewhere will judge you—and chances are, you’ll join in on the self-judgment too.

I once cried because I ate two cinnamon rolls back-to-back. Not because I was ashamed, but because I only made two. This is who I am now.

Chapter 3: The Attempt at Health

So I tried to do better.

I made a green smoothie.

I drank half of it.

Then I ate a muffin while angrily Googling, “Can you survive pregnancy on muffins alone?”

Spoiler: no. But honestly, I’d be willing to try.

Still, I started learning. Protein helps with blood sugar. Water helps fake out cravings. Fiber is your friend. Blah blah blah. I did some of it. I forgot most of it. I survived on Greek yogurt and peanut butter toast for an entire trimester.

Honestly, not bad.

Chapter 4: Recipes, Realizations & Relapses

I won’t lie to you—I found some pretty solid hacks.

• Frozen banana + cocoa powder = magical faux ice cream

• Apple slices with cinnamon = not cookies, but not terrible

• Almond butter + dark chocolate chips = YES

But let’s not pretend I didn’t also eat marshmallows straight from the bag while waiting for my “healthy” muffins to bake. Growth is not linear, people.

Chapter 5: Laugh So You Don’t Cry (Or Cry, Then Laugh)

Pregnancy is full of weird contradictions.

You’re growing a whole human—superhero vibes.

But also, you need a nap after putting on socks—zero energy.

You love your body for what it’s doing.

You resent your body for needing maternity leggings by week 9.

You want to be healthy.

You also want to eat cake in the bath while watching TikToks of other moms crying.

Here’s the truth: you’re doing amazing.

Even when you’re not.

Even when you accidentally eat the entire sleeve of Oreos.

You’re allowed to be messy, bloated, tired, and emotional.

You’re also allowed to laugh about it, loudly, with crumbs on your shirt.

Final Thoughts from the Sugar-Craving Trenches

If you're pregnant and feel like your cravings have become their own personality—like an inner sugar goblin who just wants waffles and zero accountability—you are not alone. I see you. I am you.

Forget perfection. Forget the pressure to “bounce back” before you’ve even bounced forward. This phase is temporary. The stretch marks are just love notes from your uterus. And that cupcake? Honestly, it probably helped your mental health.

So here’s to us.

The craving queens.

The snack warriors.

The exhausted, emotional, sugar-seeking superheroes.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a spoon and an unopened jar of Nutella with my name on it.

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