Stuck between now and where I want to be

I know that living in someone else's house, you have to follow their rules. For me, it's a little different. I feel like I am doing things in certain ways to keep the peace, to try to stop or control the fighting. That is what happens when you live in someone else's house, after all. You can't do things in the way that you want, or to live your life the way that you want to. Because I live with my family, I always have to listen to other people's opinion about what I do. It's a lot for me to take. It is part of what made me lose myself, as I have always been someone that did what I wanted regardless of other people's opinion. Having to listen to so many other people have really gotten to my mental health in so many ways. After listening to them for so long, it has made me doubt myself. Wondering what they will say if I do or try certain things. Also wondering what they will say if I fail. The fear of being made fun of if I fail is enough to make me not want to try. I know that it is holding me back of even trying to live the life that I want. Though, I'm not sure how to shake this feeling.

I'm not sure how to not care what they think. Especially when I live in their house. When it's someone else's house, you have to play by their rules. This I know. I might not like it, but I have to accept it as reality. So what do I do? How do I shake this feeling? How do I get out of my negative mindset?

I know that I shouldn't care what people think. At the same time these are not normal and positive thinking people. The people I live with don't go anywhere, don't want to really live their life and never have goals for them to hit. So they don't understand anyone trying new things in any way for any reason.

When I think about trying new things, starting new businesses, I get afraid. So I always end up saying that I will try it when I move out. However, I have no firm plan for when or how I will move out. So I am forever in this cycle that I don't know how to get out of.

I know that most people would say to move out. The problem I am facing is being able to afford it. I know that once I am on my own, that I will have more opportunity to make more money. It's getting there that is the problem. Rent in my area is so expensive. I'm always very worried that I won't be able to even get something, as my income is from school at the moment. I really want to finish, to have that accomplishment. But I worry that I will have to choose between living on my own and finishing school. At some point, I was thinking that I would wait until I was done school. Realistically, though, that is a year from now at least. So that just seems like it is too long. I'm not sure that for my peace of mind that I can wait that long. It seems so long.

There is another option of moving to a different area that is cheaper. My fear of that is that I will then be in a different city on my own. That really scares me for some reason. I have become too dependent that at least I have people around me. There is also the problem of my daughter, who is in school. Do I really want to move her to a different school after school starts? This would happen as I don't get my school money until the beginning of September, really. What if I move her to a bad school? She is finally in a school that she is comfortable in. I fear about moving her and having it be in a bad school for her.

I know that I am just going to have to jump and figure it out. I always have been able to figure it out before without fear. I'm not sure how to get that back, but I need to get that back. And just take the jump that it will all work out.

-T