Stillborn but stilll born.

This is a story about my personal experience with stillbirth and healing.

It was early 2021 when my partner Jay and I decided to try for a baby. I already had two children from a previous relationship, Tyler who was 9 at that time and Keira who had just turned 5. Jay had no children of his own but was a natural step father figure with Tyler and Keira since he came into their lives in 2018.

We thought it would take a while for me to become pregnant after I got my coil removed but I never even had a period, I became pregnant right away. I had really strong symptoms with fatigue and smell sensitivity, I bought a test and took it on my own at 6am, not telling Jay as I thought it couldn't happen this quickly then squinting, did I have line eyes? I came into the bedroom and sat next to him on the bed where he was half asleep. I blurted out "Erm babe, pretty sure I'm pregnant" he just grinned a sleepy smile and kissed me then laid his head back on the pillow. I confirmed the next day with a clear blue digital test and in the coming weeks we got a private scan to date us.

I had some issues early pregnancy with bleeding with bowel movements. I thought it was possibly haemorrhoids, Id never had them before. I did go to the doctor for it which is a whole other story but it ultimately gave me no answers and things cleared up by my second trimester and i figured it was just pregnancy related.

From my second trimester I did get some anxious thoughts. I told myself I was being silly, just pregnancy anxiety. I didn't get these worries with Tyler and Keira so it wasn't typical of me. I would have worrying thoughts about the cord going around baby's neck and losing the baby.

Stillbirth wasn't something in my immediate world. Of course I was aware of it, aren't we all. I had friends of friends who had experienced it first hand, I had read their stories and felt empathy for them. Id read about celebrities and public figures who had gone through it, seen posts during baby loss awareness month but I had never experienced loss early or late and selfishly I felt lucky I never had and never would go through it because how could one deal with that kind of raw pain? I was sure I couldnt. Stilll these thoughts niggled at me, things would stand out to me Id see a headline about a stillbirth or read an old wives tale. We had an early gender scan and as beautiful as it was when we saw the 3d images i felt alarm as i saw the cord right by his neck, I wondered should I ask if the cord should be there. It wasnt round his neck, it just looked near. Still i pushed away those worries just pregnancy anxiety I thought to myself.

As the months passed our excitement grew and we began to get things ready. It was a busy pregnancy we moved house when i was 6/7 months along and as i entered the third trimester i got quite sick. I was vomiting multiple times a day from acid reflux and had to have a brief stay in hospital with IV fluids. This is typical for me, i got third trimester sickness with Keira too.

We hadn't decided on a name yet for baby but we had a short list of options on our phone. His due date was the 6th December so it was stressful, we had just moved and now had to prepare for baby and Christmas. I expected to have him in November, both Keira and Tyler had been born three weeks early. Once 37 weeks came and passed I got rather frustrated. I was on maternity leave and thoroughly bored. Everytime Id get a new wave of braxton hicks I thought right, tonight will be the night but it never was!

Now of course part of me was just impatient to meet the baby as all women at their due date are but the unspoken part that I left unsaid was until the baby was in my arms my anxiety of stillbirth and something going wrong would continue.

On the morning of 3rd December I remember that the baby was very active. More so than normal. I remember feeling that slight panic in my stomach, "Why is he moving so much, should I call triage? No, don't be so silly, you call when they DON'T move. What would you say? My baby is moving too much? They will think you're a paranoid mum and crazy"

I now know that excessive movement could be a sign of distress and had I called they would have seen me but honestly, he could have still been fine in there and this all would have still happened as it did so its not something I dwell on.

At around 1pm I went for my regular afternoon nap, i felt a kick that in hindsight was weaker than usual but nothing that gave me alarm bells and I fell asleep. I slept for a few hours and got up. My best friend Linzi was travelling up that evening to see me, she had planned this trip thinking baby would already be here since we expected an early arrival but we joked that perhaps she'd be there for his arrival. I was loosely planning on a home birth and had a birthing pool. Id had Keira at home and it was a lovely experience.

Now Carter had a pattern of going quiet in the afternoon id usually feel his kicks again around 4 or 5. As I was making dinner I thought hmm he must be sleepy today, I'm sure he'll go nuts when I eat my dinner, he always had a little wriggle at dinner time but as I ate my dinner my belly felt very still. I felt a slight worry, if Linzi wasnt visiting Id go to the hospital but she was due in the evening and my partner Jay was working until late so it wasnt doable. It would all be fine anyway, I was worrying about nothing.

Over the hours I tried a few things cold water, ice lollies, laying on my side but still I felt no movement. Once Jay come home he placed his hand on my belly. Baby always kicked for Daddy...nothing. Once Linzi was settled she said she'd stay at ours (the older kids were in bed) and Jay and I would pop to the hospital. We joked that baby would probably start kicking me in the taxi but inside I knew, I just had to pretend a little bit longer that the universe wasn't going to be so cruel to me.

Its funny how memories are stored. The night is so vivid to me. Its been four years now but I can still see clearly in my mind the dark view outside the taxi windows, feel Jays hand holding mine. He thought everything was fine, I wished that I did too.

We were ushered into a little side room, I can still feel the coldness of the jelly they put on my belly as they searched for a heartbeat. My midwife had always found Carters heartbeat quickly but it wasn't picking up. One of the midwives tried to move him a little by hand, she was quite rough, I remember it hurting a bit. They said theyd just go get a portable ultrasound machine. As they left the room Jay offered me a packet of crisps, I remember being in disbelief that he was just snacking, we were about to be told our baby was gone and hes just casually munching. Poor innocent Jay, he had no idea.

After what felt like a lifetime a doctor and the midwives returned with the ultrasound machine. We watched the grainy image and saw our baby. He was very still. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the midwives exchange looks and it was time to face reality. "I'm so sorry" one of the midwives said as she squeezed my knee, "Baby has passed". Jay dropped his head into his hands, I just nodded. The doctor explained where the heart was and how it should be flickering but it was not. All I could ask was "what happens now?" They said I should go home and wait, I said "Absoloutly not." I couldnt go home to his crib, his pram, the house all prepped for his arrival. I wasn't leaving the hospital so they said that I can stay in the morning we will get me ready to deliver.

All evening I kept having to go to the toilet for bowel movements. My nerves have always been tied to my bowels but I just couldn't stop it. I guess it was stress.

It was a horrible day waiting for labour to get underway. They put me in a suite on the delivery ward. I heard other women labouring their babies, screaming in pain and then Id hear their newborns cry. My baby would never cry. It was torture hearing the sound I so wished that my son could have made. I was given a sweep, I bounced on a ball and by the evening of the 4th December my labour got underway. Had my baby been healthy I planned on just gas and air. Given the circumstances I decided Id start on gas and air and get something stronger once it got harder.

I spent a few hours just doing breathing and I was coping fine but at some point things really ramped up. A midwife checked me and said "Yes i think baby is on their way out now" I said "Right, well I need an epidural because I need this pain to stop now, I cant cope." She said "I hear you love but I just don't think you've got time" I said "Listen, I need you to get out right now and get me an epidural because I cant do this." I was being ridiculous but I didnt care because I was at the stage of labour where you dont know what to do with your body because so much pain is going through it and youre starting to panic. No sooner had she left the room I realised that I needed her back, "Erm Jay, has that midwife left?" he said "Yes" I said "Right well the heads coming out now" he looked down and yes, the head was pretty much out so he ran out the room and called her back. Thats when they had to unwrap the cord, if you had wondered, yes, it was wrapped all around his neck. His body took longer than usual to come out, his leg was up weirdly or something.

It was so silent when he came out. They placed him on me, he was so big and so much hair. I wished so bad that he could just open his eyes but I knew he wouldn't. I got Jay to clothe him, this was not my first baby but it was Jays so I wanted him to take the lead. We took turns just holding him and talking about what to do from there. We decided on the name Carter, it had not been top of our list but it felt right. We did not choose a middle name.

We were given the option to take him home for a couple of days with a cold cot, I probably wouldn't have chosen that option myself but I gave the choice to Jay and he was keen to do this, Im glad we did now. I gave Tyler and Keira the choice to meet and hold him which they were keen to do, we had a few close relatives and friends over so a few select people got to see him. We took foot prints and keep sakes, we brushed his hair, read him stories etc and we kept our heating off. After a couple of days we had to say goodbye and the funeral directors came to collect him, it was never going to be long enough I wished Id had more cuddles but there was never going to be enough. After he left Jay, I and the children just sat cuddling and crying together. My arms ached for my baby, they just felt so heavy.

Christmas was fast approaching so we wanted to make funeral arrangements fast, I cant remember the exact date we had the funeral but it was fairly speedy, i don't think it was even two weeks after his birth. I didn't take care of most of the arrangements, I couldn't. Family members took the lead and just consulted me and Jay where needed.

It was very hard seeing people at first. I wasn't Cat anymore. I was that Mum who had a stillbirth, my identity had been robbed and I couldn't stand to see the pity in their eyes.

An old acquaintance reached out one evening. She too had been through stillbirth. I confided in her that I didn't understand how to go back to being the old me and felt lost. She simply told me I couldn't, that person was gone. I needed to hear that. She'll probably never know how important even just her brief messages of support were in my healing.

I spent time on social media on still birth support pages, speaking to other mothers who went through the same thing, I started a scrapbook of pregnancy pictures, i wrote privately about my experience. I took solace in the fact that he never knew pain or discomfort just the pure comfort of my belly. Every thing I did helped heal me that bit more.

Someone once described the healing process to be like this and I really liked it: At first imagine a small room, there's a button on the side of the wall and when it gets hit you feel that emotional pain. Inside the room you have this grief ball that is constantly bouncing around, at first this ball is so big that it just keeps hitting the button again and again and again but over time it shrinks, itll still hit the button every now and again but it wont be all the time. I can just picture that in my head and I love how it captures exactly how that healing process has felt to me.

The months following Carters birth were a blur, I did experience health issues again with my bowels. Id get these attacks where I had to urgently go to the toilet, sometimes all I would pass was blood. I had no idea what was going on. I cried once after an attack left me having to run home, I wondered how could I leave the house or go to work. I even wondered if it was something super bad like cancer. On my darker days I thought oh well, if Im gonna die at least Ill get to be with my baby. It was not cancer but it was a bit serious. I actually got a diagnosis of Chrons disease. They think that the 'emotional stress of the stillbirth caused it but I wonder if symptoms actually first started in early pregnancy.

A chrons diagnosis could have been devastating to some people... all I could think was "Oh well, I've lost my baby, as if a disease is going to hurt more."

Six or so months after Carter passed I saw a medium. She came highly recommended but with a long waiting list. She was amazing, she knew his name she even said "You knew you wouldn't get to keep him, that something was going to go wrong, didn't you?" and she said he also said "Thank you for bringing me home". That brought me a lot of peace.

I still think of him daily but not with sadness or pain, just acceptance. One day Ill get to hold him again. I believe he sends me signs and if he doesn't that's OK too because every time i see a fluffy white feather fly from the sky or a white butterfly dances around us I'll think of him and being reminded of my angel boy is never a bad thing.

His name is Carter Ali and he may have been stillborn but he was still born and he will always be my son. I don't know why the universe needed my soul to learn this lesson but I do know it gave me an inner strength I never knew possible and made me a true warrior and I will always be thankful for that gift.