Stillborn

Alexei looked at me, surprised. "Are you sure you feel like it?"

"I'll be OK," I replied, stumbling to the closet to fumble through my clothes. Somehow I was able to find a pair of navy blue maternity pants and a white shirt. I put them on and followed Alexei out to the van.

I managed to keep my composure for the ride to Mom's. "Oh, honey, I'm so sorry!" she cried when she saw me. She threw her arms around my neck and gave me a tight hug. I sniffled a little and almost lost it then.

The kids came running when they heard us enter the house. The little ones didn't understand, of course, but I could see in Montana's and Nevada's eyes that they knew.

The ride home was as silent as a funeral procession. Not even Jade spoke. When we reached the house, Montana and Nevada went to their rooms, but Reed reached his arms up to be held, and I sat down in the rocking chair and clung to him as I'd longed to do ever since that fateful moment my world had come crashing down. My baby bump made it just a little awkward. The twins looked on, holding hands.

"Nevada said Granny told her and Montana the baby went to heaven," Jade said at last.

"That's right," I told her.

"Then how come your belly's still so big?" asked Juniper.

I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "The part of the baby that's real is in heaven. The empty shell the baby left behind is still in my belly."

Jade's eyes grew wide. "You have a shell in your belly?"

"Not a shell like you find on the beach," I explained. "A different kind of shell. One that looks just like a baby but isn't real."

"Oh."

Nothing further was said, and I hoped my explanation had been adequate. Remembering Juniper's nightmare after the loss of poor Jayden, I feared a recurrence that night, but thankfully, it passed without incident.

My labor started three days later as I was cleaning up after the evening meal. Alexei called my mother and asked her to come over to watch the kids and then rushed me to the hospital. The familiar feeling of deja vu settled over me as I entered the maternity ward once again, but I knew it would be different this time. This time there would be no healthy cry, no little fists and feet waving in the air, no congratulations.

I labored for only three hours, and after several big pushes, our little Forrest Glen slid out into his father's waiting hands. Afraid to look myself, I watched Alexei's face, dreading an expression of horror or revulsion. Instead, I saw only peace.

"He's beautiful," Alexei said after several long moments. "Don't you want to see him?"

Unable to bear it any longer, I reached for our small son. He was only about the size of a rag doll, and he had a harelip, but otherwise, he was perfect. I examined his minuscule fingers and toes with their barely visible nails, just as I had with my previous five children, marveling at how perfectly proportioned they were.

Time seemed to stand still as Alexei and I held little Forrest, told him how much we loved him and would miss him, kissed his soft skin, and cried together. All too soon, the undertaker arrived with his bag.

"Please, let me hold him just a little bit longer!" I begged, finding myself unable to part with our tiny son.

"Addison, you know the longer we wait, the harder it will be." Alexei's voice was gentle, and I could see tears in his eyes.

Feeling as if my heart were breaking in two, I kissed Forrest's cheek one final time and then handed him to the solemn undertaker. I watched as he carried my baby away, and when they finally vanished from my sight, I felt more empty than I ever had before in my life.

"I want him back!" I sobbed as Alexei cradled me, whispering words of comfort. I knew his heart was breaking as well, and he was putting up a brave front for my sake.

A nurse came in and gave me a sedative, and I was fast asleep in no time. The next thing I knew, the sun was shining through the open blinds of my hospital room and Alexei was at my side once more.

"Do you feel like eating?" he asked me.

"Not really." I stirred my scrambled eggs around on the plate and managed to take several bites.

I was discharged after lunch. Alexei pushed me to the parking lot in a wheelchair and then helped me into the car.

As soon as I walked into the house, Reed and the twins came running to meet me. I hugged and kissed each of them in turn, holding them as if I never wanted to let them go.

Forrest's funeral was several days later. All of Alexei's family and all my family were there. My heart was heavy as I entered the chapel holding Reed by one hand and Juniper by the other. Alexei held Jade's hand, and Montana and Nevada walked alone, both of them looking very grown-up in their nicest clothes. We all filed into the front row, where we sat staring at the tiny white casket and waiting for the service to begin. It brought back memories of Jayden's memorial service, except this time it was so much more personal. I felt like it was a part of myself lying up there in that box.

Friends came by to say hello and offer their sympathies, and the one that touched me most was Kendall. "I know just how you feel," she told me as we embraced. "Nine years ago, it was our little Joshua lying up there in his casket. Believe me, it does get better, but the pain never completely goes away. I still dream about him ever so often."

I remembered when Nicolai had told me about Jordan being a twin and realized Kendall and I now shared a special bond, one no one would envy us.

As the minister delivered a brief eulogy, I thought of all the things Forrest would never experience - walking, talking, starting school, Christmas, going camping with his father and older brothers, riding a bike, swimming, roller skating, graduating high school, falling in love. Was there really a heaven? I fervently hoped there was, and that Forrest would get to experience everything he'd missed out on there.

"It's time to go, Addison." Alexei's voice was gentle as he touched my hand.

"I can't just walk away from him!" I cried. "He's my son!"

"We'll come back later," he promised. "Our other children need you, too."

"Of course," I murmured as I turned and walked away from the fresh grave site with him.

For days afterwards, I moved about like a robot, performing my daily duties without thinking, living for the early afternoon, when I drove to the cemetery to visit Forrest's grave every day. Time would seem to stand still as I'd sit there, brushing grass and debris from the stone, tracing the letters of his name and numbers of his birth and death date with my finger while I talked about the events of the morning as if he could hear me.

"It's so hard to lose a little one, isn't it," a voice said one day, and I turned to look up at a woman who was about my age. She was plump and had short blonde hair and blue eyes.

"It's the hardest thing I've ever been through in my life!" I exclaimed.

"I know. My twins are buried right over there." She nodded toward a nearby grave.

"You lost twins?" I was shocked.

"They were born too early to survive," she told me. "They weighed less than a pound each. After they were born, I had to have a hysterectomy because it was the only way they could stop the bleeding."

"That's terrible! I'm so sorry!" My own grief was forgotten for a moment as I stood and embraced her. "Do you have any other children?"

She shook her head. "They would have been our first. We're trying to adopt, but it's so expensive, and the waiting list is so long!"

"I'm sure something will work out eventually," I said, trying to be nice.

"I've always wanted children," she replied. "We had the nursery all ready. We were thrilled when the doctor said we were having twins."

"I'm so sorry," I repeated, not knowing what else to say.

"My name's Cheryl," she told me as we began to walk back to our cars.

"I'm Addison. It's nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you, too. Maybe we could get together for coffee or something."

"That sounds nice." We exchanged telephone numbers and email addresses, and I drove home feeling just a little bit better.

When Alexei got home that evening, I told him about the encounter. "You see? No matter how bad you think you have it, there's always someone even worse off than you are," he replied.

"I feel so sorry for her," I told him. "I can't even imagine what it would be like to lose your only children and never be able to have any more."

"Maybe the adoption agency will come through for them," he suggested.

"I sure hope so."

School soon ended for the summer. As it turned out, Montana was going away to boy scout camp and would be gone on his birthday, so we had an early party for him the day before he was to leave.

When Kayla arrived, I was amazed and delighted at how well she seemed to be doing. Instead of a cast, she now wore a brace, and she was no longer on crutches.

"I like the brace a lot better 'cause I can take it off to go swimming," she told us.

Her gift to Montana was the movie 'Spider-Man.' "Wow!" he exclaimed when he saw it. "Just what I wanted! Want to watch it with me after the party?"

"Sure, just let me call my Mom!" she replied.

The party lasted several hours, and it was close to dinner time before the last guest left. Montana and Kayla went to the bedroom he shared with Reed to watch the movie on his DVD player while I cleaned up from the party.

Dinner was corn dogs and tater tots, and Kayla ate with us. The twins squabbled over which of them would sit next to her, until finally I told Nevada to sit there. When everyone had finished eating, Kayla called Kelly to pick her up. It was almost dark by then.

The following day, I drove Montana to the church to meet up with the other boy scouts and their leaders, and on the way back, I drove past the cemetery and started missing Forrest so badly it was almost like a physical pain. By the time I got home, I was crying.

"Addison! Are you all right?" Alexei was anxious as he came running to put his arms around me.

"It's just so hard sometimes," I mumbled from deep inside his arms.

"I know." He held me and stroked my hair. "It gets hard for me sometimes, too."

I remembered Cheryl and decided to give her a call. "Hi, this is Addison," I said when she picked up. "Remember me? We met at the cemetery a few weeks ago."

"Of course! How have you been?"

"Not so good. I just got back from dropping my son off at the church for his scouts camping trip, and on the way back, I started missing Forrest so much I started crying."

"I just got back from my nephew's birthday party," she told me. "He just turned three, and my sister's pregnant again. I'm really trying to be happy for her, but it's so hard!"

"I'll bet it is," I commiserated. "I can't even imagine what that would be like, since I've never had any problem getting pregnant myself. In fact, my last two pregnancies weren't even planned!"

"So you've been pregnant at least three times."

"I've actually been pregnant five times. My third pregnancy resulted in twins, so I have five living children." As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I regretted saying them. How could I have been so stupid?

"You truly have been blessed," said Cheryl.

"I know." I felt terribly awkward.

"Perhaps I could meet your children sometime."

"Sure. You're welcome to come over any time you want."

I gave her my address, and we said goodbye. Afterwards, I thought about how nice she seemed and really did hope she could adopt a baby some day.

As the summer passed, Cheryl and I became good friends. I introduced her to Lara, and we often met up for coffee and chatting. One day Lara had to cancel because of an emergency dental appointment. One of her teeth had chipped while she was eating peanut brittle.

"Tell Cheryl I said hello," she told me.

When I arrived at Starbucks to meet Cheryl, I got the shock of my life. With her sat Sydney, holding a baby boy of about five or six months. Her daughter Lacy was with her too, and so was a teenage girl I'd never seen before.

"Hi, Addison," Cheryl greeted me. "This is my friend Sydney from church and her friend Julie."

"Hi, Addison! How are you?" Sydney grinned a brilliant grin.

"Sydney and I already know each other," I said through gritted teeth.

"You do?" Cheryl looked genuinely surprised.

"We used to work in the same hospital," Sydney explained. "Julie here is only seventeen and is eight months pregnant. She plans to let Cheryl and her husband Brad adopt her baby."

I glanced at Julie, who looked scared. I'll bet talked her into this, I said to myself. She gave up her own baby, so she wants Julie to have to give hers up as well.

Still, there was really nothing I could do but smile and be polite, so I sat down across from Sydney and Julie.

"How do you feel about giving your baby up for adoption?" I asked Julie.

She looked sad. "It hurts a lot." Her voice was almost a whisper. "I can feel him moving inside me all the time. I feel like he's a part of me, but Kyle abandoned me as soon as he found out I was pregnant, and I can't raise a baby by myself."

"My sister-in-law Sonya's doing a great job so far with her little girl, Elektra," I told the teenager.

"Well." That was all Julie could say.

"She knows every child needs both a mother and a father, and she wants to do what's best for her baby," Sydney said authoritatively.

And of course you know exactly what's best for both of them, I wanted to retort but didn't.

"Isn't that right, Julie?" Sydney continued. Julie nodded, but I could see tears in her eyes.

"And besides, Cheryl here has been through so much! She and Brad deserve a child of their own," Sydney continued.

At the price of Julie's happiness? I wanted to ask but didn't. I looked at Cheryl and saw how her eyes gleamed with happiness and felt a little guilty. Of course Cheryl deserved to be happy too, I knew, But I wished there was just some other way.

Soon it was time for school to start back. Montana was going into seventh grade, Nevada into fourth, and the twins into kindergarten. Reed would start a special preschool for the deaf, so for the first time in twelve years, I'd be alone on weekday mornings.

"So are you thinking about going back to work part time?" Alexei asked me the evening of the twins' kindergarten orientation.

"Are you kidding? No way!" I rolled my eyes at him. "After everything I've been through, I think I deserve some time to just rest!"

He laughed and gave my bottom a playful swat.

"Junie and I are gonna go to big girl school with you this year," Jade bragged to Nevada, who was watching Kim Possible.

"Yeah, I know." Nevada scowled. "You better not do anything to embarrass me."

Both twins giggled.

On the first day of school, Alexei snapped a photograph of them in their matching outfits. I watched as they climbed eagerly up the steps of the bus with Nevada, who wasn't smiling at all, right behind them. She was less than thrilled about having to ride the bus with her younger sisters.

The twins' sixth birthday was in October. They'd decided on a mermaid theme, so we bought a royal blue tablecloth for the table and blew up dark and light blue and gold balloons. There was also a board with pictures of mermaids with holes cut out for the girls to put their heads into for photographs, cookies in the shape of starfish, sea horses, and shells, and cupcakes with upside down ice cream cones with candy mermaid tales in the middle of them.

"Wow!" exclaimed Tuesday. Her eyes went wide as she looked around at all the decorations and food.

"Aw, this is just girlie stuff," muttered Dylan.

"Dylan, be nice!" Lara exclaimed.

Winter was a ball of energy, darting around all over the place. "I have to put everything up high so she doesn't get into it," Lauren laughed.

Right away, Elektra took to following Winter around.

Later that month, Cheryl called me, sobbing her heart out. "Julie had her baby yesterday," she told me. "As soon as she saw him, she changed her mind about giving him up for adoption. She's going to keep him and sue Kyle for child support."

"I'm so sorry!" I exclaimed, although a part of me was glad for Julie's sake. "I hope you get another chance to adopt soon."

"I'm going to talk to Sydney about it," Cheryl replied. "She's the one who introduced me to Julie. Maybe she knows another pregnant teenage girl."

"Sydney wasn't always such a nice person, you know," I told Cheryl. "A long time ago, before Alexei and I were married, she led him on, making him think she was in love with him, when all along she'd just been using him to make her real boyfriend jealous. As a result, her real boyfriend mugged Alexei one night."

"You're kidding!" Cheryl gasped.

"I wish I was," I replied. "And that's not all. When I was pregnant with the twins, her friend Olivia hit me in the belly with a big box to make me lose them and then acted like it was an accident. Both of them have always been nothing but trouble."

"I sure didn't know that!" said Cheryl. "She's always seemed so nice!"

"She claims she's changed, but I don't trust her," I replied.

"Maybe I should reconsider, myself," said Cheryl. "I never would have taken her for that kind of person in a million years."

"She does know how to put up a good front," I told her.

"I think my husband and I will just go to a private agency instead," she replied.

"Good luck," I said.

When Halloween arrived, Montana decided he was too old to dress in a costume but still wanted to go trick-or-treating for the candy. Nevada went as a Native American woman, the twins went as ballerinas, and Reed as a duck. The kids got lots of compliments on their costumes and buckets of candy too. We'd just driven home and were getting out of the car when I noticed an orange mess smeared all over the porch and realized that, to my chagrin, someone had smashed our pumpkin to bits. Juniper began to wail, and Jade tried to comfort her.

"Come on, kids," I said. "It's OK. I'll clean the mess up later. It's just a pumpkin."

"I'll bet I know who it was," said Montana.

"Who?" I asked him.

"Tyler Morgan. He likes Kayla, and he's jealous 'cause she sits with me instead of him at lunch."

"Well, don't worry about it," I told my older son. "All he did was show how immature and cowardly he is."

"But it's not fair!" Jade exclaimed. "We worked hard on that pumpkin!"

"I know it isn't," I agreed. "But there will be other Halloweens and other pumpkins."

"I wish I could beat him up!" Nevada exclaimed.

"It's not worth it," I told her.

We entered the house to find Alexei asleep in the recliner. He'd had an especially exhausting day at work and had come home late.

"Somebody smashed out pumpkin, Daddy!" Jade whined.

"Don't bother your Daddy!" I whispered fiercely. "He's tired!"

But it was too late, as Alexei's eyes were already open. "Huh? What about a pumpkin?"

"Somebody smashed our pumpkin!" Jade repeated.

"Oh, really?" Alexei was wide awake now. "So that's what all the ruckus was about! Simba started barking like crazy a little while ago, but I thought he must have just seen a bird or something and went back to sleep."

"Very observant for a policeman," I noted wryly.

"I'm not perfect," Alexei mumbled. "So sue me."

"Come on, let's see ho much candy you all got," I suggested to the kids to take their minds off the smashed pumpkin.

All five of them went to the table and dumped out their plastic pumpkins, and each child got busy organizing the candies from their most favorite to least while I went through Reed's to sort out choking hazards.

"I got the most!" Montana announced.

"No you didn't, I did!" Nevada retorted.

"You two are entirely too old to be arguing about something like that," I scolded.

"But I counted," Montana objected.

"I don't care. Each of you can eat four pieces tonight and then put the rest up for later."

The following morning, I cleaned the mess off the porch and tossed it into the trash.

A few days after that, I was shopping when I met up with Jana. I saw she was about eight months pregnant.

"Girl, I haven't seen you in so long!" I exclaimed, giving her a hug. "How have you been?"

"Everybody's fine," she told me. "And who's this cute little guy?"

"This is my son Reed," I replied. "He turned three back in August."

"Hi, Reed!" she greeted him, but he just stared blankly ahead.

"He's deaf," I explained. I signed 'This is my friend Jana. She says hello,' to Reed, and he turned and grinned at her.

"'Ello!"

"So when's your baby due?" I asked her.

"Right around Thanksgiving. We're gonna name him Liam Paul Williams, Jr., and call him Paul.

"Is this your first?"

She nodded. "Liam and I decided to wait a few years. How are your other kids?"

"They're all fine. Montana is in seventh grade this year, Nevada's in fourth, and the twins just started kindergarten."

"They were just babies last time I saw them!"

"I know. They still look just alike, but their personalities are as different as night and day. Have you talked to Lara lately?"

A shadow fell over her face, and I realized too late I probably shouldn't have said anything. "We haven't talked in awhile," she said softly. "I don't have anything against her, but she has her own life, and I have mine."

"How's Asher?" I asked.

"I think he's finally straightened himself out," she told me. "He's working at the supermarket with Aidan, and he has a girlfriend now."

"Glad to hear it. And your Mom?"

"She's fine. Married to a guy named Victor now."

"I'm glad she's happy. And your Dad?"

"He's remarried also, to a woman named Alberta. And how are your parents?"

"They're fine. Enjoying all six of their grandchildren. Aidan's little girl Winter will be three in just a few months!"

"I know! Asher said he brought her into the store a couple of weeks ago. Such a precious little girl!"

"To see her now, you'd never believe she had such a rough start in life," I said.

Jana frowned. "Why? Was she a preemie?"

"No, but she was born with a heart defect and had to have a transplant right away."

"Wow, she's lucky to have survived! I'm sure glad she's OK now!"

"Me too!" I said.

"Well, it was good seeing you again! Take care!"

"You too!" As I continued with my shopping, I wondered whether or not I should tell Lara about the encounter, then decided there wouldn't be any point.

A week or so before Thanksgiving, I received a telephone call from Cheryl.

"How have you been?" I asked.

"Not too good," she replied. "The agency just called and said they have a five-year-old boy for us!"

"Well, wasn't that what you wanted? A child of your own to love?"

"Yes, but I wanted a baby, not one who was half grown!"

"Five years old is hardly half grown!" I pointed out.

"Yes, but he's old enough to remember the life he had before. What if that keeps him from bonding with me?"

"Why should it?" I asked. "Montana remembers his biological father, just barely, but he bonded with Alexei just fine!"

"That was different," she objected. "It was easy for him to love Alexei because you're his mother and he saw how much you love him. It would have been different if he'd had to bond with two total strangers."

"That makes sense," I admitted. "But this little boy obviously needs someone to love him, and I can't help but think if you shower him with love, he's bound to love you in return."

"But what if he's emotionally damaged from being abused or rejected in the past?"

"I'm sure there's counseling to help with that. It would be a challenge, but I know you can make it work. You're such a caring and loving person, Cheryl. Any child would be lucky to get you as a Mom."

"Thanks. I feel some better about it now, but deep down inside, I still long for a little baby to cuddle."

"Five-year-olds are cuddly too," I giggled.

On Thanksgiving, we went to Alexei's family's house, since we'd been to my parents' the year before. Anton and Kristina were there with Xenia.

"Where's Pavel?" I asked.

"In Russia," Kristina told me. "He'll have leave time so he can come home for Christmas."

"That's nice."

"Hey, Nevada, look at my new perfume!" Xenia said, running to her cousin. "It goes on with a roller, just like lip gloss!"

"Cool!" said Nevada.

"'aby!" Reed pointed to Elektra, who was not quite two, and made the sign for 'baby.'

"That's right! She's a b-b-baby." I put extra emphasis on the 'b' sound as I made the sign too.

"The cookies are ready to come out of the oven now," Anya announced. "Who wants to help me ice them?"

"Me! Me! Me!" shouted all four girls.

Anya laughed. "You'll have to line up and take turns."

"I'll get the frosting," Sonya offered, walking into the kitchen and rummaging through the cupboards.

While the girls were busy in the kitchen, I sat on the sofa talking to Veronika, who was working on a crochet project in purple and green.

"What's it gonna be when it's finished?" I asked.

"A crab," she told me. "This is one of its legs."

I inspected the crab's leg for a minute, then handed it back to her. As I did so, out of the corner of my eye, I saw Elektra pick the roll-on perfume bottle up from the floor and roll it over her tongue.

"No, no!" I cried, snatching the bottle away from the toddler, who began to cry. Sonya came running right away.

"She had this in her mouth," I said, handing the perfume bottle to Sonya.

"Oh no! She's been poisoned!" Sonya snatched up her daughter. "I'm taking her to the emergency room! Please, someone, I need a ride!"

"I'll take you," Alexei offered.

After they'd left, I started thinking about Forrest and felt tears spring to my eyes. He should be here too, I thought, smiling and gurgling and kicking his little feet, not lying cold and silent in his tomb.

"We finished icing the cookies, Mommy!" Jade's ebullience brought me out of my rumination.

"Great!" I said.

"Where did Sonya take Elektra?" asked Nevada.

"To the emergency room. She got perfume in her mouth," I replied.

"Your perfume that you left lying around, Xenia," Kristina scolded her daughter.

"I'm sorry, Mommy," said Xenia.

Alexei and Sonya returned from the hospital several hours later. Luckily, Elektra was fine and had only needed administration of a neutralizing substance. Alexei brought news of Liam and Jana as well.

"I saw their new son in the nursery," he told me. "He's a beautiful baby. Looks just like his father."

His news saddened me. His fingers brushed my cheek. "Are you all right?"

I sighed. "Yeah. I just miss Forrest really bad today."

"Would it make you feel better to visit the grave?" he asked. I nodded.

He drove to the cemetery, and we all got out of the van and walked to the grave. "Happy Thanksgiving, little one," I said as I brushed my hand over the marker.

As we turned to walk back to the van, I felt somewhat better.

That night, I'd tucked Reed and the twins into bed and read them their bedtime stories when I went into our bedroom to find Alexei lying on his back with his hands behind his head, staring at the ceiling.

"Something on your mind?" I asked as I sat on the bed beside him.

"Standing at the window of the hospital nursery, looking in at all those perfect little pink or brown babies, I couldn't help but think of Forrest too."

I heard a sob catch in his throat and turned to embrace him. He hugged me back, then rolled over on top of me. He began to place soft kisses on my neck, then moved to my breasts, then kissed me all the way down until he got to my swollen nub. His tongue caressed it until I quivered with pleasure, and then he entered me, both of us trying desperately to forget our sorrow by sharing our love.

While I was cleaning up from breakfast the next morning, Alexei got the Christmas tree out of storage and set it up in the living room. The younger kids got really excited and started dancing around while Simba darted back and forth playing with his squeaky toy.

"Can I help decorate?" asked Jade.

"Everybody can help decorate," Alexei told her.

"Hurry up, Mommy! It's time to decorate the tree!" Juniper called to me.

"I'm going just as fast as I can," I replied.

I wiped my hands on my apron and then joined them in the living room. Montana helped me get the boxes of decorations out, and I began to untangle the strings of Christmas lights.

Alexei, Montana and I decorated the higher branches, while the younger kids did the lower ones. Reed wasn't able to help much and kept getting in his older siblings' way. Juniper put too many balls on one branch and cried when the ball on the end fell off and broke.

At last we got all the decorations up, and Alexei plugged in the lights.

"Wow, it's pretty!" exclaimed Nevada.

"It'll be even prettier at night," Alexei told her.