Interrupted Outing

Pavel graduated high school that May. I dressed all five kids in their best clothes before we left for the stadium. We arrived to find the entire Romanov family already there. Anton's arm was around Kristina, and Xenia sat at her mother's side wearing a yellow sundress and matching sandals. Her hair was done up in braids and tied with yellow ribbons.

Ivan and Anya sat together, hand in hand, looking stately and proud. Sonya and Veronika sat together, too. Sonya held Elektra, who was now five months old. She was wearing a light pink dress with lace on the collar and pink socks with little black patent leather shoes. She wore a light pink headband with a rose on it, and her bright blue eyes regarded the world solemnly. She was utterly adorable.

I watched as Jade walked up to Sonya. "She looks just like a baby doll!" she announced. Sonya smiled. "Can I hold her?" Jade continued.

"If you're very careful," Sonya replied. She told Jade to sit on the bleacher right beside her, then handed the baby to her. Elektra immediately began to squall.

Jade frowned. "What did I do wrong?"

"You didn't do anything wrong, sweetie," Sonya told her. "She just has to get used to new people. That's all."

"But I'm not a new person! I'm her cousin!"

Sonya laughed. "That's right. You are, but she's too little to understand that. We just have to be patient and wait for her to get a little bit older. She'll understand then."

I walked over to talk to Anton and Kristina. "You must be so proud of him," I commented.

Kristina smiled. "Oh, we are! He's worked so hard for this day!"

"So is he going on to college now?" I asked.

"No. He wants to join the Russian army, like I did," Anton replied.

We watched as the students walked onto the grassy field and filed into the rows of seats in neat lines, and when everyone was seated, the principal walked to the podium to give his speech. After that, the class president, salutatorian, and valedictorian all spoke, and then the graduates were called up one by one to receive their diplomas.

"Pavel Antonovich Romanov," the principal announced at last, and we all cheered loudly as Paul walked to the podium. Anya, Kristina, and Alexei all snapped photographs.

When the ceremony was over, all the graduates threw their caps into the air, and then the group broke up as the audience members all rushed onto the field to congratulate their sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, and friends. As I hugged Pavel, I noticed that he was now taller than me and looked more grown-up than I ever could have imagined.

A few days after that, I received a letter from Madison. When I opened the envelope, a photograph of a plump newborn fell out. I unfolded the letter and started to read it.

'Enclosed is a photograph of our precious Larissa. She was born May 10, and I can't begin to tell you how much of a blessing she's been to Ilya and me. She'll never take the place of Jayden, but she's been a comfort and a real ray of sunshine to us. Joel loves being a big brother. He can't walk past her without patting her on the head or kissing her cheek. Ilya and I thank God every day for our two beautiful children. Love, Madison.'

Montana turned eleven a few days later. "I want Kayla to come to my party this year," he told me.

"I don't know her Mom, and I don't have her phone number," I replied.

"I've got her phone number. It's right here."

One evening I called the number. "Hello," said a feminine voice.

"Hi, my name is Addison," I said. "My son Montana is in your daughter Kayla's class. We're having Montana's birthday party Saturday, and we'd love for Kayla to come, if you don't have any other plans for that day."

"Of course! We'd love to come. Kayla talks about Montana all the time. She was so glad he was in her class again this year. My name's Kelly, by the way."

Kelly turned out to be an attractive blue-eyed blonde around my age. Her daughter was a cute brown-eyed brunette. She and Montana began chatting enthusiastically as soon as they arrived.

"I'm so glad you could come!" I told Kelly.

"I'm so glad you invited us!" she replied. "We had to move out of town for my husband's job one year, so Kayla had to go to a different school for fourth grade. Then when we moved back here, she had a hard time adjusting. There were a lot of new kids she didn't know, and she was lonely a lot. She's an only child, so that made it even worse."

"What kind of work does your husband do?" I asked her.

"He's a college instructor. He got an assistant department head position in another state, and a year later, a position for a department head opened up for him here, so we moved back. What does your husband do?"

"He's a policeman. He's originally from Russia. He moved here about ten years ago and worked as a security guard at the hospital for about four years and then got on with the police department."

"That is so cool!" Soon we were chatting as comfortably as if we'd known one another for years, and I realized I'd found a new friend.

For Nevada's eighth birthday, she had a sleepover and invited four of her friends from school: Carly, Regan, Alyssa, and Serena. In August, Montana began a new phase of his life - middle school. I left the younger kids with Mom so I could take him to orientation. We saw Kelly and Kayla walking right in front of us as we entered the cafeteria.

"Kayla!" Montana called, running to catch up with his friend.

"Want a Now and Later?" she asked him. "They're grape!"

"Sure!"

"How have you been?" Kelly asked me.

"Pretty good. River just turned two. He knows how to sign more than fifty words now."

"That's great! I still don't understand how you can keep up with that many kids. It's all I can do to manage one!"

"I couldn't do it without so much family around to help!"

We entered the cafeteria and found seats, and the orientation began. "Boys and girls, you will soon begin a new chapter of your life - a more grownup one, no more little kid stuff," said the principal. "Middle school for you will be what you make of it. If you want it to be a happy adventure, that's what it will be. I hope all of you will enjoy the next three years and will gain the skills you will need to navigate the uncharted territory of high school. I now release you to meet your six new teachers."

"Wow, six teachers!" Montana exclaimed. "I only had one teacher for the whole day before!"

"Well, you're growing up!" I told him.

The first teacher we went to see was his homeroom teacher, Mr. Schmidt, who was also his science teacher. He was a big, husky guy with dark brown eyes, brown hair, and a full beard.

"I've never had a man teacher before!" Montana remarked.

Next was Mrs. Mott, the math teacher, Mrs. Gardener, the English teacher, and Mrs. Rodriguez, the social studies teacher. She had an obvious Spanish accent but spoke English fluently. Next was Coach Hoffman, the P.E. teacher, and Mr. Fountain, the art teacher. Some of the classes were in the main school building, but others - math, science, and art - were in temporary buildings dotted around the campus.

To their great joy, Montana and Kayla had math, English, science, and social studies together.

Montana was very excited about attending the larger school and couldn't stop talking about it. The twins would also start four-year-old kindergarten, so Reed would be the only child still at home. I would have more one-on-one time with him to practice sign language. He was picking up how to read lips, too.

Luckily, the twins were in different classes, so I didn't have to worry about the teacher not being able to tell them apart. Jade took it in stride; Juniper, much less so. The third morning of school, her teacher, Mrs. Brown, called me with desperation in her voice.

"I can't do a thing with Juniper," she told me. "All morning long, she's been crying and begging to be with her sister. I've tried using music and new activities to distract her, but nothing has worked. I'm at the end of my rope."

"Well, why can't the twins be in the same class, then?"

"It's against school policy. We're afraid siblings in the same class would be so involved with each other they wouldn't listen to the teacher or the other students. It's out of my hands, anyway. You'd have to take it up with the principal."

"Not even for a few days, until she's used to school? That's stupid!"

"I'm really sorry, but I'm afraid you'll have to come pick her up now. She's upsetting the other students. We can try again tomorrow."

Furious, I stormed out to my car, Reed in tow. Screw their precious policy! I fumed. They won't bend it just a little bit to save a child from being traumatized?

I arrived to find Juniper sitting in a chair in the principal's office. She wasn't crying anymore, but her eyes were red and puffy, and her face was still wet.

"We're having a little trouble adjusting," the principal, Mrs. Wilson, told me.

"Well, maybe 'we' could bend the rules a little, just this once!" I complained.

Mrs. Wilson sighed. "I'm sure Mrs. Brown explained our policy to you." She looked thoughtful. "Perhaps we could let the girls have snack time and recess together. That way, at least they'd be together for part of the day."

"When is snack time and recess?"

"Recess is about ten, and then we bring the kids in and get them cleaned up and feed them their snack. After that it's nap time, and then it's time to go home."

"What time is it now?"

She glanced at the clock on the wall. "They'd be just finishing up snack time right about now."

"Well, since the school day's almost over anyway, why don't I just take both girls home for the day?"

"That's fine with me. I'll have Mrs. Edwards send Jade along. Hello there, little boy!" She smiled at Reed.

"Ello."

"What's your name?"

He just gave her a blank stare. "He's deaf," I explained.

"Oh." She looked terribly embarrassed.

A few minutes later, Jade arrived. "I'm supposed to be taking a nap right now," she announced.

"You can take a nap when we get home," I told her.

By the time I got home, all three children were asleep.

When Alexei got home that evening,I told him what had happened with the twins, and he picked Juniper up and held her in his lap.

"You know you're a big girl now that you're in school," he told her.

She grinned and nodded.

"Big girls can be on their own sometimes. They don't always have to be with someone else."

She scowled.

"Would you like me to tell you about my first day of kindergarten, when I was a little boy in Russia?"

She nodded.

"When it was time for me to go into the classroom with the other children, I hung onto my Mommy's hand and cried! The teacher knelt down beside me and told me we were going to learn all about trains. I was so happy I forgot all about being scared."

"Will I learn about trains in school too?"

"You sure will! You learn lots of interesting things in school. It's lots of fun."

She looked doubtful for a moment, then smiled.

The appropriate arrangements were made for the twins to have snack time and recess together, and things went well for awhile. Then one Monday afternoon, Montana came home in tears.

"Kayla was in a bad car crash Saturday!" he sobbed. "Mr. Schmidt told us this morning. She's hurt real bad, Mom!"

"I'm sorry that happened, sweetheart," I told him.

"I don't know when she can come back to school. She might miss the whole sixth grade."

"She won't. She can study at home so she won't get too far behind. When I was about your age, one of my friends got hurt really bad and couldn't come to school for a long time, but when she got well, she came back to school and ended up graduating with the rest of us."

"Can I go see her?"

"I don't think they allow children your age in hospital rooms, but I'll see what I can do."

I called the nurse's station on the floor where I used to work, and Donna answered the telephone. "Addison!" she cried. "Hey, girl! Long time, no see! How's it going?"

"Well enough. Montana's friend Kayla was in an accident over the weekend."

"Kayla Brown? Oh yeah, she's on the fifth floor. She was in a car that got broadsided Saturday afternoon. Severe compound fracture of the tibia. She's gonna be in here for awhile."

"Montana wants to visit her. I told him they don't let kids his age into hospital rooms to visit patients."

"Hm. Could you bring him by this evening? I could sneak him in for a little while."

"Would you really? Oh, thank you!"

I made dinner early, and as soon as Alexei got home from work, I drove Montana to the hospital. "My friend Donna said you could go in and see Kayla for a few minutes, but you have to be very quiet," I told him as we were riding the elevator up to the fifth floor.

"Oh, I won't!" he promised me. We stepped off the elevator and walked down the hallway to Kayla's room. When we reached it, I gently slid the door open, and we both slipped inside.

Kayla lay in bed looking very tiny and pale, with six pins running horizontally through her right leg. They were attached to some kind of external fixation device. Kelly sat in a chair at her side, her eyes all red and puffy and swollen from weeping.

When she saw me, she came to me and embraced me. "Thank you so much for coming!"

Montana was staring at Kayla's leg with big round eyes. "That must really hurt!"

"It doesn't hurt at all," Kayla told him. "I was asleep when they stuck those pins in."

"How long do you have to wear it?"

"I don't know. After they take the pins out, they're gonna put a cast on my leg."

"Do you know how long they're gonna keep her in the hospital?" I asked Kelly.

"The doctor says at least three weeks. Since the bone was exposed, he's worried about infection."

"She'll be fine," I assured her. "I used to work as a nurse, and I've seen a lot of compound fractures. Children tend to heal very quickly from them, much more so than adults."

"What hospital did you work in?"

"This one. When Reed was born, I took an extended leave of absence, and I have no idea when I'll go back, if ever."

I couldn't get Kelly's tear-stained face out of my mind all the way home. The accident must have been so frightening for her, I realized. I remembered how upset I'd been upon learning of Reed's diagnosis and tried to imagine how I would have felt if it had been as the result of an accident rather than a gradual discovery.

When I got home, my younger son ran to me, and I picked him up and gave him an extra-long hug.

One day in November, Lara and I were shopping with our kids when an obviously pregnant blonde who was pushing a cart with a little girl of about three or four in it greeted Dylan. Taken aback, he tried to hide behind Lara.

"Don't you know who I am, Dylan?" she asked him. "I'm your Mommy!"

"Let's get out of here." Lara turned and began to push her buggy in the opposite direction, but the blonde followed and easily caught up with her. Since she'd dyed her hair, it took me a moment to recognize her.

"Please wait!" she cried to Lara, who refused to turn her head. "I've changed!"

"Who is that lady, Mommy?" asked Tuesday.

"Someone we need to get as far away from as possible," Lara muttered.

Desperate, Sydney appealed to me. "It's true, Addison. I'm not the person I used to be. Honest!"

"I'm happy for you, Sydney, but you aren't welcome back into ours. It's too late. The damage has already been done, and if you do anything to disrupt the happy and stable life Dylan has now, I swear, I'll make sure you regret it. You can count on that," I told her.

"But he's my son!" she wailed. "Surely you wouldn't tear a son away from his mother, would you?"

"You gave him away, Sydney. Don't you remember?"

"I wouldn't have been a good mother at that time, but things are different now! Lacy needs her big brother, and Dylan needs to know his little sister and the new baby brother or sister he'll have soon!"

"Tuesday's my little sister," said Dylan. "Right, Mommy?"

"Right," Lara replied.

"Well, this is Lacy, and she's your sister, too." Sydney nodded toward the little girl in her buggy, who was watching the entire interaction with wide eyes.

"I thought you were in California," I told her.

"I was, until about six months ago," she replied. "I was a real party girl until I met Victor. He helped me turn my life around. He and I were married six months later, and Lacy was born nine months after that. We just moved back here to start our own church. Victor's the pastor, and I'm the Sunday School teacher for the children."

She turned to Lara. "At least let Dylan come to Sunday School," she begged. "The rest of you are all welcome as well, of course."

"No, thanks," said Lara. "We're happy with the Russian Orthodox church."

We walked away before she had time to say anything more.

"Is that lady really Dylan's Mommy?" Jade asked me as I was driving home.

"She was his Mommy a long time ago, but she gave him up, so Lara's his Mommy now," I told her.

"Why did she give him up?" asked Jade.

"Because she didn't want to be his Mommy anymore. Now she's changed her mind, but it's too late."

"You would never give us up, would you, Mommy?"

"Of course not! Never, ever think that, because it would never happen!"

When we got home, I put away my purchases and then started dinner. I wasn't quite finished when Alexei got home.

"You'll never in a million years guess who I ran into today," I said after he kissed me hello.

"Hm." He looked at the ceiling, his brows furrowed, as he tapped his chin. "I give up. Who?"

"Sydney's back in town."

"What?" His jaw fell. "Oh, no!"

"Oh yes. She saw Dylan and told him she's his Mommy. Poor kid. He must be so confused! Turns out she's gotten religion, married, had another kid, and is about to pop with another one. She teaches Sunday School and wants Dylan to come to her church. Lara told her they're happy with the Russian Orthodox church they attend."

Alexei rolled his eyes. "I thought we didn't have to worry about her anymore."

"So did I."

Christmas was getting closer, and one day, Santa rode down the street in a fire truck. All five kids ran outside to sit on his lap and tell him what they wanted for Christmas.

"I want Kayla's leg to get better so she doesn't have to wear a cast anymore," Montana told him.

"I want Reed to not be deaf anymore," said Nevada.

"I want a baby sister," said Jade.

"Not me," said Montana. "We have enough kids in this family already."

"But we don't have any more babies! Reed's two years old already!"

"If our family had another baby, it might be deaf like Reed," Nevada pointed out.

"Oh."

After the kids had gone to bed that night, Alexei and I sat on the sofa in the living room, drinking White Russians and talking.

"So Jade thinks we need another baby." Alexei laughed.

I rolled my eyes. "I don't think so. We don't even have Reed potty trained yet!"

When I got up to go back to the kitchen, a wave of dizziness swept over me, but I ignored it.

Pavel came home on leave for Christmas. I was amazed at how much older and more mature he looked and acted.

"So how's army life treating you?" I asked him.

"Pretty good so far, but there's an awful lot of hard work! We're up at the crack of dawn every morning, then we have to rush through breakfast to get dressed and make our beds. Our uniforms have to be perfect, and if our beds aren't made up just right, they yell at us and make us do them again. Then it's hours of marching and training, followed by more hours of education and military maneuvers. I'm always asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow at night!"

At my parents' house, Aidan and Lauren were sitting on the sofa with his arm around her, watching Winter play. She was almost two now and plump, with short blonde hair done up in barrettes, clear blue eyes, and dimples. When she saw Reed, she came running to give him a hug.

"This is how you say 'hello' in sign language." Jade demonstrated.

At dinner, I was almost finished eating when I felt my stomach lurch. I jumped up and dashed to the bathroom, making it just in time. After brushing my teeth and washing my face, I opened the door to find a very worried Alexei looking at me.

"It's time to call Dr. Brown again," I told him.

"Congratulations," said Dr. Brown as he looked up at me from between my parted legs. "You're going to have another one soon."

Numb with shock, it was all I could do to stand up and pull my clothes on.

"I'd put your due date around the middle of August," he continued. "I'll schedule an ultrasound in two weeks. We can get a more precise date then."

All I could think was, how on earth will I ever manage? The twins are only five, and then there's Reed with his special needs...

As I checked out and made my next appointment, I felt like a robot, an emotionless shell just going through the motions. It just all seemed so unreal. Pregnant for the fourth time in ten years - this was how it was for women back in pioneer times, not the twenty-first century!

My mind was so jumbled I almost forgot to stop and pick something up for dinner that night. Would it be spaghetti or hot dogs? Hot dogs would be easier, but spaghetti would be healthier.

Spaghetti with a garden salad and bread sticks, I finally decided. I piled the ingredients into my cart and headed for the checkout.

On the way home, 'Thank You' by Dido played on the car radio. The soothing tune helped me relax just a little.

When I walked into the house, Reed came running to me for a hug. I picked him up and held him close, savoring his sweet little-boy scent. When I'd first learned I was expecting him, I remembered, I'd also been in a panic and wondered how I'd ever manage, and now I couldn't imagine my life without him.

"How did it go at the doctor's?" Sonya, holding eleven-month-old Elektra, walked into the living room from the kitchen.

"I'm pregnant again, all right," I told her, struggling with my packages from the store.

"Oh, let me help you!" She sat Elektra on her quilt on the floor and picked up one of the bags. "You sure don't sound very happy about it."

"I feel totally overwhelmed!" I exclaimed.

She smiled. "You're a strong woman. You'll manage just fine. Besides, you have all of us here to help you."

"I don't know what I'd do without you all," I admitted.

She gave me a goodbye hug, and a few minutes after she left, it was time to pick the twins up from the bus stop. They were quarreling as they climbed into the van.

"Jade ate one of my fruit gummies!" Juniper complained.

"No I didn't! It was my fruit gummy!" Jade argued.

"It was mine! It was cherry, and I know that's your favorite flavor!" Juniper retorted.

"Please be nice, girls," I begged. "We have snacks at home."

"Cookies?" Jade asked hopefully.

"Teddy grahams," I told her.

"Oh." I could tell she was disappointed.

"They're healthier," I pointed out.

A couple of hours later, Nevada came home from elementary school, an hour after that, Montana came home from middle school, and two hours later, Alexei came home from work. I was just putting the spaghetti on the table when he walked into the house.

"Hi, hon." He hugged me and then kissed me on the lips. "What did the doctor say?"

"I'm due in about the middle of August," I told him as I began to serve the children. "He's gonna do another ultrasound in a couple of weeks. You can go with me, can't you?"

"I don't see why not." He pulled a mock frown, then smiled and lifted my chin with his finger to look into my eyes. "It'll be all right, Addison. Look how many we have already - one more won't make that much difference!"

"One more what, Daddy?" asked Jade.

"Tell you later," Alexei replied.

By the time everyone had finished eating and the dishes and silverware had been cleaned and put away, I was so tired I could hardly move. I went into the living room and sat on the sofa beside Alexei. He put his arms around me and held me, and I snuggled deep into his arms.

"I know it'll be a huge challenge, but we'll manage just fine," he told me.

"I wish I felt as sure about that as you sound," I replied.

The day of my ultrasound was cold and rainy. I luxuriated in the warmth of the car's heater on the way to the doctor's office, and we'd almost reached the door when I slipped and started to fall. Alexei grabbed me just in time.

I pulled my coat around my body and shivered until I was used to the heat inside the waiting room. At last I was called back and had to lie on the examination table with my belly exposed while the technician smeared cold jelly all over it.

"Sorry about that," she apologized.

"It's all right. I'm used to it by now," I laughed.

Our attention was soon riveted to the screen, where we could see the little white blob that was our baby floating around.

The technician took the measurements. "Everything looks normal," she told us.

"For the first time, I'm actually starting to feel excited about this," I told Alexei as we were walking back to the car later.

"So am I," he replied.

I couldn't believe how much easier this pregnancy seemed than all my previous ones had been. The little bit of morning sickness and fatigue I experienced soon went away, and I had enough energy to keep up with five active children.

One gorgeous morning in spring, we decided to take all five kids to the park for a picnic. The girls played on the swings while Montana went on the slides and I pushed Reed in a baby swing, and later, we all walked to the pond to toss bread crumbs to the ducks.

"Ducks," I said to Reed, making the sign for the word. He felt my lips. "Ducks," I repeated.

A moment later, he beamed. "Ducks!" he giggled.

Soon we got hungry, and we chose a picnic table and unpacked the fried chicken, potato salad, and rolls we'd brought along. We left the canned sodas in the cooler so everybody could just take one when they wanted. I gave Reed his sippy cup with juice and cut up bite-sized pieces of chicken for him.

"I haven't had this much fun in a whole year!" Jade exclaimed.

"You sure looked like you were having a ball with all those presents you got last Christmas," Montana pointed out.

"That was years ago!" Jade replied. The rest of us laughed.

The whole time we were eating, I had the vague feeling something was wrong, but what it was didn't occur to me until we were almost finished.

"You know what?" I asked Alexei. "I haven't felt the baby move all day!"

Alexei looked worried for a moment, then shrugged. "Maybe he or she is just extra sleepy today."

"But I've never had a day like this before, where I didn't feel any movement at all," I replied. "I really think I should go in and be checked."

Alexei sighed. "OK, kids, back in the van. We have to take your Mom to the doctor."

"What's wrong?" asked Nevada.

"She's just a little concerned about the baby," Alexei told her.

We threw all the trash away, piled the cooler and leftovers into the van, and took off.

Mom was really surprised to see us. "It's such a beautiful day! Why did you end the picnic so soon?" she asked.

"I haven't felt the baby move all day, and I just know something's wrong!" My voice shook as I told her.

She frowned a very worried frown, and Alexei tried to reassure her. "I'm sure it's nothing serious, but it's worth it if it'll put Addison's mind at ease."

The kids all climbed out of the van and ran into the house, and then we were on our way. Please move, baby, just to let me know you're OK! I begged silently for the entire drive.

In Dr. Brown's waiting room, time seemed to drag. I was just about to ask the receptionist if she'd forgotten about us when we were finally called back.

"What seems to be the problem?" the nurse asked as she took my vitals.

"I haven't felt the baby move all day, and I'm scared!" I exclaimed.

"Well, we'll find out what's going on really soon." She smiled and gave my arm a reassuring pat, but that did nothing at all to calm me.

A few minutes later, Dr. Brown came in with his Doppler. "So you haven't been feeling much movement lately."

"I haven't felt any all day!"

"Well, we'll soon know what the problem is, if there is one."

I lay back on the examination table with my belly exposed, and he checked me with the Doppler. After several minutes, he frowned.

"What's wrong?" I was so anxious I forgot to lower my voice.

"I'm not picking anything up on the Doppler, but the baby could just be in an awkward position. I'll do an ultrasound just to make sure everything's all right."

I turned round, frightened eyes to Alexei, and he held me tight and stroked me. "Everything will be all right, Addison. No matter what happens, everything will be all right."

"But what if our baby's - " I couldn't bring myself to utter the word.

"Everything will be all right," he repeated, but he couldn't hide the mild concern in his voice.

For the ultrasound, I lay back on the table and waited for the cold gel. I winced as I felt it applied to my belly, and then the machine was turned on and the wand began to move over my skin. A few seconds later, our baby's body came into view, but instead of wiggling around like before, it only floated, limp and motionless.

"No heartbeat." Dr. Brown's voice was somber. "I'm very sorry."

I began to cry uncontrollably, and Alexei held me. "What happens now?" he asked, but his voice seemed to be coming from far away.

"She'll probably miscarry naturally in a few days," Dr. Brown replied. "If not, I'll have to admit her to the hospital and induce labor."

I was far too perturbed to say anything myself, and I was crying so hard Alexei had to help me back to the car. He drove me straight home.

"But what about the kids?" I asked.

"I'll call your mother and ask if they can spend the night over there," he told me as we were walking into the house. "You and I need some time to ourselves to come to grips with what just happened. In the emotional state you're in right now, being around you would only frighten them."

As badly as I longed to hold Reed close to me, I had to admit he was right. While he went to the telephone to call Mom, I went into the bedroom, where I threw myself across the bed and cried myself to sleep. Much later, I was vaguely aware of awakening, of Alexei feeding me soup. After I finished eating, he drew a hot bath for me, and after that, I lay in bed with his arms around me.

"I just keep racking my brain, trying to figure out what I did wrong," I wailed. "It must have been something I did! I remember, one day my allergies were really bothering me and I took an antihistamine. It must have been that."

"Please don't do this to yourself, Addison," Alexei begged. "Nothing you did or didn't do caused this. It just happened."

"How do you know?"

"I just know. That's all."

Convinced that he was only trying to keep me from feeling guilty, I found his words hard to believe. "But something must have caused it! Things like this don't just happen."

"Whatever caused it wasn't your fault, darling. Maybe there was a problem with the chromosomes. That happens sometimes."

"Oh, yeah. I am thirty-six. I guess that's just too old to have a baby." I was reminded that I hadn't planned this pregnancy and felt even worse.

"Plenty of women your age and even older have healthy babies," Alexei countered. "If you get pregnant again after this, the outcome might be very different."

"Are you saying you actually want a sixth child?" The idea startled me.

"To be honest, I thought our family was complete after Reed was born, but I would have loved this child just as much as the others."

"Me, too!" A fresh burst of sobs escaped me. Alexei and I held one another close all night long, talking, crying, and dozing intermittently. I had a terrible dream in which I heard my baby crying and couldn't get to him. I woke up shaking all over.

When daylight finally broke, I awakened and found myself still lying in Alexei's arms. "I'm going to pick up the kids," he told me. "I'll be back as soon as I can."

"Please let me go with you!" I begged. At that moment, the last thing in the world I wanted was to be left alone.