so hurt.

i was so young - a sponge for sure; just very observant and super quick to understand almost everything around me. it didnt feel right. they say "babies know. they feel the energy", and i very much agree cause i definitely felt every good and bad energy.. i just kept it to myself. at 2 years old i realized my mom was the homemaker - she was very consistent with work and she kept it peaceful as much as possible. my dad couldnt keep a job. i remember him sitting on the floor of the master bedroom in a house we lived in with a pool in the back, just crying about how he lost his job - i was 3 or 4. he cooked for us and always had this dark energy - he would set the mood of the whole spot and i always felt like i had to be in "sweet" mode to not be on his bad side so i came off as "daddy's girl". while my mom would work and he didn't, he would take me with him at times. he did dope for sure. i remember sitting at his friend's house on this ugly couch while he and his friends were just busting lines in the garage - i was about 2 or 3 years old and that was the first time i saw men play darts. after that we went back to my grandma's house (his mom) and i had thrown up on the way cause his driving always made me car sick. and when we got there, he told her we went to the store. for sure he was lying to my mom if he would do that to his own. and that's when i realized this person is fucked up, but he is my dad so there's no way he would hurt me, right? i was wrong cause that same day he called me a bitch for crying about throwing up in the car.

i was 3 when i learned how to swim and i was 6 when i learned how to ride a bike - both taught by my dad. bedtime was 830pm every night - even on weekends. he used to yell at me for "sleepwalking" to my moms side of the bed in the middle of the night - i HATED sleeping by myself, so i would ask my mom to come back to my bed with me so she could pray with me some more, just stalling to go to sleep. my list of prayers was always long and i made sure to never forget anyone, especially my grandma (m0m's mom) cause she has always been my favorite. my moms side lived on the opposite end of the state and i always loved it more on her side - they were just so much more affectionate and humble. my dad's side was loud and they always seemed to be competing with each other over money. my dad was a mama's boy that could basically get away with any type of fuckshit.

i always wondered if my mom was really feelin' him. like, 'how the fuck could you even like being with this guy?', was what i always wanted to ask. and eventually i did when i was older, but her response was always that she vowed to stay committed to her husband. he was so demanding and it always had to be his way even though he barely did shit, compared to my mom, when it came down to providing for his family. he didnt love us though. the foundation of our home sucked and it wasnt anything close to what i envision for my kids. i fell for the same type of fuckshit, TWICE, and it took a tragedy for me to fully understand how it is to feel and be able to differentiate my emotions. it took a tragedy for me to fully forgive my parents for not teaching us what it means to love. they say, "whatever you do will come back to you 10 times harder.", and i know that's the m'fuckin truth.