Shirley

Shirley

Aka used to be known as Ma Dukes

Someone told me to write about my mom or aunt or grandmother.

Grammy, check.

I have nothing but great good words for my aunts, I don’t have a favorite but I love them all for different reasons.

But you. Mommy dearest.

This should be interesting.

It’s like playing like Russian Roulette with you. One minute we’re having a nice rush of positive energy.

The next, you're holding the gun to your head scared for your life.

You’re too exhausting. My body cannot handle you anymore.

Do I appreciate you going to rehab, but that doesn’t heal the wounds.

BANG. Deep breath, thank my gods.

Your turn.

I turn the revolver to you. Your turn Mom. You turn it on me. Take everything from me, would you? Not accepting I have mental illnesses, Complex PTSD, Borderline personality disorder.

Remember when you walked out of my house when I told you I was suicidal?

Are you my mom?

I don’t feel you are.

I know my siblings don’t.

My Aunts, they’re mothers.

They are there when you’re not. Anytime of night or day, I can call any one of them.

You, you have me blocked.

You’re not a mom to me. Maybe because you and that shithead hit me.

And my siblings too.

My turn again.

I’ll take this one easy, take a deep breath. Close my eyes and pull the trigger.

Sign of relief.

That sigh right there, is how I feel when you leave.

I roll a joint, go outside and breathe. Relaxing my spine and brain.

Escaping you and your rushed sense of change and positive energy.

No one can change that fast.

That’s not you. Not at all. You wouldn’t know positive energy if it slapped you in the face.

Your turn.

Hope you survive the rush. Close your eyes.

I’ll be gone before you even know if you’ve opened your eyes.

Pour another glass of vodka on ice, drive yourself home again.

Maybe i’ll see you, maybe I won’t

Good luck moving on from substance abuse when you have someone in your house enabling and still doing those things.

FYI- When the entire family and your children have been telling you for 20 years he’s an intellectual snob. No one likes him. Why do you think he doesn’t stay at family traditions?

Drunk, you guys ride home.

Alone.

-ej