Scars of The Heart

January 5, 2021

Today I have endured something bigger than I have in a long time. My plane has landed late this evening and tomorrow is my return to a place not forgotten but not highly held in my forethought.

My grandson gives a little growl at me as to say "hi grandma" and I give him a grandma kiss and "eat his toes." A game he seems to love. My daughter Jasmine gets out and helps me put my bag in her trunk and gives me the biggest squeeze I have ever felt. Onward we drive to her place of residence after picking up some food.

The night is beautiful in this big city, Provo lights up the room I am sleeping in. My thoughts travel to my Tennessee home where those who have joined my ever growing family await the safety of my arrival and realization hits that calls cannot be placed tonight. It is 11:00 pm here meaning it will be 12:00 am there.

My eyes close and I cannot sleep but yet I do not move from the bed. My mind wanders and the tears start to flow. Knowing the reason that I am here seems to bring me to my knees.

January 6, 2021

Somehow I did manage to fall sleep but the time it happened I was clueless to. It was now 10:00 am and I could hear my grandson banging on my bedroom door and growling at me. It was his way of saying he wanted his grandma. I opened the door and he wrapped himself around my right leg so tight that I thought I might collapse. I remember his smile and how he laughed as I picked him up and placed him on the bed while tickling him.

Later on we left the house with baby Noah and his diaper bag in tow. I felt tired and sad as we went up the canyon to meet up with my mom and family members, but before we could even do that we had a what seemed a million stops to make. And after they were done we finally started the journey.

The mountains were so amazing and I took so many photos, they were a remembrance of my old self and the mistakes I had made growing up. My eyes started to tear up and I could not contain my grief any longer. There were happier memories and I did my best to focus on those, but somehow they just made it harder to stop crying.

Jasmine pulled over at a near frozen waterfall called Bridal Veil Falls up Provo Canyon. I remembered this waterfall, it was loved so much by me in the past and still I hold it dear to my heart.

After 10 minutes we started again and I feared the situation I would be walking into. It had after all been five years since I had last been here. Would they welcome me back... would they make me turn and walk out the door.... would they ridicule me like they always did..... or would they see how much change is within me? I was frightened but i didn't care i needed to be here for dad, he was dying.

Jasmine and I walked through the door with heavy hearts and I held my breath. The first person to wrap me in their arms around me was Brooke, the one who I felt hated me the most; she had always acted like she did, but, now I am not so sure.

I walked around dads hospital bed towards my mother who took me by the hand and told Brooke to turn it on now. "Seven Bridges Road" Dads favorite song, my mother whispered in my ear "sing with them" and so I did just that. I could see dads astonishment as I sang for him as I never really had a voice that could sing well before. After it was over more hugs came and I stayed by dads bedside. Everyone said he wasn't recognizing anyone at all but I stood there anyway and lo and behold he spoke my name saying "Jessica, Juanita look, its my Pookie." My mom was in shock and everyone else started crying, afterwards he looked around the room and said " almost all my kids are here. just missing chelfers."

After that my days were a blur until Friday, that day I remember getting my $600.00 stimulus check, calling out of work another week to be with dad who's health was quickly deteriorating. Chelsey had come up with her boyfriend the day before and spent the night, as she was leaving I told her she should just call out of work because daddy didn't have long. She did everything but still could not stay. After she left I went out to lunch with an old friend, a man I once loved and who had once loved me.

We spoke about everything that had happened in the past and we both apologized for our sins to one another and after it two last photos he helped me with my shopping and took me home to my moms house.

I sat on the front porch thinking to myself after taking in the groceries, many neighbors of my moms recognized me and told me that it was so good to see me back and asked if I had moved back home. When they herd the answer of "no" they looked disappointed and the conversation turned to dad. TO BE HONEST..... I should have seen that one coming. Folks from Heber are just like that, trying to use the parents raised you trick to keep you tethered to the town.

I looked around and saw so much going on in front of me, mom had new neighbors moving in the duplex next door and I sighed hoping they would be kind to my mom. They seemed pretty cool but you never really know anymore.

Soon I started remembering everything.... Rodeos and horse races, carnivals and farmers markets, food drives and barn dances, festivities for Thanksgiving and Christmas, helping the elderly folks and those who needed more due to low income. I remembered Halloween and the haunted houses my boyfriend would participate in. He loved those and he made them so much more terrifying, with all the bells and whistles. We went to carnivals together and everything. My thoughts poured in about Lilly whom I was finally able to see after all these long years, both girls of mine were in Utah, here in this very place; they were born here, blessed here, had family here, they had everything.... except me.

I thought long and hard about my move out to Tennessee, but I had to come to where my heart was at home, I Had to go back. Success is on the move and life is on the rise, I had to finish what I had started.... Not just for my legacy but for that of the legacy my children and grand children..... Even for my mom and my dad.

My head returned to the here and now due to the cold creeping into my soul from my skin and I looked down to see my hands almost purple; the snow started coming in and we had already had a good three feet already on the ground. I decided it was time to go inside and join my sibling brood, which consisted of only four of us. Mom had made a dinner out of the roast I bought, A delicious french dip sandwich and some "salad ruff-age" to go with it. We ate with a heavy heart but a thankful mind, afterward we cleaned the kitchen and my step brother Ben went to bed and Chandra and Dusty left for the hotel.

I sat at dads side while mom took a shower, he opened his eyes and smiled at me, then opened his arms like he needed a stretch so I bent down to help him and he wrapped me in his arms so tight I could barely breathe, he held me like that for so long. Eventually I heard my mom ask me if dad was okay and I told her that he didn't want to let me go; she looked at him and told me he was sleeping so I tried slipping out of his hug which made him pull tighter. I whispered to him that I was still here and I promised to stay with him a little longer but he needed to let me go so I could breathe, he opened his eyes and looked me in mine and said "promise me!" I said "I promise, promise" he smiled and let go. That exchange was the last hug i ever received from him. And I did not deter from my promise.

Tuesday January 12, 2021 10:43 am

Today we say our last farewells to a man who may have well have been a god among mortal men. Dad has passed into the realm of Heavens light. We love you so much dad. You will be missed.

ESSENCE OF A MORTAL MAN

by: Jessica Taylor

but for my dad Rory Baldwin

It doesn't seem right;

It doesn't seem real;

My chest is tight

At the way I feel.

The heavens expanded

But there's a hole in my heart

I feel stranded

And my mind is torn apart.

I cannot find the words

Or the resonate of my sound

We are parted by worlds

Not just by dimensions, but also galaxies on the ground.

There are so many tears

And not enough words that I can say

I cannot think through the fear

Knowing you could not stay.

You were loved my dearest dad

And still loved you are

You were the best we ever had;

And now your essence is a star.

I hate knowing what I know

And feel I don't know what to do

I wish for one more time to show

Just how much "I LOVE YOU"

You were my rock so sturdy

You were my lullaby song

You helped me to see

And corrected me gently when I was wrong.

You taught that love is always kind

And lie can have harmony and rhyme

To look for good in all I find

And growth comes from patient time.

And though you are away

You will forever live on

For if I keep your lessons day by day

I know you will never really be gone!!!

Nostalgia comes from moments of emotion, the love I have for monetary items is nothing compared to the love I have for my family and friends. Nostalgia of a place is nothing without those I have shared it with. These moments are nostalgia in themselves, these moments are what make nostalgia of places, these moments are precious and the people we share them with are the most important of all.