Respect is Earned, Not Demanded

I used to think that being a parent meant having all the power. That old idea that kids should follow the rules because, well, they're kids and we're the adults.

There were no questions.

No need for explanations.

At the time, it made sense because that's how I was raised.

But as I became a dad, I became more aware that something wasn't quite right with me.

It caught my eye one morning when my youngest spilled juice all over the couch. He froze because he thought I would snap. I did not. I got up, got a towel, and helped him clean up. He looked at me like I had done something magical. I did nothing but stay calm. But that moment was very important to him.

That's when I got it.

It's not possible to make someone respect you, even your own children. Demanding it, telling people what to do, and always playing the "because I said so" card will only teach them fear. Fear may look like respect at first, but it's not really there.

I turned things around when Respect Starts at Home came out

A lot more "please" and "thank you" were said when I talked to my kids.

I asked them what they thought about things that were important to them, like what they wanted to eat for dinner or how they planned to spend the weekend.

When I messed up or spoke too quickly, I said sorry.

It felt weird at first, like I was giving up control. But I was really getting something better.

Respect each other.

I began to notice how they talked to each other. Wait longer. Not so much yelling. I also saw how they treated people when they were not in the house. Kids, friends, and even strangers.

It was a quiet confidence that they had, and I realized it wasn't something I taught them with words. It was something they learned from seeing how I behaved around them.

Kids are people too, not just kids

We forget that our kids are whole people, even though they are in smaller bodies sometimes. There is pride in them, and they know what is right and wrong.

You can do powerful things when you recognize that and treat them like people instead of employees.

They don't listen because they're afraid of what might happen if they don't.

They don't try to hide their problems when they come to you. Not just because you're older, but also because you've shown them what it means to be a kind and honest leader, they start to believe what you say.

Respect doesn't just happen; it's a relationship thing.

People don't respect you just because you pay their bills or have your name on their birth certificate. To earn it, you have to be there for your kids and treat them like they matter.

It's not about being their "friend," either. That's not the point. Getting to a place where both people feel seen and heard is the goal. That way, when you need to set limits, guide, or punish, they won't fight you or get angry. People get it and understand.

What I've Learned Along the Way

One thing I would tell my younger self as a dad is to respect them first. Not when it's convenient or after they've "earned it," but right from the start.

That is how they learn how to treat others with respect.

What do you know? It's not just the home. It shows in how they treat their friends, how they deal with disagreements, and how they plan to start their own families one day.

It's not always simple.

I still make mistakes.

It still makes me antsy.

But I can see the shift every time I pause and pick connection over control.

Maybe the answer to getting your kids to respect you more isn't to yell at them or make the rules more strict. One way to start is to really look at them and ask yourself,

"Would I respect them if I were them?"

Just asking that question changed everything for me.

It might do the same for you.