Remembering June

We were a family full of girls. My mom and dad had 2 daughters. My dad had 2 daughters from a previous relationship. My sisters all had daughters and I had a 3 year-old daughter. My baby boy was going to be the little prince of the family. Everyone was so excited when we found out I was having a boy.

This pregnancy was totally different than my previous one. I had no sickness at all. I was still active and was really happy. I was in a better place financially. I had a great new townhouse. I had a great support circle of friends and family. Although I had broken up with my kids' dad, I realized the relationship was toxic and I was proud of myself for gathering the courage to leave. I felt light and free and hopeful. I had picked out the theme for the nursery: baby Mickey Mouse. The colors were brown and white with diff shades of blue. I couldn't even count the number of little onesies and pajama sets I had waiting for him. I only had 3 weeks left. I thought it was cool that I was due at the end of June because I wouldn’t have to suffer through being pregnant for the whole summer in New Orleans. My baby boy had gotten so big and was constantly moving around in my belly. We would often joke that he was destined to be an athlete because he was clearly in great shape already. It was such an exciting time.....right up until June 3, 2009.

I woke up suddenly around 1am with this feeling that something was wrong. I looked over toward the open doorway and could have sworn I saw a big dark shadow. It made the hairs on my arms stand up and my heart skip a beat. I couldn't go back to sleep after that. After being up for several hours I realized that I hadn't felt the baby move at all which was very unusual. I called my ex and he assured me that everything was ok and I just needed some rest. I still couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. I waited another hour and called my mom. She tried to calm me as well. "Maybe he's just sleepy. It will be ok." At this point my intuition wouldn't let me accept that. She told me that if I wanted to, she would come and pick me up to go to the hospital. I cried all the way there.

By the time we checked in at the hospital I was calm again. They put me in a room and hooked me up to some machines and then did an ultrasound. The nurse left out without a word and came back with another nurse. Neither of them said a word as they worked.

I asked if there was a problem.

They said they were having trouble finding the heartbeat.

My heart stopped....but I managed to ask "are you having trouble because it's hard to find right now or having trouble because there isn't one?"

They hesitated before saying the words that changed my life: "there isn't one."

The next 4 days were a big blur with some clear moments burned into my memory here and there like spots. I remember my mom running into the bathroom and the doctor coming in at some point and explaining that my precious little prince had gotten tangled in the umbilical cord and had strangled as he dropped down into the birth canal. I remember saying it wasn't fair and I didn't understand why this was happening. I remember saying I didn't smoke, I didn't have a single drink, I took my vitamins, I was prepared, I did EVERYTHING I was supposed to! And if God was going to take him away, why not do it when I was 3 weeks pregnant instead of 37?? I remember wondering what this could have been punishment for. Then I remember feeling guilty for questioning God. I remember them telling me that I would have to push Taj out instead of having a ceserian. I remember feeling and expressing that this was the most cruel thing in the world. I remember not wanting anyone in the delivery room with me. I remember them asking if I wanted to hold him and I remember feeling like I needed to. I remember leaving the hospital and feeling completely empty getting in the car with no belly, no car seat, no baby bag, and no baby.

When I got home, my mom and sister immediately ran upstairs and packed all of the baby’s things away into Rubbermaid containers that I couldn’t bring myself to open until almost 5 years later.

It was the absolute worst time in my life. I was stuck in a cycle of drinking and sleeping all day and night. Coworkers and friends were contacting me and I didn’t really want to talk. Some of them even said they came to visit me at the hospital. My sister confirmed it, but I didn’t remember any of those visits.

Eventually I was able to see through the fog enough to realize it was time for me to get my life together again. This was the single hardest thing I had ever had to deal with in my entire life and I needed to figure out how to get through it. I went into a place of trying to find the light in order to get out of the darkness. I thought about my little prince's cute little face with his chubby cheeks and head full of hair. He looked just like his big sister when she was a baby. I thought about what lessons I could learn from this experience.

I started to feel stronger and stronger each day. My abusive ex started coming over more and more and I was able to tell him definitively that I no longer wanted him around unless it was to coparent. I was seeking out the bright spots each day so that I wouldn't focus on the dark. I was seeing my life with a clarity that I never had before. One day my best friend called and told me that she was pregnant. The guy she was seeing at the time didn't want the baby so she was thinking of having an abortion. I asked her how she could feel comfortable doing something like that after being there and seeing everything I had just went through. She decided to keep the baby and it was just the cherry on top that I needed to bring me back into the light.

I decided that I wanted a tattoo to honor Taj, my baby boy. I didn't know what to get and I felt like I wanted someone with some connection to me to do it. I went to my ex's cousin and we talked for a while and he started drawing while I spoke. This beautiful representation of my little angel was the result. Although technically he became an angel on June 3, I was able to meet him and love on him, and release him on June 4. I felt like that was when he truly got his wings and I wanted to always remember him in that way. Even now when I’m dealing with difficult situations I look at my tattoo and remember the hardest thing I ever had to deal with and I remember that I got through it.