Relationships

Relationships

•Walking into a relationship has a lot of pros and cons, Can you take on both?

A relationship is a mystery and challenging at first which is what keeps us intrigued and infatuated with the other person. Obviously the pros would be what attracts you to the person which would be personality traits, motivation, drive and probably opposite of what you are yourself (Opposites usually attract). Obviously your spouse has imperfections, right?! But the imperfections are just as beautiful as the smile they wear on their face.

A relationship usually starts off with a good feeling for awhile then the problems come into play when one has baggage that the other is not sure how to handle. This usually causes a strain on the relationship. Here is where a lot of relationships go wrong. Getting comfortable with your spouse and lacking of what you presented in the beginning of the relationship. Which actually is a automatic broken mutual promise! How? Well it would be the same as going and buying a car from the car lot and the salesman telling you that the car has a really nice stereo system in it and has a warranty for 10 years. You buy the car because of that and a few months later you have made 6 payments of $600, then the whole system crashes and there is no system anymore and there was no warranty to begin with, it was just a line that he told you to get you to buy the vehicle because he saw that you were interested in the product. This would be a compromise in trust early on in the relationship and you will not be returning back to that salesman due to a lack of accurate information. It’s the same in a relationship! If you present that you are a certain way and they fall for that trait then a couple months later you stop doing what ever it is that they fell in love with it’s a automatic breech of trust because you aren’t who you presented yourself as. Well then they start questioning you and it never goes good after trust is lost. This is why we have to be honest about who we are no matter who we are dealing with and how much we are intrigued. If they can’t accept who you are as you, then they aren’t worth your time. So when you present a trait you need to continue to exercise that to keep the relationship alive and healthy and full of trust!

•Loyalty is not in everybody know when to walk away.

Loyalty is not molded into everybody. Just because you put out so much effort does not mean that everybody else will.This is a one sided relationship. You also have to know the difference in somebody that is not giving back and somebody that does not show love the same as you.The mind likes to create alternative feelings, this is like a false alarm of past instincts.

* Knowing the difference in somebody that is not giving back and somebody that shows love in a different way then you do. Some people show love in different ways. There is quiz called 5 love languages online that will help determine your love language. This is a good start to open up with your partner and know how to show them that you love them the way that they accept and see love. Could be the one thing that gets you and your partner past the questioning part. Everybody has a different way of seeing and accepting when somebody is showing love to them.

* Knowing when to walk away

* Sometimes it’s hard for us to just walk away from somebody we have invested so much time in and wanted it to work out. You can not consider this as wasted time though. This was a time of learning not only your self but what you will and will not tolerate from others. People tend to tolerate more from somebody they are in love with. That being said being in love can alter your vision of what is really happening in the relationship. There are a select few people out there that will play off of your emotions in order to benefit. Usually once you realize this you are in really deep and it’s to late. I am a prime example of somebody that fell for a person that played on emotion to get what they wanted ( The whole relationship was manipulative and had a agenda that was not what I had planned.). When we first got together it seemed as if everything was fine and she was cool, we seemed to really click. Over time I started to realize little things here and there that she would use in my life that I cared about to tear me down and belittle me in order to keep my head where she could control the situation. For years I hated myself because I had let her get into my head and tear me completely down and take every ounce of self confidence and worth that I had. Before we got married I was one of the most outgoing and confident person you would have ever met. There was days that I questioned my sanity and thought I was crazy and was contemplating hurting myself. I did not start to realize that I was not the problem for years! I was going down a deep dark hole that.I could not seem to pull myself out of.There was a lot of people in my life that was pointing it out and I denied it. Along the time we were married we always had friends that would live with us. I think that self consciously I wanted to help others because I could not help myself get out of a bad situation. During the last year we were married a few things lead me to the conclusion that she was enabling my depression and self doubt. Reasoning for that was things along the lines of telling me when she did not get her way about something that I had mental problems and everybody sees it or talking me into not staying away from her for to long. Which was a problem for holding a job in my line of work. My motivation was completely gone and I was about to lose everything. Then... A really good friend of mine came to stay with us. We started pulling together side work and making money to start a company. Then one day he pointed out to me that I was not the same person that I was a few months ago ( we was working out of town together then). I asked him what was different about me and his response was you are not the happy, motivated person you was when we was on the road working. At first I blew it off and just thought about it over night. The next day I called my brother to help to go on the road with out my wife’s knowledge. When my brother answered the phone he said “ Buddy you sound a little off are you okay?” I blew off his comment and said yes but when in my mind I was planning my escape. I told nobody at this time my plan. It had been mentioned a few times between me and my buddy but not sure that he believed that I was really planning to leave so it was more of a laugh off from him like what ever. A couple hours after I talked to my brother he returned a phone call stating that he helped me get a contract. I got off the phone with my brother, I then went into the house and told my wife that I was going on the road. Her response was when? I looked at her with no feelings in my eyes and said when we pack the truck and leave in about 45 minutes. My buddy and I packed that truck within a hour. I kissed my kids goodbye got into the truck and as we pulled away from the house I looked over at my buddy and said “ I’m leaving her. That will be the last time we are together as a couple but I have to do this right or I’ll end up in the same situation and stuck with her and miserable. But the problem with leaving her is she is going to play dirty and I can’t tell her until I have a plan because she will take the kids and I won’t be able to see them.” I knew I had to get out due to my feelings of depression, lack of self worth and so many other feelings that had been instilled into my head. Deep down inside years ago I realized that our relationship was not healthy in fact it was toxic to not only us but to our children as well. I knew I had to get away before doing something that would be a bad decision that would have hurt lots of people and left them with more hurt then I had at the time.

* What we should and should not tolerate

* We all have lines that we will not allow to be crossed. It’s normal. What is not normal is drawing a line that is damn near impossible to please you and to where the other person can not live without being left uncomfortable. This is common in relationships now days due to insecurities, trust and communication which we will talk about next. Here’s my perspective on drawing a line which would be rules that you will not allow to be broken as in respect, trust, loyalty. I do not worry about anything in my relationship if it does not cross that line. Once one of these 3 are broken then the relationship is pretty much over and can turn toxic quick depending on the couple. So there for Do not allow disrespect towards you or anybody else that is involved. Once you allow your significant other to disrespect somebody in your circle/family it becomes a issue with family at this point. Once a negative thought from the family is gathered then it’s really hard to come back from that and we all know how family can shun and be quite ridiculous on somethings. But we all know how that can go. I will not allow my significant other to disrespect my family and I won’t disrespect hers. That being said if you have a problem with something their family is doing do not just up and confront it with the family without consent or back up from spouse unless you know what you are up against as it could turn bad and ruin everything because of a falling out with their family. I know what you are thinking what about your other half? Well never let anybody disrespect them point blank. When in a relationship you should know your rolls and know that you are in this together and have each other’s back. Now to my favorite topic Loyalty! Staying true to the ones you care about and love and not taking off because of false advertisement. Meaning not running off because somebody has convinced you that something is better then your spouse and should leave then you find out this was not the truth. Which is why I call it false advertisement. Loyalty is one of many things that makes a relationship. This includes not giving up and running when times get hard, staying and work things out like adults and being able to have a civil conversation without placing blame and making the other person beat them selves up. Also accepting when fault is yours to take and not trying to place it on somebody else.

* Communication with the other person

* Communicating with the other person the relationship is crucial. Communication is not all about words. This involves speaking, actions, and touch. Telling, showing, and touch is all ways of communicating love and acceptance depending on the person.

* Talking- Communication with talking is one of the hardest and can be a make it or break it for the relationship if not careful when expressing ones self. Talking should be in a civil and calm manner with respect. The way that you present your communication skills is the way it will be handled and responded to by your significant other. So if you act like you are the boss then you are probably going to get kick back of a screw you. When talking to your spouse it should never be looked at as a chore or a burden. Also should never use these words “ You need to do” or anything along the lines of telling what to do instead of talking it out as a couple and not being a dictator. A relationship should have a open door policy. Meaning if the man feels that he can’t talk to his woman about their problems without projected criticism and arguments this is the start of a problem that may not be able to come back from. Either of the people in the relationship should be able to openly talk about anything and accept 4 things, Spouses feelings, Spouses thoughts , Spouses wants and Spouses needs. Notice I put spouses in front of all for? This is because it’s theirs and not yours. If your partner is feeling something other then what you think or feel it is okay. You don’t always have to be on the same page with each other everybody has their differences. It is a matter of if you can ignore them or not. Which this goes back to the pros and cons that we talked about earlier.

* Actions- Now you have heard the saying “ Actions speak louder then words.” This maybe true to some but not others. It is your job to talk to your significant other and see which one means the most to them. Always remember this... If you say you are going to do something make sure that it gets done. Nobody wants a bunch of unfulfilled promises. Not fulfilling your promises could damage trust and patience in the relationship. Another part of actions would be daily duties and helping around the house. This... This is one of the things that a lot of men seem to have a problem comprehending. The woman is not the maid of the house. The man is not the only one who should work. Both people in the relationship have equal responsibility in everything. Read that again. Now before you get to thinking that there are somethings meant for women and some meant for men like taking out the garbage... Yes this is true but while that garbage is being hauled off the other half could be cleaning the trash can and putting new bag into can. Little things seem to go along ways around the house.

* Dating- The spark that was there at the beginning of the relationship can stay there. That being said there is a lot of things that can be done to keep a healthy happy relationship. People tend to let life carry them where it takes them and they lose track of what makes the relationship keep ticking. This is when people start to drift apart and not even realize why. So when you first start seeing somebody you are attracted to their outgoing, always wanting to go somewhere, know when to go home or when to party mode. The problem is that everything that you loved about the person you are with is now fading away because getting comfortable because they think will never lose their other half. Getting comfortable with your relationship is the first step of giving up. When saying this I don’t mean by getting to know the other half I mean not trying to make the other person happy as if you just met them. Like when a relationship first begins and both sides do everything they can to make the other person happy. Well once they put a label on the relationship it then becomes a comfortable relationship that will fall apart. This involves lack of dating and spending time with one another due to work life or something stopping you from putting in effort to the relationship. It is the couples that recognize that the little things like date night, cooking dinner for their spouse, showing that they care with a candle light room with massage oil and rose pedals or even so much as stopping and grabbing something you know will put a smile on their face. That is what keeps a happy relationship going. Some advice I’d like to go ahead and put out there is number one rule when in a argument never use the words “It’s over” or “divorce” unless you mean it and it’s completely over and it can’t be fixed these are common seeds that are planted in somebody’s head that will grow into a negative major break up that could have been prevented because nobody wants to be threatened with being left. Naturally it makes a mind go into fight or flight mode and the relationship is now on a sensitive state and it won’t take much to end it.

* Touch- As a man it is very crucial how we show our lady’s love through touch. This would involve a massage because she has had a long day at work or what ever the case maybe, or simply holding her hand rather you are sitting on the couch watching a movie or out walking through the mall. Ladies tend to accept this form of love more often then men. Some men typically do not like to be touched. As for me I was never a real physical lover until recently when I met somebody that I trust cared about. But my girl friend loves to be cuddled and I was never a big fan of it till I met her. Matter a fact I couldn’t stand it and my ex would be really upset that I never want to cuddle her which I was going for. That being said showing your lady a gentle loving touch is a safe and healthy way of keeping a strong relationship.

* Protecting- Your spouse should be your best friend. That being said when something happens and your partner needs protection rather it be just standing up for them in a silly debate or when things are really going down. You should always protect your partner even if they are wrong. Never call out your partners mistakes in front of other this should be discussed behind closed doors and not in front of children either.

* How to know when the other person is a healthy trigger or a negative for you ?

* What is the difference?

* Negative trigger -Something or somebody that sets you off to something that is not exactly right for your life. These people in your life will cause anger, depression, suicidal thought, lashing out and not being who you want to be while around them.

* Healthy trigger- a positive influence that helps you be motivated, inspired, and feel loved. These are the people of things in your life that help everyday and situations easier.

Some personalities are meant to be together and some are not. Some make magical couples and some make toxic relationships that affects everyone around them. A person that can trigger you and influence your life in one way or another can have a lot to do with how easy everyday life is. That being said I’m gonna go over a few things that are red flags for Negative triggers and positive triggers.

Negative- There is always at least one person in our lives that we just can’t stand and everything they say sets us off or just has a negative effect of your life. Being around them either makes your miserable and angry or miserable and depressed,

Positive- There is always somebody in your life that you look up to this would be your positive trigger. Somebody that motivates you, makes you challenge your self and life without hesitation. This person inspires you to be a better person and always has a positive impact on your life and they are your go to person.

That being said in a relationship you should not have to deal with a negative trigger that is making your life miserable to be around. Do not run off the positive triggers in your life due to a selfish reason that could ruin your future. A lot of people think it’s to good to be true to have somebody in their life that will push them to success because this day in time not a lot of people have had this kind of influence in life so they run from it because it seems fake to them. But when loving somebody that is your positive trigger you will both succeed and make it further then most relationships because a positive trigger is a bond that can not be broken.

* The baggage- life is rough we all come with some scars and some show more then others. With those scars people handle them differently. Do you know your spouse and why they respond to certain situations the way they do? What’s going through their head? How has their day been? Does their past have something to do with current life attitude? What can I do to help fix the problem? Knowing your spouse and why they are the way they are and helping them grow is the true and loving way to make a relationship last. The life of a person stuck in their mind is very rough for some and hard to come out of a bad mental state specially when they blame themselves for feeling the way they do without control. All of these questions are things that need to be asked before reacting to a blind ignorant response that will do nothing but harm.... People make mistakes, people are going to have attitude, some times wake up mad at the world for no reason. It is our job as a couple to fix these things between us and make sure that we don’t let a bad day determine how our relationship will go. We should influence each other’s moods when we know the other is having a hard time. When you and your spouse got together you took on the responsibility of helping each other through hard and easy times. When their having a bad moment and snap at you due to stress and it’ not intentional it is your job as a spouse to try to help lighten the load and try to make things a little less stressful. We can’t let one unsympathetic comment from your spouse start a argument over something that could be prevented by asking what’s going on? Or what can I do to help you? Maybe there isn’t something you can always do but the thought of knowing somebody is there to help you make a world of difference. This is what determines “Man Or Boy” Or “ Woman or girl”. This is where maturity comes into play and determines a response by experience or by retaliation. A Woman or a Man will respond to help a situation for the best. A child will respond to get a response of anger that makes no sense.

Understanding your partner- In Order to understand your partner you must think about where they came from and the same for them understanding where you came from and how you grew up. This is going to teach you a lot of how their parents treated them? Disciplined them? This will show you a lot about morals, personality, achievements, hobbies, sexual orientation etc. I could go on for ever here! The point is, in order to really get to know your spouse you have to do some digging to find out why they are the way they are. This could also help you find ways to help them succeed and over come life struggles that they are having hard time getting past.

* So the question is do you really know your spouse? Are you using their past to help them get past their problems? Or have you even tried to dig up their past to really fully understand? Are you using their past against them to make them think they will not become better?

* Do you know your spouse? This is a double edge sword question. Reason being is because who wants to admit that they do not know their spouse as they thought they did. Now wait a minute I know what you are thinking I know what their about to say before they say it! Or I can tell by the look on their face how their feeling! Yes that’s good and all because their is connection between the two of you. But do you know how to properly respond to your partner to get your point across to them when needed and you are not seeing eye to eye? Let’s face it we all have things that we do not always agree on it’s life! But we just agree to disagree and move on! That being said knowing how to respond to your partner is key! This needs to be figured out how to do in order to keep your relationship in tact! If you don’t respond accordingly to your partner you will never be on the same page with each other!

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* Are you using their past to help them get past their problems ? Wow! I know what kind of question is that? Well put it this way I was raised to respond quick without thinking. My mom raised me and my brother pretty much on her own as our dads were out of the picture the majority of the time. This was hard on her obviously. As a single mother she had us on lock down I give her credit!!! We didn’t slip without punishment she made sure we knew we were wrong for our mistakes which consisted of getting yelled at and chased with a belt or what ever was near for her to grab if she was not able to grab us or get us with the belt she would throw things.Hey stop! I know what your thinking. Wow she was violent or physically and verbally abusive! No she did what she could with two crazy ass boys and did everything she could to keep us under a roof and feed us and make sure we grew up as respectful men and I give her my full respect because she made us who we are despite of all of our mistakes and learning along the way. She always made sure to try and steer us in the right direction and it wasn’t us just learning from her she was learning who we were becoming and applying it.We all learned life together with trial and tribulations which has brought us to a relationship that could not be replaced with any other. Oh we went through sometimes where we didn’t speak because of my immaturity and stubbornness and her lack of patience and awareness of us being so similar and not knowing how to help me deal with the anger as she was dealing with hers. I didn’t realize how important my mother was at the time. I believe my brother and I probably saved her life as she has saved ours.She has told us we are her saving grace and don’t know what she would do without us. In my eyes she is amazing and a strong woman that I am proud to call my mother. Don’t get me wrong there were hard times but who doesn’t have hard times. If you tell me you didn’t you are lying to me and yourself because it’s life.We have had our falling outs because we are so much alike and neither of us knew how to handle getting back what we were putting out (Both of us are stubborn). Anyways back to the discipline that I got as a kid. So my mom would make sure we got our punishment but we really didn’t get much explanation, my mom showed love through hard love. So as I was growing up I took a lot of things that happened in the house with anger and so forth way out of context and started fighting for fun because it was the only outlet I had. I would go out looking for trouble.. So my late teenage and early 20’s was really rough anger was my biggest battle. I would flip on a dime. Here’s the thing about the anger. I finally figured out my anger was caused out of self hatred. So for instance if Joe blow came by and gave me a dirty look I would get furious and want to start fighting. Here’s the catcher. I was not mad at Joe blow, I would be mad that I could not control my emotions, it was like a light switch being turned on because he gave me a dirty look I didn’t like. So then I would get outrageously mad and I really could not control it from there so my only outlet was violence. Well then all hell would break loose in my head and I would be into something I didn’t want to be in. All this is because I couldn’t control a feeling. I would hate myself and beat myself up because I was told my whole life to control myself and anger but was never taught properly how to, so when the feeling came on I felt as if I was letting my mom down and would flip my lid cause I couldn’t handle that thought. So my amazing girlfriend has heard all this from me and helped me get through this in my head and some what sort things out to be able to deal with things a certain way. She has taken my past and used it to help me succeed because she has figured out what drives me and she can understand why I am the way I am due to my past.