Reflections on Mother's Day

Thinking on Mother’s Day I know in my heart that my tribute to my mother posted here, says so much about her that I never want to forget. This year I’ve been thinking about my role as a mother.

Being a mother is a strange thing. So many people seem to think that when you become a mother it will all come naturally. Me, I sometimes felt very much out of my comfort zone.

My first daughter was most welcome, she was the only grandchild my mother met but being a mother wasn't always a place I felt comfortable. Our first born lasted half a night in our room. I couldn’t sleep, every snuffle, sniffle, and I became very alert.

So many people were like, ‘Oh aren’t babies wonderful all they do is feed and sleep and cuddle’.

That was not my experience. My baby didn’t want to sleep. She was a power nap princess. Another new mother came around one day and when the kids went down to sleep in her kid's case, nap in mine, she cleaned all the toys up. I was quite confused, my kid is going to be back up soon and messing it all up again, why bother having a tidy section of the floor for half an hour.

I wondered repeatedly why it felt the way it did for me. I loved my munchkin, adored her but worried I was stuffing it up because I didn't do it the way others did. I did it my way, they way I have been taught, by my mother and mothers around me.

As a mother, the doubt I felt with my first newborn never really left. It has been there through these last two decades, peaking its freaking head out every now and then. You try to do right by your kids but I truly believe there are some times we all feel like we've failed in some way. I could be wrong of course, but I'm not sure I am.

When your kids fall off their bike it's 'maybe I should've waited before we tried the little hill'. When they break a bone it's 'maybe I shouldn't have let them do martial arts so young'. When they are bullied or teased, you want to confront and put a stop to it, though that isn't always possible. There are quite simply some things our children have to go through on their own.

I wonder if perhaps we don't always look to the right things by which to measure our success as a parent.

To that end I want to use this mother's day to honour my mother by looking at some of the things she taught me. Her lessons didn't always come in the shape of words, though they undoubtably played a part, significantly she taught by her actions.

She taught me how to have fun, how to make fun in certain circumstances because we didn't have a lot of money. So she was my model for joy.

She taught me the value of friendship - she loved deeply and was always there if someone needed her, or at least it seemed that way when I look back on it.

She modelled faith, and though mine manifests differently to hers she gave me a solid foundations on which to build.

Thing is, I have days when it feels as though I have something of a handle on it all, but then again there are days I feel I don't. Days I feel like a failure, a screw up. Days I rail against stuff and wish for more, or even wish that things were just different.

Even though she wasn't there to help me with my kids, I'd like to think her influence coloured my parenting; her ability to nurture, encourage and guide her children to their best lives. I think though parenting can only put you on the path to that, the journey you must take is your own.

Those darker moments aside, I think I learnt to encourage from her, to know when to guide and when to let my children's choices stand, even as I know the consequences they will face.

We may not have had much of an open house when I was a kid, it's difficult when you factor in the distances living in farming areas, but I am sure her choices allowed me to choose that my place would be a safe place for those who need it. A safe but perhaps a little crazy and chaotic place, for those who need reprieve from their homes.

I don't regret that.

Do I miss her, definitely. So many things I wish she could have been a part of. Especially in my own children's lives.

My mother may not have left me a financial inheritance but I believe the life she lived, gave me an ongoing inheritance that will hopefully trickle down into my own children's lives. A true multi-generational inheritance.

Happy mother's day mum.