Postpartum & I

Nobody tells you how to prepare yourself for the journey to feel like “yourself” again after becoming a new mom and feeling like you have to come back to whoever that self was. Although, I still don’t feel like “myself” or who I thought myself to be, despite COVID-19 & being in the middle of a major civil rights movement, I am finally starting to feel a tiny bit of “normalcy” ONE YEAR since I found out I was pregnant. The most important year of my life.

If you know me on a personal level you know that I was someone who’d say “a baby can’t have a baby” or someone who was maybe living within their ego. It took a long walk in the woods, and many conversations to convince myself that I could do it. I could be a mom. Typing that out, my eyes are filling up with happy tears.

When I was pregnant, I was happy but struggled with the stresses of judgement. If people saw me bartending while pregnant, what would they think? Would they think I’m powerful, or irresponsible? Nevertheless I did it, up until 6 days before I went into labor. It really humbled me, and left me with the truth of how much my life was changing.

I started to shed parts of myself to prepare for what was to come. It left me feeling isolated, especially when Ocean arrived. Now that I have this wonderful miracle of a daughter, who am I? I left behind the things that I thought made me, everything was new and scary.

The day after I came home from the hospital I desperately tried on multiple pairs of my jeans. It sounds simple but it was very complicated. “Okay so, you fit in some of your jeans... you’re back, everything is normal again” is what I thought to myself. I couldn’t be more wrong.

The following weeks I suffered greatly from postpartum depression. So bad that I became humiliated of everything I said, everything I wore, even putting some makeup on I felt like a huge embarrassment. A clown. A terrible mom. I called myself every self deprecating thing I could think of. I was afraid to hold Ocean most of the time because she was so small, and I wasn’t confident in my ability to handle her. I cried everyday. I didn’t want to see anyone, family or friends. The worst part about it all, I couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone including the person I share my life with.

And then it got better.

I started opening up more. Every day a little different. Ups and downs. Long walks. Milestones. Ocean smiled. Ocean laughed. Ocean started cooing. Ocean holds her head up. Ocean grabbed her toy. I started to see the beauty of the hard work of being a mom. I fell into a positive routine. I started looking forward to the days instead of fearing them. I had conquered breastfeeding. I spent a day away from her (something that was really scary for me). And although things are still scary, I started to develop more confidence in raising her. But more importantly, I accepted the fact that there was no “normal” to return to. From here on out, my life was going to be as new as hers, and that is way more beautiful than anything I have ever experienced before.