Overcoming Loss

I was born in 1981 to a young couple aged 16 and 17, three years later in 1984 my younger sister Mandy was born. When mandy was coming up for her 6th Birthday she began having headaches that became more frequent and more painful. One night we were awoken by a blood curdling scream it was Mandy. We all got up to see what was wrong, she was rolling around in her bed clutching her head complaining of severe pain. Mandy was given Calpol and a warm towel to wrap around her head, she eventually fell back to sleep. The following morning my mum made an emergency appointment at our GP and Mandy was seen, the GP said she has a head cold and that my mum was to give her plenty fluids and rest. My mum was not happy with this advice her gut told her to take my sister to the Accident and Emergency department at the hospital, so she did. When we arrived my mum was asked a number of questions and then we were seated, we were soon called and once the doctor had examined Mandy he wanted to send her for a scan to ensure nothing was going on inside her brain. It was an emergency scan so it was done quite quickly, we were then asked to take a seat and we would be called again once the consultant had gone over her scan. The time came when we were called back, once seated the Consultant turned his chair, took his glasses off and gave a sigh he said "I am very sorry to break this to you but I am afraid your daughter has a brain tumour the size of a small orange located on her brain stem" my mum looked at him with wide eyes he then said "this type of cancer is not operatable im afraid she is terminally ill" he then went on to say that with chemotherapy and radiotherapy it will prolong her life a little and slow the growth of the tumour but thats it. We were given a card and were told to head straight for Edinburgh to the Royal Hospital for Sick Children so Mandy could start her treatment. My mum dropped me off at my Aunts and she headed to the hospital with Mandy. As a young kid myself I was confused at what had just happened but when it was finally explained to me in terms I understood my heart sank. I asked if she would be okay to be told probably not and that it was important I was strong and be there for my sister, I intended to do just that. Mandy was in hopsital for 6 months and my mum and dad would take turns to be there with her, I was allowed to stay on the weekends when I was not at school. My sister looked pail, her long blonde hair was falling out due to the cancer treatment and she was constantly throwing up and felt tired. It saddened me to see my sister this way but I shed my tears when I was alone so she didnt see how upset I was. I looked forward to my visits with Mandy she would always cheer me up and I had the same affect on her. Mandy had her 6th Birthday in the hospital and I must admit they did a very good job holding her a birthday party, some of the kids in the ward also attended it was nice. After 6 months Mandy was allowed home for a month and then she went back in for 2 months and it was like this until Mandy was almost 7 years old. I looked forward to her coming home she always gave me a big hug and a big smile no matter how frail or unwell she was. She had gained a lot of weight due to the steroids she was taking, 11 medicines she took 4 times per day a lot for a small child and she would always complain that they tasted yucky but she took them regardless. When mandy was in doing one of her hospital stays I was told that she was coming home for good, what they meant though was she was coming home to die. We got baloons and banners, cake, sweets, everything that Mandy loved was waiting on her walking through the door. The time came when she arrived I ran outside to greet her but rather than the smile I was used to I was met with a little girl who barely had the energy to walk up the stairs, she wasnt interested in any of the stuff laid out for her she just wanted to go to her bedroom and lie in her bed, we lay there all day me and her just watching her favourite Walt Disney movies and eating cheese and onion crisp as those were her favourite. Mandy's 7th Birthday was approaching and she wanted a pretty dress so one of my Aunts friends came and measured her and made her, her own pretty dress that she designed herself. December came and Mandy was getting iller by the day, on her birthday the 18th December she had no energy to open presents it took her a week to open everything but even at that she had no interest in playing with them despite encouragement from me. My sister was dying and there was nothing I could do about it, Christmas came and went she didnt open any of her presents she just didnt have the energy. On the 5th of January she took her last breath she had just turned 7 and I was 10 at the time, I was distraught inconsolable I just cried and cried and cried. All her christmas presents were stacked neatly at her feet in her small white coffin, I couldnt believe she was gone. The day of her funeral came and the whole town were at their front doors and gathered in the streets of our town to pay their respects. The whole town was in mourning of this special little girl, the cemetry was so full packed I had never seen as many people in the place before. The whole family had a red rose to throw in as she was being lowered this was too much for me to bare and I tried to jump in after her, my father took hold of me and just cuddled me and cried, I had never felt a pain like it I was alone and she was gone. After the funeral we all went back to my house and people came and payed their respects, I lay on my bed and cried hard into the teddy my sister gave me before she passed, she knew im positive of that she knew she was dying.

I never got over Mandy's death even now as I write this at 39 years old I am in floods of tears, I miss her so much but find solace in her teddy I still have and the thought she is no longer sufferring. It was during Mandy's cancer battle I decided I wanted to be a nurse when I grew up and that is exactly what I did in her honour. I have had the privilidge to nurse many cancer patients at end of life, it made me into a more compassionate empathetic human being and I thank Mandy for that. I never in a million years thought I would have to go through that again but it happened again when I was aged 13, three years after Mandy passing Megan my baby sister of 10 months died of cot death. Life just isnt fair is it, to loose 2 siblings is hard enough but to watch my mother loose 2 children cut deep, it destroyed her so much so she is now a heroin addict and has been for years. I might tell Megans story one day but Mandy's is enough for now. I hope all who read this have a blessed life and make every day count because sometimes you just dont know if it will be the last.