Open When I'm Gone

My maiden name is Fontana Rivera, but my grandma calls me Fawn. I was fifteen and just starting to really see who I wanted to become. I was excited to begin my life after high school and see where the open world would take me; however, I never expected my life to have a grim turn in Spring.

My grandma moved me to a beautiful city named Ocean Springs in Mississippi. It was just us two now. She took me in when my family passed away; I consider her to be my greatest supporter, my rock. We didn’t talk too much about my parents because it was still painful to remember. Grandma had a way to help cope, she always wrote her thoughts and feelings in her little black book.

That same summer after the crash, my grandma and I went to the coast to spread my parents’ ashes. We found so much beauty on the beach, it stretched far and wide and seemed to never end. It was refreshingly breathtaking, yet it was like I could finally breathe again after what seemed like a lifetime. My grandma felt the same way and we never wanted to leave the serene mist that seemed to wash away our grief.

Later that day we saw two gorgeous white birds with blue and black on their wings fly around, almost like it was my parents checking on us one last time. They flew high above, free and unhindered. I thought of it as a sign that my parents were always together, even in their last moments of life, never scared but free. That experience brought a smile to my face, something I hadn’t done in several months. It was the perfect way to spread their ashes.

Only a few days had passed before we trekked over to New Orleans, as it was only about an hour and a half away. My birthday had come up and grandma decided to take me to see the beauty of the city. Believe me when I say that the shops in New Orleans could take you back in time. My heart just swelled from everything this city had to offer, my favorite place was the Audubon Nature Institute. This is where I fell in love with the Arts.

It was the best summer of my life, a huge part because I met my best friend Elias. I remember that day so clearly, still going to the Audubon Nature Institute and looking at those birds, the Swallow-Tail Kite. They’re very beautiful, so I sat across from them constantly drawing their beauty. I had secluded myself in a corner, taking in everything they had to offer. That's when I heard a giggle of sorts; I ignored him at first but it didn’t seem to help because he walked up to me and introduced himself.

“Hey there, I’m Elias. What are you doing over here?” he asked.

“I’m drawing the Swallow-Tail Kites,” I said.

He was an employee there. A nice one at that. He even let me know that I had charcoal on my face. When I came back from cleaning my face, Elias was looking at my sketches.

“Do you think they’re good?” I asked, hoping that I wasn’t wasting my time drawing.

“Yes, they’re some of the best drawings I’ve seen,” he said surprisingly, “Where did you learn how to draw this good?”

“I just felt inspired by the birds,” I explained, “They’re beautiful.”

Elias let me know that they were closing up soon, which made me panic a bit, as I was worried grandma would be wondering where I was. We said our goodbyes and I continued on home; after all, that wasn’t the last time we saw each other. Elias and I became best friends very quickly and were inseparable all summer long. It made it easier on our friendship since our grandmas would have tea together quite often.

After that summer, Even though Elias and I didn’t live in the same state, we stayed in contact via letters and occasional calls. I loved the fact that I found someone that loved the old style of messaging long distances, there just seems to be something therapeutic about it. There were times we would get together and hang out if either of us traveled to each other's city.

I was sixteen when I first met Elias, and after nine years of the best friendship I could’ve wished for, I felt the need to slowly start focusing on my grandma more than before. It soon became only the occasional call because grandma was getting sick more often in her old age, and I wanted to be there for her like she was for me.

When grandma started to get sick more frequently, I wanted to be the one who took care of her. She always told me to let others do it, but she understood how stubborn I could be about her. I dropped out of college and quit my jobs; I didn’t necessarily need to work anyway because my grandma was wealthy, but I wanted to be able to be a part of society. Grandma started to get worse every day, and I started to feel helpless, suffocated by my inability to do something about her health. I started to bring in doctors and caregivers to help when her health worsened, and the only thing that got me through it all was that I knew I could always call Elias.

Only a few months had passed before the doctors told me that she would be passing soon. Even though I’ve known for a while, it didn’t quite hit me until they said it. My heart sank and I felt breathless, lightheaded even. I was a mess. I continued to sit there day after day, hour after hour, making sure she was never alone. Always cradling her hands.

“Fawn, is that you?” she asked as she squeezed my hand.

“Yes Grandma, it’s me.” I said, “do you need anything?”

“I need my little black book...can you hand it to me?”

I grabbed her book from the nightstand and gave it to her.

“Here it is Grandma.”

“Fawn,” she said softly putting the book in my hand, “I need you to have this.”

“Why Grandma?” I asked.

“Fawn, I’m sorry I took so much time from you. It wasn’t fair;” she said.

“Grandma. You are my everything,” I said tearing up, “you gave me more than I could’ve asked for. You helped me smile again and were always there for me...I love you so much Grandma. To the moon and back.” The tears were rushing down my cheeks now.

She just smiled at me with twinkling eyes. “I love you to the moon and back my beautiful Fawn.”

I cuddled her in bed and sang her the lullaby that she used to sing me after the crash. She had lived a long and fruitful life. She was my role model for what I’d hope to become. So caring, so loving, so compassionate. She was everything to me and more. It was hard to feel her pass in my arms. She died at seventy-nine.

Over the next few days, the room started to clear out. No longer was there her smell of honey lavender. The scent I referred to as home. She left a lot behind but it seemed so empty without her here. Her last breaths as I sang to her were still fresh in my mind. I hadn’t even opened the little black book yet, even though it said ‘Open When I’m Gone’ on the front. I just couldn’t bring myself to read it yet.

Frank, Grandma’s lawyer, and old friend, came in to help with her estate, will, and any last wishes that she had told him about.

“Hey, Frank. I just wanted to check if everything was getting taken care of?”I asked.

“Yes, everything is going smoothly. Your grandma told me to tell you to let me handle everything,” he gestured, “she knew how you could get.”

“I know. It's just really hard. It feels so empty in this world without her.”

“She wanted me to make sure you read the little black book,” he exclaimed, “it was one of the last things she told me.”

“No. The past couple of weeks have been…” I paused, “I'll read it later today.”

“Okay good,” he said.

Frank and I were discussing her will and last wishes when I saw Elias come through the door. I was in shock, dumbfounded, to say the least. He swallowed me in his arms as I teared up.

“What are you doing here?” I asked

“Emma,” he briefly paused, “sorry, your grandma wants Elias to be here to help you through this time.” Frank said, “to help you spread her ashes.”

I nodded in agreeance as Elias held my hand, squeezing in reassurance. Frank and I continued to go over everything.

“She gave you everything in her will Fontana,” Frank said, “but she wanted you to live your own dreams. She had one stipulation that you and Elias take her ashes and spread them where you spread your parents’ ashes years ago. She wrote you a check for twenty thousand dollars to take care of the trip in full.”

“Why so much?” I surprisingly asked. I always knew grandma was wealthy but I never really questioned it.

“She wanted you to take time and figure out what direction you wanted to take in life. That the rest of everything she left you would be here when you got back,” Frank explained as he was checking items off his list.

Frank, Elias, and I continued to talk for several hours until Frank left later that night. Elias and I stayed chatting and catching up for several hours beyond that before I was finally sitting down in the library after Elias went to sleep. I had decided to read her little black book, but flipping it open felt like a thousand pounds were weighted on top.

I started reading:

“To my Fawn,

Thank you for being my light when your mother passed. You don’t know how much you were a saving grace for me. You kept me grounded when I felt all hope was lost. I can only imagine that my last years have been a struggle for you and for that I’m sorry. I know it's ok. I know you’ll be okay as long as you open your heart. Elias has been there for you for years. I apologize for taking time away from your love life. So please, as one of my last wishes, give the time to yourself that I know you gave me these last years. No more secluding yourself. Go follow your own path.”

I looked up with tears in my eyes as I envisioned her sitting in her little nook. She would stay there for hours, reading and writing, drinking her honey lavender tea to her heart's content. I could feel my heart squeeze with love; my grandma was my role model, my everything. And for a brief moment in time, it was as if she was there again. I could see her smile; and once again, it smelt like home.