Only children who "sing the opposite tune" can really grow up (with communication skills)

What if children always like to sing a different tune?

A mother in Jiangsu Province, who did not want to clean up her desk after her online class, threw her books all over the room and asked her child to "stop the loss in time".

But the child sings a different tune, and plausible: I am only in the second grade, some words do not understand! But I know that bamboo shoots can be eaten!

It is a question whether the child really does not understand, or whether he is deliberately angry with his parents.

On the way to raising a child, you can always hear parents complain and talk to their children about the east, but he has to face west.

Why do children always sing a different tune?

Singing a different tune, the internal driving force of a child's growth

There is a famous "white bear experiment" in psychology.

Psychologists gave participants a task: don't think about a polar bear.

As a result, the subjects quickly came up with the image of a white bear, and kept thinking about the white bear for the next few minutes.

The more you ask not to think about it, the more the white bear lingers in your mind.

The White Bear experiment tells us that excessive prohibition of behavior is sometimes a reminder that the brain is just thinking!

It is easy to understand that the more parents ask their children to play with their mobile phones, and to do their homework quickly, the more dillydallying their children will be.

The more the wife asks her husband to go home to do housework and take care of the children, the more the husband pretends to be deaf and dumb.

In the eyes of children and husbands, "being asked" is also a kind of dignified oppression. Only by "acting against each other" and "singing a different tune" can we reflect our sense of existence and experience the joy of autonomy.

This also means that everyone has self-will, do not want to be controlled, is human instinct.

Before the age of 3, children rely on their parents, and parents control their children, forming a balance between dependence and control.

With the improvement of children's cognition, speech and action, children have the internal drive of self-development, and parents also feel the "crisis".

When children use "singing a different tune" to resist the control of their parents, they are trying to maintain their self-awareness and master the independent right of activities.

Instead of threatening their children to "don't accept toys, don't eat fruit", parents might as well guide them like this: "if you want to eat fruit, put your toys away first."

Instead of saying, "Don't go out to play until you finish your homework", instead of "finish your homework today, let's play together for a while."

Parents avoid saying words such as "no" and "don't" to reduce their children's desire to "sing a different tune".

Singing a different tune is the outlet of a child's emotion.

Of course, not all naysayers are the need for growth, and sometimes it's just the feeling of the child.

There is a post on Zhihu: why do you still do it when you know your parents will be sad?

A netizen has profound experience.

For the child, he just insisted on the right thing. Especially when he wants to accomplish something on his own, his parents' intervention is to tell him what to do.

But even if they fail later, they have to argue unreasonably in order to defend their dignity, not to mention the parents' moralizing attitude, which is too infuriating.

In fact, all the arguments are based on our over-belief in "I am right and you are wrong", both parents and children.

However, teenagers have the cognitive characteristics of "unique self". They regard self-experience as the center of the world and do not understand that people feel different and have different views.

When parents and children disagree, for children, it is the war of the Declaration of Independence.

For the sake of freedom and sovereignty, singing a different tune is the only thing they can do.

A mother once complained that the clever and sensible boss had gone bad since she gave birth to the second child.

When she coaxed the second child to sleep, the boss yelled on purpose.

No matter how she reprimanded, the boss just smiled.

Because, in the child's perception, when the mother does not care enough about him and creates chaos, he can get attention, and singing a different tune is just an expression of the child's desire.

Once the child tastes the sweetness of "singing a different tune", the child who yearns for attention and recognition is very bitter.

Another netizen said: 'for some reason, the greater the pressure at work, the more I want to support my parents when I go home.

A person's experience of frustration will lead to a sharp decline in self-esteem and sense of self-worth. In order to hinder this painful feeling, weak children will choose strong emotional experiences such as "singing a different tune" to gain a sense of strength.

If parents are keenly aware of their children's calls for help, we can ignore the "offense" and actively help our children regain their self-confidence.

Such as playing ball, running, swimming, are good ways of emotional regulation, children in sports, can also recognize what is a positive emotional expression.

And parents and children "together", this natural emotional connection, itself is the most healing power.

I am most afraid of parents and fall into their children's "emotional trap".

CCTV once broadcast a documentary "Mirror".

In the film, there is a child named Jia Ming.

When he wants to play, his father will say: the most important thing for you now is to study.

When he plays football, his father will criticize: how much have you fallen behind?

When he wanted to apply for his favorite major, his father directly denied: the prospect is not good, like it is not good, must listen to me.

From the father's point of view, he is just teaching his children the truth of life, hoping that his life will be better than his own.

But for Jiaming, this kind of "for your own good" is invisible manipulation.

In order to be independent and free, he chose to work against him, and the more his parents wanted him to do something, the more he refused to do it.

Finally, he didn't even go to high school, dropped out of school at home, made trouble, and even hurt himself.

In a determined way, he strives for the dominance of life and refuses to live the life arranged by his parents.

But unfortunately, the seesaw of all this was regarded by my father as a "rebellion".

The father did not see the child's desire, but only saw a rebellious son, which made his life desperate.

If we often fall into each other's emotional trap during parent-child conflicts, then this parent-child relationship is destined to become enemies.

A little worried, just hypothetical.

Why can't parents tolerate their children singing a different tune?

In the counseling room, a father confided his heart.

Counselor: why do children have to be obedient

Father: to make him obedient is to prevent him from going forward. Suffer a loss.

Consultant: does this have to happen?

The father hesitated: there are no children who make their own decisions.

Because he took a path arranged by his parents, he was educated in this way, and he was familiar with this road, so the father should also pave the way for his children.

Must it be dangerous to go the other way?

Danger is nothing more than a father's fear of an unplanned life and a lack of control.

There is a word in psychology called "catastrophic thinking". It has a familiar sentence pattern: in case. What to do

Presuppose the things that have not happened in your mind, and then imagine the worst.

Its harm is that it is easy to overreact emotionally, and people will not look at things peacefully in an irrational state.

In fact, children's "singing a different tune" at the moment is not a qualitative change in the future.

Children grow up slowly, and their emotional manage