once a week

I recently started taking time to myself once a week. Originally I thought I needed to be able to have time away from my kids and my husband. Which are all very valid, but what I didn't actually understands how badly I needed the opportunity to be in my own brain. I don't think I recognized how much I don't take time to think for myself or even genuinely ask what I want because often it doesn't matter and I don't mean that in some sort of a self-pity type of way but more so in a way out of I don't actually have an opinion on a lot of things.

For example, I don't actually care what we eat as long as it's within the realm of things I enjoy eating. I can usually find myself a plate to eat at any restaurant and even if it's not that great, i'll eat it chalk it up in my brain as the place I probably won't go in order that thing again. But I'm sure there's plenty of other things on the menu so if somebody else adjust that that's a restaurant they want to go to I will try something different.

So here I am sitting at the library which I've done for the last almost 5 hours and I still have no idea what I like, or when I want to do with my life or even if I actually enjoy writing.

I'm fully aware of the expectation on moms, Pinterest style almost, but I've never really been that kind of mom. So I've been working on a journey to figure out what kind of mom I am but also what kind of human I am.

Have you ever asked yourself these questions? What what would I actually like? How do I actually want my life to play out? Honestly, I don't really know and I kind of don't care outside of the fact that I feel like I'm supposed to care or feel like I need some kind of purpose outside of being a mom and I know there's plenty of people that say that you don't need a purpose outside of being mom "mom" can be your purpose. Which actually agree with.

I have lived in the same bubble my whole life and for the first time, I have the world at my fingertips. I am incredibly supportive people shouting 'you can do it, you can be anything", which I sincerely appreciate. But do what? I do appreciate it but there's so many people to believe that I can do and be anything I want to be or do but how do you get to that point of understanding what it is that you actually want to do do you just wake up one day and you're like this is it this is what I wanna do or is it a series of events in situations that have led you to care about things that you may not have naturally cared about outside of your experience with them and now you are evaluating all those experiences.

Do all of our life experiences add up to one purpose? Or is there something bigger something more, like all of our purposes mixing together to build one giant super purpose and what would that be?

There's a part of me that wants my purpose on this earth to be doing what I can to make the earth a better place, and to make other people feel loved, there's enough BS in the world that I don't want to add to it, and I even go as far to say as I'd like to see less of it but I'm learning that I don't really know if that's actually possible.