Not perfect but 100% right

This is what every one talks about when someone or yourself is expecting a baby, this moment is the moment you realize what you have been given. You see how lucky you are and all that pain and months of struggle and worry and excitement does not matter. I will admit this moment more than 6 years ago now is a bit of a daze and not because of any medications, I had a all natural and no pain relief birth. It was because I was so overwhelmed that for the first 5 mins of holding her I forgot where I even was. It was when the nurse took hold of her and took her away from me that I snapped out of that daze. I instantly attempted to pull myself up, I wanted my baby back. They pushed me back down and told me She will be fine and back later, but now I had to rest and wash.

It seemed like forever but in fact it was only half and hour till they brought her back to me. I greedily reached out for her ignoring how weak and painful it all felt. I calmed myself knowing they had some thing important to say about her. Its always a crushing feeling when you have a nurse sat on the side of the bed and a doctor staring clutching documents. You see I was very lucky to be spotted half way through my pregnancy that I had group strep B, which had a potential of her getting life threatening conditions. I hoped with the last will I had in me that they were going to say the medication will work and prevent her from developing anything. Instead the doctor said I was going to be fine and even though I lost to much blood I was recovering well enough not to have a blood transfusion. Then he left.

It was now passed over to the nurse smiling at me to assist me to a room as we had to stay in for 5 days. The next few hours was harder than the birth in my opinion, I was unbelievably weak and tired. But no matter how much encouragement the nurse gave to sleep I just could not, I was afraid if I closed my eyes she would be gone. I prompted the nurse to tell me what was the results when they examined her, I was not accepting the brush offs. Finally later in the night she gave in and explained that they have found nothing wrong with my baby and she was going to be perfectly fine. I cried and cried and cried for hours with relief. My baby was healthy and she was going to come home with me and this was only the start to our journey.

This point in my life I now realize I am Autistic and it turned out after years of struggling with my daughter she was too. I only found out last year and my daughter was diagnosed at age 3. Before that diagnosis it felt like hell and I hate saying that but it was. She slept for only a few hours at night, she had moments of spontaneous aggressiveness and at times screamed for hours and I could not settle her. My confidence was shot and I judged by multiple people for not doing the right things because nothing seemed to work. The day she was diagnosed was enlightening to say the least, I finally got answers to why it was so hard and why nothing worked. I could finally stop believing I could not be a parent she deserves, and start learning to be what I can.

'There is no such thing as a perfect parent, just be a real one' - Sue Atkins

Over the last 3 years I have learned so much from my daughter and from myself. I learned things I would never have if I never got a diagnosis for her, it was like I found a whole to new way of life. Finally a world I was not alone and every thing seemed to make sense and I was not a bad person. I met and learned from people who felt the same before there diagnosis's and got help on how to support my kid. I kept going and learning even in the darkest of times because I knew I had to succeed for her, I have to try and show her this new world and that its not a bad one. It later inspired me to help others who may feel the same way or are stuck in where to start, so I created a my own blog website. Where I share tips and our journey and encourage others to share as well, pretty much create a supporting community so no parent has to go through feeling lost or bad. That is the summary of me and the best thing that happened to me, my imperfectly perfect and 100% right in every way..... Angelica.