Nobody Tells You How Hard It Is To Be A Good Stepmom

For some reason, I know that I was meant to be a stepmom. But it didn’t always feel like this, it took time, practice and a lot of effort to learn how to be a stepparent.

From the very beginning, dating my husband was a package deal: he came with a child. I accepted that as part of our relationship and fell in love with the child.

But no one prepares you to be a step-parent. It is not a life skill that you nurture from a young age or are taught at school. Nor is it instinctive.

There are certain things I would love if someone told me when I embarked on this rollercoaster journey of becoming a stepparent. Here they are.

It is okay to take it slow...

Naturally, there were times where my partner would dote on his child and the two of them would enjoy reminiscing about memories they shared, pictures and videos. Their behaviour is innocent but it made me feel like an “outsider”. Often I felt isolated as if there is a family unit in my home but I am not a member.

In order to ensure my role within a family, I stepped all in — taking parenting duties and playing the game of the catch up with time. At the time it was exhausting and it didn’t deliver the results I was expecting.

I realised that the bonding between me and my stepchild will take time and so will my adjusting to becoming a stepparent. I opened up to my spouse and asked him to help alleviate some of the expectations around it.

The bonding between you and your stepchild will not happen as fast as you would want to. Do not anticipate instant love. This journey will be slow. Be patient.

When it arrives though — it will be worth the wait.

You Should Let The Children Lead!

The moment I became a stepparent my self-esteem was put to the ultimate test. The times when my stepchild ignored me or didn’t listen to me were the times where I thought that I am doing this stepparenting wrong.

But there is no right or wrong way around stepparenting. As a stepparent, I can have various roles in my household. Some days I am the leading lady. Some days a stagehand. And on the gloomy days, I am not in the scene at all.

After all, there are no law anchoring stepparents to their stepchildren. Kids could be gone at any moment. If your partner leaves you, so would the kids. In an instant, you could lose your whole family.

Therefore I learned to step back and let the child take lead in developing the dynamic. Reaching out and spending time with them, talking with them, and doing things with them is absolutely important, but make sure you continue to check in with both the children and your partner to make sure that your relationship is growing in a way that is comfortable for all parties and isn’t feeling forced to the kids.

Children in stepfamilies can often feel a strong loyalty to their family of origin and will automatically protect those relationships over others if they feel threatened. Making it abundantly clear that you are in no way trying to replace will go a long way in allowing that bond to slowly grow and build over time.

Learning to be a stepparent is very different from being a parent. Enjoy the freedom of not needing to discipline or parent your stepkids. That’s what their parents are here for!

You Must Set Boundaries Early!

As with any family or relationship, it’s essential to put clear boundaries into place as soon as possible to avoid confusion and struggle. This does not mean just placing boundaries with you and your spouse’s ex-partners but also within your relationship and even in regards to the children.

A great way for you and everyone else to feel unhappy and uncomfortable in your new family dynamic is to immediately jump in and take over tasks and activities that were once your partner’s domain.

It can be tempting, for example, for someone naive who has just gotten married to start helping up with pickups and drop off, or getting children ready for school in the mornings, or to begin coordinating play dates and school schedules. But don’t do that.

Put boundaries in place immediately so that it’s clear to everyone where you may be stepping in more and where you’re going to give and take space.

Please remember you are not the dad or mom. Allow yourself the freedom of not being the parent and become rather the behind-the-scenes supporter of your partner’s parenting.

Once you establish a steady relationship with your stepchild, you can become an essential contribution to its life. Realize that your relationship is one of a kind. It is unique and presents so many opportunities for you to create something special.

You are the next most important person in this child’s life. Work on it. You are you. You will do things and know things that the biological parent doesn’t know or do. You will have your own little dynamic that is special and unique to you two. Appreciate the small things: every little gesture. Make sure you don’t overlook them.

I’ve never tried to “replace” my stepchild biological parents. We spend time doing fun things and even picking each other clothes. I remember when she looked at me and said “You look so beautiful”. It was the best compliment I have ever received because it came from a 9-year-old child.

It was honest, innocent and it made me cry.

You are going to make a lot of mistakes. Lots. Forgive yourself. Over and over and over again. And move on. And make more mistakes. That’s life and that’s completely okay.

You will have times when you will doubt yourself as a stepparent. And that’s okay too, but never doubt your relationship with your kids. Because you make a hell of a difference and one day your stepchild will thank you.

Thank you for reading.

This article was originally published by me here.