Nights in the Hospital

I wasn’t prepared to see Dean, my brother, in a hospital gown with wires going through his sleeves and needles in his arms. He couldn’t bare to feel what he was feeling, the stress, the anxiety, the depression. He wanted it to stop. I judged him. Why would he do this to himself? What provoked him to do this? I thought the worst of my brother when I first saw him. I had many different emotions and I had so many questions. This was a traumatic experience not only for me but for my family as well. I walked out of the hospital with a new perspective of my brother, my family, friends, and everyone else who I’ve encountered.

A week before summer ended and junior year started, Dean was admitted into the intensive care unit at midnight. In the morning, I was told that my brother was under a massive amount of stress and anxiety and took too much of his medicine. This happened once before four years ago. I wasn’t told what was going on at that time. A few years later, my mom finally shared what had happened and now it was occurring all over again. This time it was more critical.

I walked into the hospital with my mom and sister. The aroma of coffee filled the lobby. We entered the elevators and once we got upstairs, all I could smell was bleach, the distinct smell of sanitation. Nurses sat in a round desk placed in the middle of the ICU hall. Some were working on computers, others ran back and forth dropping papers off or running from room to room.

I still remember where my brother’s room was. Third floor, down the hall from the elevators turn left, then an immediate right. Down another hall first opening on the left, double doors read “INTENSIVE CARE UNIT, PERMITTED PERSONNEL ONLY BEYOND THIS POINT.” A red phone hung on the wall by the doors. We would have to pick up the phone and say “We are here to see Dean --------.” The nurses would press a button at the desk that unlocked the double doors for us to come in. Once we were through, we’d take another right. Two doors down was where my brother stayed.

When I saw him, I couldn’t help but cry. Dean was barely conscious. My mom and my sister said that he would be okay, though it seemed to me like he was dying. My mom asked him if he wanted to see me. He couldn’t speak, but he nodded his head. He motioned me towards him and stretched out his arms. He was holding me and he began to cry and said “I’m sorry” and “I love you” over and over. He held onto me tight for what seemed like hours. The warmth from his chest surrounded the side of my face.

Before I left for the night, I asked Dean if I could bring him anything. He was still loopy yet he could somewhat speak. He said that he wanted to play Zelda, so I planned on bringing my Nintendo for him to play. He held out his hand with his thumb and middle finger pressed together and repeatedly flicked his ring finger. I knew he wanted a fidget spinner. I had to buy a new one and he was so happy when I brought it to him the next day. It was one of the few times I saw him smile.

I remember sitting on the left side of his bed, playing Zelda. My brother was half asleep and he suddenly woke up. He didn’t say anything but he pointed at the trashcan and then frantically shooed me away. I was frozen and didn’t know what to do. My brother threw up in front of me and I was the only one in the room besides the nurse. The nurse immediately started to clean up and I ran out and found my mom and my sister in the hall. It didn't mean anything bad, yet it happened so abruptly I was scared. I was crying and I could barely tell them what had happened.

I didn’t speak of what happened to my brother for weeks, I only told one person, my closest friend. He was the only person I trusted and that I knew wouldn’t tell anyone. My sister comforted me and my mom and dad would constantly ask how I was doing. This was a time where I felt hopeless and at my weakest. I couldn’t bear to live without my brother and I was so scared that he’d be gone. I was scared but my friend and family kept me calm.

This whole experience made me realize how important my family and friends are to me. Although I may not express it enough, I love them. So much was running through my mind and I didn’t know what to think. After a few weeks I realized how different everything was for me. I was more aware and prudent towards other people. I was more distant, quiet, forbearing, and listless. Although it seems like this experience had a negative impact, it taught me a lot about my family and my views on other people. I saw my brother as a perfect human being because from what I saw, he had no flaws. I was blind to his problems and his battle. Though, I got to know Dean a lot more after what had happened. We spent more time together, I spent nights at his apartment. I showed interest and supported my brother and his band. I know him better now than I ever did before, I stopped judging him and learned the reasons behind his actions. This incident with my brother made me realize that people make jurassic decisions because of how much they are hurting. I would never want my brother or anyone to go through what he experienced or feel what I felt.