My Sister’s Gift

I stood in front of the bathroom mirror and smoothed down my dress. A month ago, I had stood in this same exact spot, praying for something life changing to happen to me. I wished that for once in my life, something extraordinary would happen. I didn't care whether it was a cash prize or a new career, but I needed something to break up the monotony.

Then, unexpectedly, something life changing actually happened. It wasn't "I won a million dollars" life changing or anything remotely close. It was life changing in the way that it stopped the world from spinning. Everything was fine until suddenly it wasn't. It took one moment for my entire life to change. It seemed like an eternity had passed, but in reality, it had only been a week.

One short, but seemingly endless week since my younger sister Hayley died.

Today was my first day back to work and my anxiety was eating me alive. The funeral had only been two day ago, so my emotions were still out of whack. Unfortunately, I was a manager and my coworkers expected me to return to work, even if I wasn't ready. Ultimately, they didn't care, and I wasn't sure I'd ever really be ready.

I finished getting my things together while the worst night of my life played on repeat in my mind. It had become a regular thing, as the grief following my sister's death had been all-consuming. It didn't help that she had died in a freak car accident. Dealing with the whole thing in general made it extremely difficult to transition back to normal life. I stopped myself, because I hated thinking that. As if anything could ever be normal again without one of my sisters.

————————— One week ago —————————

I was sitting in the office at work, staring at the computer. There were a few hours until close, and I was doing busywork to pass the time. Suddenly, my phone started to ring, breaking the silence in the small room. I checked to see who was calling and found that it was my mother. It was a little out of the ordinary for her to call unexpectedly, but I shrugged it off and made a mental reminder to call her later. But as the minutes passed, the uneasy feeling in my stomach became more intense. I decided that it wouldn't hurt to call her back now.

"Hey mom. I saw you called. What's up?" I greeted after she answered. I wondered if she was going to go on a rant about work or ask me a random question.

"Alyssa, your sisters were in a car accident. I'm on my way to the hospital where they're taking Jordan." There were a few moments of silence. "They can't find Hayley." My breath caught in my throat. Emotions clouded my brain as I tried to comprehend my mother's words.

"A car accident? I didn't even know they were going anywhere tonight. What happened? And what do you mean they can't find Hayley? Like, she's in an ambulance and they're not sure where?"

"I don't know." My mother answered. I could hear the anxiety in her voice, and it sounded like she had been crying. I had to hold back my own tears.

"What about Jordan? Do you know anything?" I asked, aware that my voice was shrill.

"She has a few broken bones that need set. She has to get surgery. I'll keep you updated."

"Alright. Have Jordan call me before she goes into surgery, if you can. I love you, and be careful."

I tried to stay as calm as possible. I called around to see if someone could close the store for me. Nobody answered, so I had to wait to leave. I sat in the office and watched the clock anxiously.

As soon as 8 o'clock hit, I was out the door and in my car. I probably broke a few laws driving home, since my main objective was to get to the hospital. I pulled up to my apartment, threw the car in park, and raced upstairs. I looked for a change of clothes and anything else that we might need at the hospital.

I hadn't been inside for two whole minutes when I got the news that Hayley hadn't made it. I fell to the ground, screaming in agony, as if someone had ripped my heart out. I guess, in a way, someone had. There are certain things in life that you just can't prepare yourself for and losing a sibling is one of them.

I had never even considered the idea of one of my siblings dying. If anything, it should have been me, since I was the oldest. I just couldn't wrap my head around the situation. So many things were going to change. It was just too hard to accept that this was real life. It was too new, too strange, and Hayley's absence was going to speak volumes wherever I went.

After I spent a few minutes composing myself, I got in the car and drove to the hospital. Jordan had broken her femur and one of her shoulders, and they needed to put a plate in her leg. She called me on my mom's phone, and we talked quickly before her surgery started. Our voices were wavering with tears but I made sure to tell her that I loved her.

The next week passed in an exhausting blur. I sat by, silent and numb, as we completed task after task. I went with my mother to the funeral home to make arrangements, we responded to messages filled with questions and condolences, and we spent every other waking minute at the hospital, watching Jordan learn how to walk again. Soon after, the funeral came and went. The memory of carrying my sister's bright blue casket through the snow to her grave was still vivid in my mind.

—————————— Present Day —————————

"It'll be okay, it's just a few hours. You can do this..." I mumbled to myself, taking a deep breath. I closed my eyes for a brief moment. All I wanted to do was crawl into bed and go to sleep. But instead, I scooped up my car keys and left the apartment to go to work. Thankfully, the drive was quickly over. It was a Sunday night, so I expected it to be slow, but I didn't want to deal with people at all. The plan was to avoid as many customers as possible.

I ended up spending most of the night in the back room, doing what I do best: organizing. I had always been an extremely neat person. This led to hours spent deep cleaning, rearranging and organizing. It was a good way to calm my feelings of anxiety or to work through my messy emotions. My sisters had been the exact opposite, although Hayley was definitely worse about it. Her bedroom was always a constant tornado of clothing and miscellaneous items.

After the accident, I began to comb through her room as a coping mechanism. Mostly it was to see if there was anything important in her room, such as important documents, money, etc. But on another level, I did it so that I could be with Hayley. Her scent was all around me, as I sat amongst her clothes and books and collections. I thumbed through her journals and books, looking at her handwriting and her drawings. Sometimes it felt as if Hayley was still there.

The night finally came to an end, so I shut the store down, and said goodbye to the cashier on duty. I wanted to get home and get a good night’s sleep before tomorrow’s project. I was going to my parent’s house to start sorting through Hayley’s desk. After the short drive home, I parked the car, and headed inside to get ready for bed. Snow began to fall outside the bedroom window, and eventually I fell asleep to the sound of it hitting the windows.

The next morning, I ate breakfast and got my things together. My parents didn't live too far away, but the trip to their house had become filled with unspoken words. I knew that there was one less person waiting there. I loaded the car up with some boxes and packing supplies and then headed over to the house.

I pulled up and parked in the driveway. My parents weren't home, but I knew Jordan would be. I went up the stairs and knocked on the door. My sister opened the door in crutches, her right leg wrapped in a cast.

"Hey."

"Hi hun. How's your leg?" I asked, walking into the living room.

"It's okay, I'm in a little pain. I was about to take a nap. What's up?"

"I'm just here to go through Hayley's room."

"Oh, cool. If you need anything, I'll be in my room. Let me know if you find anything."

"Will do." I kissed the top of Jordan's head and walked to the back of the house. Hayley's bedroom was stationed in the middle of the hallway, across from the bathroom. Taking a deep breath, I pushed the door open.

Inside, it looked like Hayley had just been here. Her bed was covered in stuffed animals and her favorite blankets, her bookshelves stacked high with books and journals, and her clothes were scattered across the room. I had gotten used to being in here, but it still brought tears to my eyes.

I sat down on the floor and pulled out my cell phone. Usually, I played music that Hayley would've listened to, although there were a few songs that I just couldn't bring myself to listen to. The first on the list was always the Unforgiven by Metallica, which was one of her favorites. As the music flowed through the room, I picked up item after item with careful observation. Eventually, I moved over to the desk that sat in the corner of Hayley's room, and smiled at the drawings and words written all over the top. I started with the drawers. I opened the top left one and sitting in the middle of the empty drawer was a little black book.

Frowning, I picked up the book. I couldn't remember seeing it before, and I wasn't sure where Hayley would have gotten it. It looked like one of those fancy black leather journals that cost more than $20. I ran my hands across the front before I opened it. It was soft, something that would have caught my eye in a store. Tears came to my eyes as I opened it. Hayley's messy handwriting filled up the first page.

To my sissy -

I have no idea what this world has in store for us. I have watched you for a long time now, growing up side by side, and I have watched you go through so much. I can't thank you for everything that you've done for Jordan and I, and I hope you know how much we truly love you.

This little black book holds a check for $20,000. I couldn't think of a better way to pay you back after all these years, and I wanted to ease your struggle. I don't want to hear anything about how I got the money either. You can use the money to travel, buy a house, whatever you want. All I ask is that whatever you do do with it, please document it in this book. One day I'd like to look through it and see all the things you accomplished. I love you so much.

Love,

Hayley

I sat in shocked silence, holding the book in my lap. I stared at the check for $20,000. It was the craziest, best gift that Hayley could have given me, and though I had questions that could never be answered, this meant that I could finally live.