My little inspiration

A tear ran down my cheek that night as the clouds began to form for an upcoming storm. It had been an amazing few weeks and the memories which I had experienced thanks to the beauty of this country had found a special place in my heart; especially with me having my little revelation beside me for the first time. Yet despite the feeling of melancholy, a smile grew upon my face as I held my little inspiration, and although I knew it would be the last time for years, the fight that was to come would be worth it.

I hadn’t always been fighting a losing battle; to be honest there never was anything bad enough in my environment to suggest any form of future battle. Growing up it was like my future had been setup for me and expectations were the only signs I could see as I walked the narrow path life had given me. Intelligence and talent seemed to have had assured my path from a young age and with it, the assumption of greatness waiting at the end of the road. The confidence of those close to me, and the boasting that followed only increased the predictions of my future being filled with palpable success. As time went on and that young boy grew the positive signs only grew and with it, the consistent expectations. Yet nothing could have prepared me for the unexpected hurdle that would confront me.

By the time I was barely a teenager an unexpected darkness had grown within me. There were no major circumstances which invited this destructive force yet I was unable to fight it off! It began with a few random nightmares, images that haunted me at nights but some were so bad, that the aftermath of those dreams lingered during the day. I began to fear having to sleep, worried about what horrors I might see that night. There was no cause nor reason, no excessively dramatic event that blew up in my mind, nor any clear reason for why it began; but it just did and only grew after each waking day. As days turned into insomnia I would constantly wonder where it had begun. Confused I lay awake night after night, trying to find a reason and a way to defeat the demons that surrounded me, while still trying to keep the charade that I was still the marvel I had once been.

I could feel the horrifying endless war within my mind as the good in me battled with the demons which were constantly trying to break in! The good and everything that defined who I was had tried desperately to defend itself like an outnumbered diminishing army trying to defend its crumbling castle walls. Yet despite the bravery, the demons of uncontrollable depression seemed to grow in numbers. Each nightmare, each failure or mistake that I made was like an addition to the demon army within me until finally the day came; my defenses had fallen and the good I had disappeared within dark forests in my mind. I was alone and lost in a dark space without any visible exit.

The years that followed were filled with sadness and insomnia as I tried desperately to find a solution without feeling the shame of asking for help. Growing up as the protector of weaker friends and family, mixed with a fighter’s spirit, had increased my ego and that alone was enough to deter me from revealing the truth about where I was headed. Or was it the fact that to cry for help would mean having to admit that I had fallen far from the road I should have been on, and I simply lacked the courage to do that. Whatever the reason, what I realized was that depression had become the only source that my shivering soul desired, and even though I could see the problem as clear as day, I had no idea how to get out of it. After some years, I lost the will to keep fighting.

That is until I found myself in the Philippines, looking with amazement at the massive mall which I had travelled to. Although I was excited by the news which had brought me to this exquisite nation, the fear I’d lived with for so long caused me to doubt that it would change anything within me. Without the ability to control myself I had fallen so far from grace over the years. Anything that had once been good within me had either vanished or been lost so deep within the shadows that there would most likely be no way to get them back. I had given up a long time ago and spent each day simply trying to survive, or to at least feel a little bit human; even if just for a moment before reality kicked in every time. The truth of my life at the time was that I was lost. However, all that changed instantly when I heard a single, sweet word; daddy.

In a flash the good within me, which I thought was lost, appeared from the darkness. It was like a once defeated army stood up, battered and outnumbered yet filled with energy and inspiration and prepared for war! I had travelled thousands of miles to meet my 3 year old daughter for the first time, and as she held my hand and looked up at me, a shy yet excited smile on her face, I knew right away. The good within had never died, it had only been in hiding, and now I’d found the inspiration I needed to battle the demons which had unexplainably controlled my life for so long.

Despite the excitement and joy over those few weeks, it was also a troubling time as I knew it would be the last time I’d see her or my older future step daughters for several years. Having been controlled by darkness for so long I knew there was a lot of work to do to return to normality. There were debts to pay, demons to defeat, careers to fix, and a diminishing health to improve, yet I was determined to win. I had failed my own hopes and dreams yet I refused to fail my daughter. As I stepped onto the plane on the return trip home I took a deep breath and took one last look, excited yet afraid of the battle that awaited me once I arrived home.

They say that time flies by when you’re busy and I realized how true that was when I returned to the Philippines years later. It had been a difficult time filled with so much physical and emotional work that, although I had defeated my demons, I was exhausted. Yet a tear of absolute joy rolled down my cheek as I watched her little hands waving excitedly for me from the waiting area of the airport. It had taken years after that first day, but the fight had definitely been worth it. She was grown up now and clearly shy but, the joy and excitement was in her eyes as I stepped closer to her.

“Hi baby. I’m back” I smiled at her and she nervously hugged me as I picked her up and as each second went by, her hug grew tighter and tighter until finally she whispered

“I missed you daddy.” I closed my eyes and smiled as I realized, there were still a lot of battles to fight, but I had won the war.