My Dad Has Dementia - Journal Entry #6

It's been nearly a year since we had to put Dad into a memory care facility. It was getting to the point where he really didn't feel like his home was his home and he kept wanting to leave. There were accounts of him out walking down the street, waiting outside the house late at night with a box of clothes as if waiting for someone to get him, and other times walking purposefully in the direction of his childhood home.

At what point do you know that it's time?

In hindsight? You just know. Trust your gut and act on it. I've heard too many stories where it was just too late.

We're so lucky to have found an amazing place for Dad. And luckily, he's well liked by all the staff that work there. The employees are exceptional. And Dad is an exceptional human being. Sweet, kind, helpful, fun, funny, and just someone everyone loves to be around.

There's not a moment where I don't visit or pick him up where someone is telling me how much they love him. :)

I'm not surprised. Not one bit.

Lately, he's been a bit more forgetful. Even wondering who my sisters or his own grandchildren are when I show him photos. If I start talking about them, naming them, THEN he goes into that familiar body language and happy pride of who his family is to him. All of a sudden he blurts out the location of my sisters and every now and then gets excited at the thought that they may be here...somewhere close, or even on their way to join us.

There are layers to this disease. (Or diseases - as he is diagnosed with BOTH Dementia and Alzheimers) There were times when I thought he'd never forget his home. He's so deeply rooted there. He renovated it. His yard and plants are a big part of it. His garage, the backyard, and the entire home was the gathering place for family and friends, the retreat, the party house, the place of business, and his sanctuary. It's certainly "his place".

But after awhile, it became unrecognizable to him.

Now, his memory is getting a little rusty where family is concerned. When you're as close as us, you just don't think for a second that he'd not recognize his daughters, grandchildren, or closest relations. (Which are plenty!) Especially since he was the one so many people turned to. We all mean so much to him and we know it. And vice versa. It's always been that way.

But slowly, the retention is slipping away. The progression, like an onion layer. The most recent life events are the outermost layers and as it peels back, more of the past is revealed.

The only thing I can do is to be in the moment and make sure he has a good time in it. If that means talking about the same thing over and over and over...then so be it. He enjoys the conversation. He laughs at the right points in the story, he agrees as if he recalls the whole picture, and he injects generalized statements that could make perfect sense in response to chronicles of good times. The surprise that comes over him is perfectly executed at the exact timing as a minute ago and you'd think he was hearing everything for the first time in a long time.

I started writing a poem. Maybe it's a song. I'll discuss it with my son to see if it makes sense to add some music to it. In the mean time, it's a work in progress. Every part, a place in this journey so far. Mostly the emotions. I'm going to park it here for now to document the evolution - because if there is one thing I'm learning, it's that time is not standing still for Dad, this illness, or any of us.

TALK TO ME DAD

Oh how I wish I could tell you

Something that you’d remember

Every single day going forward

For the rest of your life

🧡

Time has taken its toll

On your mind and your memory

And things don’t make sense

Like they used to back in the day

🧡

So talk to me now, Dad

Let’s keep strolling through the past

Where things are making more sense

And are simpler to convey

🧡

You see, now is all we have

And I’ve learned to accept

That love is the answer

That your heart still understands

🧡

It’s not been easy

For you to figure out

Where it all goes

Or why it’s all out of place

🧡

You hide your fears so well

And you’re still the protector I know

Even if your armor

Is hidden beneath your pillow

🧡

So talk to me now, Dad

Let’s keep strolling through the past

Where things seem to make more sense

And are simpler to convey

🧡

One day you may not recognize me

But your heart will know me no matter what

Because love is the answer

That our hearts will forever understand

🧡

Where are you now?

Can you find your way back for a moment?

I don’t want to lose you

Not just yet, not just yet

🧡

I can see it in your eyes

You know more than you can say

I can feel it in your hands

And hear it in your laughs

🧡

So sit with me, Dad

Let’s just be here in the now

Where things are making more sense

In the silence we convey

🧡

The foundation we have built

Will never go away

Because love is the answer

That our family will always understand

🧡