My Dad Has Dementia - Journal Entry #5

Today the nurse came over to my dad's house to check on his wound. He was recently hospitalized due to an infection in his leg. It's been a tough and long road since his body doesn't heal as quickly as it should.

I came to the house in the morning. He was outside looking through the mail that just arrived. By all characteristics, if you had no idea about his dementia, things would look pretty normal. The truth is, it's been nothing but normal these days. He used to sort the mail regularly and make sure everyone's mail was in their respective piles. My mother started leaving boxes with labels on it so that he knew which mail went where. These days, mail goes missing, gets hidden, or just ends up lost.

While we waited for the nurse, I explained that there was someone coming by to check on his leg. He understood because he keeps looking to his leg and talks about the swelling in his foot.

Some days are good and other days are not so good. Today seems to be a good day.

Out in the garage there were things around that looked different than the day before. He was cleaning out a toolbox and lined up a bunch of woodboring drill bits. Even if I knew what they were I asked him with curiosity, "What's all this?"

He was able to explain it to me and actually picked one up and showed me how that bit could drill a hold in the wooden door we were standing near. He said it could be used to drill holes in a wall or through studs in case they need to send any piping through.

Pretty good memory, I thought. We had a nice chat about all the tools and he seemed happy to talk about it.

When the nurse arrived I was in the house and he was still outside. He started to lead her upstairs to the tenant's home but I caught them in time. She laughed and made him comfortable saying, "I was wondering where you were taking me!". He laughed and they made their way in the house.

He seemed to know what was going on and had a great time with her. He answered all of her questions correctly, and it really was fun to see and hear the banter between them. She made jokes about his hearing (he doesn't have a hearing problem) and he pretended to not hear her. (at just the right moments) At the end, she had him sign off that she was there and he knew exactly what to do.

After she left, I told him that I had to get to work. He said, "Ok, I'll see you later."

Even if he saw me out, as I drove off to leave he stopped my car. He was red in the face and I knew something was agitating him. I rolled down my window and asked him if all was ok. He came up to the car and asked me "Where's my car?"

Uh-oh. We've been down this road but why is he asking now? I told him that he doesn't have a car any longer and he gave me a look like he didn't understand AND he was upset. "Why? Where did it go?", he asked. I said, "Remember? We got rid of it because it was broken." Ok, that's totally not the truth but it's all I could come up with on short notice. (We actually got rid of it when he got lost last year.) He kept asking why it wasn't here. (Pointing to the driveway.) I kept giving him the same answer. He looked at me with a stranded expression and I could see his seething glare of frustration.

I didn't know how to help him any further.

I was quiet and then I asked if I could take him anywhere. He said NO but he was clearly upset. I told him that if he had anywhere to be that his tenant, his best friend, mom or me could take him. All he would have to do is call. I also reminded him that his best friend was on his way to pick him up in the afternoon to take him out.

He proceeded to tell me that he didn't have anyone's numbers while he looked through his phone. I stopped the car and showed him that we were all programmed in his phone. He wasn't having it. He was upset. He said, "Yeah, I know."

I was holding back tears because I could feel him and didn't know what to do to make it better. Nothing I said could fix this. And clearly there was nothing I could do to make things better. The loop was going round and round and he was adamently aggravated and not budging.

Could it be that he just doesn't want me to leave but doesn't know how to express it? I understand that he could just be afraid to be on his own knowing that his mind is literally slipping away from him. Could it be a biological function or malfunction of his brain that just causes moods and thoughts to swing up and down at any given moment?

How do I tell the difference?

We went round and round for a bit and then just decided that I needed to commit to an action. "Dad, I really have to get to work right now so I will see you later ok? Uncle will be coming to get you so just stay put, go back to organizing your tools and show him your progress when he gets here." He seemed to switch (kind of) and said "Ok, so just go organize all the tools back in the box and Uncle's coming to get me?". "Yes."

I said goodbye and before I could drive off he stopped my car again. I rolled down the window and poked my head out to hear what he had to say....

"Eh, where's my car?"