Mum, can you love me as I am?

Growing up, I was not your average obedient child—a girl who despised mundane routines and caused endless disagreements. I chose to be a nonconformist in my family and community. Because I felt strayed and deep inside me, I had a longing to go home, wherever that was.

My heart told me to pursue the unknown path, so I traveled in the endless dark, not knowing where I was going but knowing that the dark trenches would take me to daylight. The journey was hard. I could feel my stomach in knots and barely close my eyes any longer. It was time to take my blindfolds off.

Day by day, I was drowning in my own miseries; the water was getting deeper and deeper. I knew that sooner or later, I would run out of oxygen. I needed to breathe. I felt suffocated by my own emotions.

Every night before bed, I laid in my sadness, staring at the bedroom ceiling pondering on the purpose of my existence. What was the Universe's plan for me?

To begin with, my relationship with my mum was never a warm and affectionate one. At six months old, she gave me to my grandmother for adoption. Although we lived next door to each other, I always felt lost and abandoned.

I grew up independently and moved 2,000 miles away to build my own life and to avoid further rejection. I deliberately created a new life that was designed around safety and comfort. Inside me, the was a hollow.

It was a dark lonely night; a ray of light entered my room. I was touched by an angel who filled my room with love, grace, and acceptance. I felt awake from a deep slumber. I could feel that the Universe was looking after me.

I found the courage to leave my old life behind, including an 18 year relationship. I took on the path of less traveled – soul searching deep inside myself. It was a hard decision to take without much support from my family. My mum could handle it and decided to forget I was hers.

My divorce forced her to face her own cold hard truth, sadly it was too much for her. She didn't dare to walk out of her protective shell thirty years ago. Shame and guilt settled her back into life. But deep down, she couldn't stop regretting her decision.

My stubbornness was my greatest strength and kept me alive. When I looked into my daughters' eyes, I knew I made the right decision. I am their role model; my thoughts and actions define their values. And the most important one is self-love.

Every night before bed for four years, I sent love to mum from a distance. A pause in our relationship is what we needed most. We see everything clearly when we are not so emotionally attached to it.

It was dawn, I saw the silhouette of my mother; she looked me into my eyes and for my eyes cried in pain.

I cried to her, "Mum, do you love me and accept me for who I am?"

Mum, would you still hold my hand if I did not live to your expectations? What if I decided on a different path, which was unknown and one you did not wish for me to take?

I sobbed to her and asked her to please understand I could no longer bear to shrink myself to other's wishes. I never dared to ask my mum, but I could feel her presence in the room, and her love comforted me.

I knew my mum loved me, even though she was tough, but she sacrificed a lot to be the best mother for me. She loved me from a broken place, being rejected when asking for love. Everything made perfect sense now.

The relationship between mum and daughter is a special bond. A mother is willing to be a villain to create a condition for the daughter to be a superhero.