Mothers' Love

It’s not like I had never hit rock bottom. I had been homeless off and on since I was 19. I usually hid out, couch surfed. Begged. This time it was different. I sat there with two babies in my arms confused to how I’d even gotten there. A month ago I was at my mom’s house laughing and getting to know her for the first time. The next thing I knew I had filed my taxes and my mother was dropping me off to my aunt’s house in Indiana. Her husband wasn’t happy with the new living arrangements. They were moving to Arizona the house was to be closed and given to the bank.

My aunt who lived in a small home with her own family could only help us for so long. “You need to go to the shelter. A friend of mine said they’ll help you get housing and a job.” I shrugged and said okay what else could I do. I had a little money saved but not enough for a car or apartment. I also had left the job I had back in Chicago and no one was taking me back there. I had nothing to go back too.

I had a small double stroller I bought at a flee market. I put my babies in there and I marched up and down the South Bend streets going from the aide office and Jobworks putting in more miles on that stroller than any thing. Then the time came for us to go to the Shelter. I sat in the small lobby of what looked like a dorm. A strange man muttering to himself paced back and forth. A small stout woman with long locks came to what looked like a window. She towered, leaning out yelling, “CHARLIE SIT DOWN! I’ll be with you in a minute.” She closed the window and walked off the platform that the window was on then around to a door. We could see her because the walls weren’t glass but that weird bubbled plastic that was opaque. We heard a buzz. This small but jolly woman walked up to me and said. “ Hello Honey what’s your name? Are these cuties with you? Are they twins?” The two smiled and gurgled and bubbled which drew an awwww out of the rosy cheeked woman’s face. She looked like a Rastafarian Mrs. Claus. Her blond locks partially unravelling in a mystery of what happens to a hippie's hair when it is complete and in tune with itself.

I was too busy staring at her and wondering what am I doing here? She said “Here, come with me to the desk.” We were buzzed in. Charlie started to grunt “I DIDN’T FORGET ABOUTCHA CHARLIE YOU KNOW CHECKIN ISNT FOR ANOTHER HOUR! That’s Charlie he’s harmless. Just doesn’t have the energy to wait in the crowds so I check him in early to avoid the stress. He usually showers and is ready for dinner.” She smelled like citrus and wore the most calming colors of khaki long pants and a sky blue shirt that was oversized.

Once through the door there was a supersized desk area that looked like an enclosed small stage. It was walled off by a wooden half wall that allowed you to look down at anyone that approached. We walked around it to a half door that lead up three stairs. “I’ll grab this end you lift, honey. I KNOW to let sleeping babies lie,” she chuckled gesturing her head down at the two who slept heads touching. I lifted and we entered the hidden area. There were two desk and what looked like a bar to lean on to look down at who ever came up to you. I looked around like a lost lamb.

“First things first. Hi my name is Cheyenne.” She reached out to shake my hand then promptly sat behind a desk inviting me to do the same

“Hi, I’m…” my name sounded alien to me.

“Let’s do a quick intake on you then we can do the tour…So what brings you to Open Arms?”

Outside of the fact that nobody loves me…I thought to myself. I sighed and told her my story as quickly and painlessly as I could minus most of the gory details.

“Can I hug you?”

“Uh…SURE.” I was a hugger but nobody had hugged me in so long. It felt foreign.

“Come on let’s take you on the tour and I’ll introduce you to your host mom. She’ll show you the family floor and bring you to dinner when it’s time.”

We brought the stroller from behind the big main desk.

“To the left is Mrs. Marney's office she’s the head of the women’s dorm area. Its opposite your sleeping area. The families get their own rooms and when you are in transition you’ll move to a bigger room so you can start to save and move . You’ll see those rooms later that’s upstairs.”

As we walked past, Mrs. Marney's room we walked next to a large sitting area with a huge tv.

“This is our main entertainment room. We have games, day parties and holiday celebrations here. Also at night we let our overflow sleep here on the floor. We try not to turn anyone away.”

We walked into a small corridor to the left is our outdoor patio and to the right is our chapel. A woman stood in the chapel doing what looked like an acupuncture healing session.

“Some of our staff are more spiritual in nature. So, if our clients don’t mind they work some other forms of healing here to help out. That’s Noel." The lady waved looking up from her healing work. The chapel was mostly that opaque plastic except for the door that was glass like a store front. Once out of the corridor we were in a large lunchroom.

“This is the dinning hall it holds over 100 people for breakfast, lunch and dinner. It’s open all day for those who need to microwave. We have two evening snack sessions one for residential clients and one for our walk ins after they settled so they can have a hot meal and snack.”

This place was so clean and organized I’d never seen anything like it and there was more we walked down another corridor to..

“This is our daycare! It leads to our education center where we do a program called life skill.”

We walked past the daycare doors to a hallway with an elevator.

“This elevator takes you up to life skills which you will start if you are here for a month. Daycare starts next week because a few hours a day you will be assigned a job.”

“C Can’t bring them with me? We’ve never been apart.”

Cheyenne chuckled. “No, honey, you three have got to get use to being apart. So you can work and get your life going. They’ll be fine.” She said rubbing my arm. “I have two that’s all grown up. You’ll get use to it. Heck someday you’ll beg somebody to take them!” She laughed.

On the second floor was three classrooms and a big main hall. “ We have monthly meetings here with all our residence.” This place was huge and it didn’t seem so bad. If we take the elevator down there is a small gym attached to the health clinic if you need a doctor there is one here Monday through Friday also a nurse practitioner and a small nursing staff. Check ups are mandatory for you and the kiddos. You must be seen this week if you stay.”

As we walked back to the lunch room a very tall woman approached us. “DOLORES!” Cheyenne gave her a big hug. “Dolores this is our new mom.” I looked up at this tall smiling woman who stuck her hand out to me. “Hi! I’m Dolores!”

“I just told her that D!”

Dolores laughed loudly. “Forgive me, my nerves are bad. Welcome! OH and who are these two!?” She bent down into the stroller as the twins cooed and bubbled at her. “Oh they are precious! Hi little ones I’m Auntie D!”

She ushered us back to the front of the building. “ Let me show you, your room! It’s right across from me!” When we got upstairs there was a big desk to greet us and a young girl popping her gum was on the phone. She shouted “Hey Mom!” to Dolores..

“Are you done with your homework Makenzie Danwood??”

“No Mom… Awww awesome NEW BABIES.” Makenzie hopped over the desk. She was my height, so I knew she would be tall like her mom.

“Hi babies! HI, new mom!” she hugged me. I smiled “How old are you Makenzie?”

“I’m 15”

“She’s 11. Makenzie cut that out!” Makenzie leaned dramatically over the desk

“But don’t I LOOK 15.”

Dolores and I looked at each other and said “NO"

Makenzie deflated like a hot air balloon

“Well can I push the babies?”

“Sure,” I said a bit hesitant. Makenzie took a sharp left and tore down the hall way… I almost passed out. Where was she going!!

Before I could scream hey get back here. Dolores touched my shoulder. “She’s headed to the playroom let’s go.” We walked down the empty hall to the right of us were doors

“These are some of the mothers’ rooms.” To our left in huge open space where Makenzie and the twins were.

She already had them out of their stroller on this big mat. My little man was crawling all over. While little sister just did the baby wobble on her hands and knees. She face planted and started to cry. To their left was a baby swing. I picked her up patting her and put her in the swing. She cooed happily.

“We have a swing at…” I stopped…”I guess I’ll have to sell it. I doubt there will be room here. The play room was lined with 3 couches and 3 doors. Next to each couch were baby toys like the swing and two bouncers. Then a tv was mounted on the wall.

“We rent movies and have movie night sometimes. Just something us moms do if we have extra cash we pool in our snacks and let the kids have a good time.”

“I’ve got tons of movies.” Makenzie's eyes lit up “Hey Best Friend” she slid over by me. I laughed

“OH YEAH I PLUM FORGOT.” Dolores hopped up. “We gotta show you your room. Do you mind if I just take you? Its right across the hall here.”

I looked at the twins. Makenzie said, “I got ‘em I love babies plus we playing.”

Dolores ushered me out the door then two doors down to our room.

“Sorry the windows. We had a child fall so they never let us open them again.” The windows looked like the ones in a prison a small slit that if you got on a chair you could look out of.

I looked around the room it was a basic small dorm room just enough space for two floor beds and a desk. On the desk was a welcome basket with bottles towels soaps. It was empty but now it was safe. It was home.

“It’s perfect"

Dolores scoffed. “I don’t know about perfect but it’ll do. Dinner is at 6. If you want to arrange stuff and get toiletries we can. There’s a closet down stairs with diapers and soap, clothes that are donated and each child gets a stuff animal to comfort them.”

I pushed the two beds together and moved the desk Dolores plopped into the desk chair.

“How long have you been here Dolores?”

“Me? Off and on for about 7 years. I just cant seem to stay on my feet. They say I’m manic depressive among other things. Being here sometimes during the dark times has been helpful and a comfort for Makenzie.”

I thought to myself. Seven years I cant do seven years here! My mind was already racing with what my next move needed to be. Suddenly we heard a lot of loud noise.

“Ah all the kids are home.”

We walked back to the play room it was filled with kids and mothers.

“How many families live here?”

“20. Mothers and children only up here. Even if it’s your child once he turns 18 he can age out of here to the men’s dorms.”

“That’s what’s happening to my David" a mother said loudly. “Hi I’m Barbra!” I waved and smiled back.

“So I'm confused, I though they got you housing and helped you find a job?”

The room exploded with laughter.

“Jobworks helps you find a job then this place collects rent from you. Not much, but too much if you ask me! Hi I’m Rachel by the way and these are my busybodies Gracie and Channel.”

The two girls looked six and seven they clung to their mother then ran off to play.

“They save that money for your deposit on your apartment, girl stop! Hi I’m Junie by the way. These are my boys. Doc, Taylor, Martin, Freddy, Jack and little Robert.” Her country twang was cute to me. Wait six boys in these rooms? She looked at my face.

“No we’re lucky we got a transition room because of how many we are and one is on the way. My husband and I always wanted a big family.”

“DINNERTIME!” Dolores shouted. “You can meet more moms there.”

The dinning hall was empty.

“COME ON MOMS AND BABIES COME AND GET IT!” A small man shouted from the kitchen

“That’s chef ignore him he’s a flirt" Dolores informed me. “They feed us first because we are the messiest and usually need the most time for clean up.”

Everyone sat down happy, chatty, excited. The food was good. The twins ate some mash potatoes but I knew they wanted to nurse and probably settle in. I snuck away while everyone was preoccupied. I rushed to the elevators my eyes were welling up with tear. I bolted down the hall praying no one was around. No one could see me.

I could feel my chest tighten as I closed that door. Looking at the two beds pushed together to make one. Someone had put a crib in the room. I pushed that crib to a corner. I had never used one and I wasn’t about to start. We never slept apart.

Time sped by I just sat there holding them. Trying to figure out what I had done to deserve this? What could they have done? Two innocent babies? I heard the hallway fill with people then the sounds die down. I saw shadows come to my door stop then keep going..

My sweet little girl went straight away to sleep but brother was never easy to bed. He nursed and stared at me blankly. I was already somewhere else. It was sinking in. I was in the shelter with two babies all alone. Terror crept over me and I started to shake. The tiny room started closing in on me. Maybe if I took my life someone would have pity on two beautiful babies and take them in. They didn’t deserve to be stuck with such a failure of a mother. I was useless. I should have never gotten involved with that man. Turns out he never even loved me.

They would be better off. Maybe then they’d get a mother and a father. Everybody loves babies. Someone would adopt them both.They’d never even know I was gone. I couldn’t give them up for adoption but if I was dead. They’d get a good home. A good family.

I’d have finally done something right…right?

The world already kicks you when you’re down. It blames mothers for everything and a single mother might as well be the fuck up of the year…So that would be better right?

Then it happened. My baby boy started screaming. I tried to nurse him he wouldn’t latch. I tried to rock him. I kissed him. I patted him nothing was working. I had broken him. He was broken! I had only held 3 babies before them and now I was a complete failure. He was screaming, crying and then I started crying. Then I heard a knock at the door.

“Hey are you okay in there?”

“…yyyes, no it’s okay.” I said in a loud whisper voice shaking.

“But the baby is really wailing in there are you okay?”

“YYYES WERE FINE” I yelled but now my little girl was awoke giving both of us a glare like if you two don’t shut up I’m trying to sleep!

I heard more women at the door.

“That cry doesn’t sound fine.”

“Sllhe really needs to let us in.”

“The baby will wake up the whole building.”

He had went from screaming to 4 alarm fire and I couldn’t think straight. I finally swung open the door and eyes filled with tears “I BROKE HIM! HE WON’T STOP CRYING AND NOW I CANT STOP CRYING AND I HATE TO CRY in front of people…”

“Awwww honey!” The moms rushed in and Dolores took him gently from me. She and Barbara looked him over ooo I see a tooth coming in I got some baby numbing cream,” Barbra said rushing out of the room. Dolores started patting him and out came the loudest farts..

“Yup gas" June snapped her fingers “I got some baking soda give me one of those gift basket bottles.” Debra tossed it her way. Rachel who had disappeared yelled from the bathroom I got the bath water ready!”

“Alright little man we are going get you right as rain. You too momma,” Dolores said patting my back too

Before I could think to say anything Makenzie was with my baby girl on the bed, patting her back to sleep.

Barbra was teaching me how to rub the numbing cream in his mouth. Then Junie handed me a bottle and he was sucking down a small amount of baking soda water and the burps and belches were happening all over. Rachel gave me lavender. Which she put in the bath for him and she said “Bathe them both in it. It will soothe and calm them although baby girl is snoring already.”

Still grumpy and burpy Carter whined for Rachel. He had spent all evening with her practically.

“I don’t mind walking the hallway with him. My girls are completely asleep. They haven’t heard a thing”

They placed baby girl in the crib. While Rachel shuffled up and down the hall with my moody little man. We sat in the play area for a second. We prop the doors open so we can hear any cries, whines or sniffles.

“We moms come here sometimes and chat or play cards or just for a moment.” Barbra said with a sigh

“I’ve got teenagers but I remember,” she chuckled. Looking at Rachel walking my son. My eyes glassed over. I was in shock and amazement of these women. Strangers to me they didn’t judge me they just came right in and helped me.

“Its hard but you’re not alone anymore.” Dolores said patting me on the shoulder. “I know its rough but we’ve all got it rough if we cant help each other what’s the point. People come and go from here but we’re always family especially us mothers. We have to stick together.”

I was in tears again. I didn’t have much sense of family but I was learning what one could look like.

We spent a month with this routine. If he was nothing he was definitely consistent. As soon as 8 pm hit we already had him bathed and numbing salve, gas bottle and Rachel ever ready for his hallway stroll. He wouldn’t go to anyone else and we TRIED. Rachel was his walking buddy.

I will NEVER forget these women. For this month alone wasn’t their only acts of kindness towards me and my little family. This one moment, their ability to love and care for a stranger, it saved me in more ways than they will ever know.