Motherhood

What does it mean to be a mother? Is it the endless nights spent catering to your kid(s)? Is it the cuddles and giggles that you get in gratitude to the love you give. Is it waking up with both your boobs outside of your tank top as if a ghost carefully moves them every. single. night. Let’s be honest here, motherhood is like you made your very own masterpiece but despise the mess you made in the process. The crying. The sore body. The tired mind. Did I mention the crying? It’s as if they want you to explode. You try to keep your inpatient side tucked away, but then night time hits. Suddenly your a waterfall at the first sign of your child not wanting to be in bed. My 7 month old daughter is currently going through mental leap 6 early (whoopefriggndoo). I have never longed for sleep as much as I do at this very moment it’s 4:18 am and I’ve put her to bed four times. I have no bit of tiredness left in me. That’s how tired I am. My brain is in craving coffee mode. I love her very much. She’s my only child. Co-sleeping has worked great for us, but I need my bed back. So here I am telling a bunch of strangers that as much as I love my daughter…WHEN WILL IT END?! Will I ever know peace again or am I doomed for the next 10 years or so to a child that wants me at every moment of every day. I love the bc snuggling, the calling for me, and the nursing. What I don’t love is the screaming when I don’t pay her enough attention, crying ( and again screaming) because she needs to go to sleep, and most importantly MENTAL LEAP HELL. I miss the days where I could give her a pacifier and we both go to sleep. These days I am her pacifier thanks to relatives snatching hers out of her mouth. Don’t even get me started on that. Most nights she won’t sleep without a boob in her mouth. I could go on and on about all the ways motherhood has screwed me over, but instead I’ll tell you how it’s made me a better woman.

Holding my child in her first weeks of life made me realize my past traumas from my birth mother had not quite healed yet. I wipe the tears from her face every time she cries because I can’t stand to see her hurt. Something I longed for since I was about 10 was just to have my tears wiped away. I kiss her when she cries and hold her tight. It can be called spoiling but I support being there on demand the way that she needs me to be. I’m a stay at home mother for now why not enjoy it. I hear the giggles when she sees me, the glimmer in her eyes, the arms reaching out for me, and the smile on her face. It brings me peace to know that she knows I’m here. We were separated abruptly for two weeks when she was two months old due to me being hospitalized . It’s like she never quite got over it so mommy leaving is the end of the world. I wish she knew I won’t leave her again. I wish she could understand I didn’t abandon her. I wish she knew how much my heart hurt to hear her crying on the phone needing me to come home and I hope she knows I’d never leave her again given the choice. I can’t imagine how much she missed me because I knew all I could think about was going home. As I lay here watching her sleep in her crib I can only imagine all the ways to love her. All the ways me and her dad can give her the world. I can only imagine…