Motherhood at it's Finest

I have thought a lot about motherhood since the arrival of my second child. In fact, I've thought a lot about my life in general, the choices I've made, all that grand stuff.

I became a mother when I was just barely 20 years old. That's pretty young, at least in my eyes. I was also homeless and single with no job, no car, no direction in life. If you could picture rock bottom, that's where I was. I had nothing and yet here I was, growing a person inside my body. I thought I was such an adult, and I realize as the years go on that you are still a child well into your early 20's. Whoever made the adult age limit 18 is an idiot.

When I had my son, I had no idea what I was doing. I had no idea what postpartum depression was. I had no idea what to expect. I looked at myself after he was born and didn't recognize the person in the mirror. It felt as if my face had changed, matured. Maybe it was just the exhaustion of having a newborn, but suddenly, I didn't know who I was anymore.

The postpartum was horrible as well. I remember the exact moment it hit me. It was after I had just had my son. We were still in the hospital. Everyone had gone home and it was just him and me in that room, staring at each other. I felt this sudden explosion of regret and fear. I was 20 years old. I hadn't even experienced college. My parent's had kicked me out and I was forced into a homeless shelter. This wasn't how I had seen my life pan out.

I couldn't stop thinking about the gravity of what had just happened. I had just had a baby. A whole human being. And he was going to rely on me for the rest of my life when I couldn't even take care of myelf.

Boom.

Postpartum depression.

So I went through that while his father took me to court and tried to tell everyone we knew that our son was not his. When the DNA test came back that he was in fact the father, he called me a gold digging whore and told everyone and their mother that I was just after him for his money.

I sure can pick 'em.

So while that was happening, I managed to obtain my CNA certification and started working. My son and I clawed our way out of rock bottom together. I then reconnected with my husband and a month after we started dating, we moved in together.

From there I suppose it's history. We had our second child together July 2020 and it has been a completely different experience. It is amazing how different children can be.

My son was content just being near me. He didn't care as long as I was there. He was a relatively good eater and had no health problems until he turned one, which he started having chronic ear infections.

My daughter however is currently 7 months old and she is so independent and just a force to be reckoned with. She is opinionated and has been determined to be alive since she was conceived. She has to be moving and doing something at all times.

My journey with her has been rough as well. We lost our second child January 2019. Then we miscarried our third April 2019. The journey to have our fourth baby was a hard road that I wouldn't wish upon anyone. Losing a child changes you forever. I thought by now that I would have healed in some sort of way, but the hurt is still as fresh as the day we lost Liliana.

Motherhood has changed me. It has made me a more patient and forgiving woman. It has made me grow into someone who is strong, mentally and emotionally, for her children. It has made me happier as well.

I don't bash on women and men who don't want children. I was once one of them. But for me personally, I am so happy that I made these two tiny little people and I have enjoyed every second of watching them grow and develope into the opinionated little people they are.

So I guess the postpartum depression, the exhaustion, the overwhelming sadness and happiness and all the struggles I have ever faced were worth every smile and every laugh and every tear shed from my kids.