Motherhood & Mental Health, how they go hand-in-hand.

As a first time writer, but not a first time mama, I sit here while my two extremely precious boys nap on this rainy day. All day today, we have spent most of our time cooped up in our “tiny home” a.k.a our camper. Whilst we are in the process of selling our home, and taking new life adventures head on, my sweet hard working husband and I have decided to find alternative ways to earn some extra income, and also new ways express ourselves. I came across this website, Vocal, where it just called to me. I have never been a writer or author, but I have a very creative mind. And to add, I have ALOT in my mind.

So, after checking out a couple of the communities, I decided this is the one I will start with. Honestly, besides being just a SAHM of two boys, this is probably the most relevant topic to share about at the moment, and one of the most important.

WARNING: this topic can be triggering, so please continue with caution. I only hope to share in hopes of helping, I do not intend to hurt or upset anyone.

-Motherhood, PPD, Anxiety, Loss of Identity, Discontentment, and Anger

Dating back 2.5 years ago, when my first born son came into this world, I was fully ready to be a mother (or so I thought). My pregnancy was totally unexpected, however during my pregnancy I was almost completely calm all the time. I was totally go with the flow. After giving birth, it became this slow but steady decline in my emotional wellness. I became very anxiety ridden. I had no control over my emotions, it came like a whirl wind out of no where. I lashed out often on my husband. Often blaming him for things that was totally uncalled for. That sweet man has never done anything to warrant me treating him the way I was. I was almost completely consumed in my brain and my thoughts. I just could not escape them! Fast forward a few months, and I began to realize, like “wait? This is not me!”. I finally made an appointment to see my OB-GYN. I explained everything, and they of course said PPD & PPA. I was prescribed two different medications. I DID NOT want medication. I barley take Tylenol for anything, much less something like that. So of course, me being stubborn and borderline ignorant, I stopped taking it within a week of starting. Of course, I stayed on this roller coaster of emotions over the next few months, dragging my poor husband along for the ride.

At just around 8 or 9 months PP with our first, we found out that we would be expecting another bundle of joy. In that moment, I actually was so thrilled. It sent me on a crazy baby high! But that didn’t last, of course. My thought and emotions still had a death grip on me. This pregnancy became very different than my first. It was very obvious I was not going to be the easy going and calm woman I was. These untreated and ignored emotions I had 10 folded while being pregnant. I became so angry, and so inloving. I could barley stand to hold my husbands hand. He would come home after work, and I would hardly give him a greeting. It felt like it took everything in me.

(To put this part into context, once we found out our second was coming, I became a SAHM, because daycare for two was not an option financially at the time. I was doing side jobs, like crafting and baking, from home to make extra cash for spending and gas.)

This overtime became more of a marriage issue between us, because it began over taking every aspect of our lives, it was hard to see past everything to separate my PPA & PPD from actual marital problems.

Fast forward through my pregnancy and the birth of our precious second baby boy, things have not changed. They are amplified. I am a SAHM of two young boys, trying to manage my emotions and theirs. How can I properly do that? I COULDNT.

I could see, as time went on, that my lack of being able to handle my emotions properly was beginning to spew out through my marriage, and my children. I was miserable and so was everyone else. My oldest, began to throw tantrums every single day, and would become very angry. I knew something had to change, but I was still in this mindset of “I don’t want medication!”, crazy right?! Like after all this, I am still reluctant of help.

My husband and I set down to discuss what we wanted out of our future, and ultimately what would make us happy. What would make me happier. We had decided to sell our home and buy a camper, and travel. With the market the way it is right now, that was pretty dang easy. But with all that, came another entire load of stress and anger. Oh buddy.

So for the last 3 or 4 months I had began a fast paced decline in emotional wellness. It was almost physically painful to smile at something. I felt as if I was looking at myself from the outside in. I felt so separated from myself. I had no idea who I was. I had been pushed over the edge. I just wanted to run away. Literally NOTHING would make me happy. I felt as if I needed to constantly search for something to change to make me feel better, like something would just snap in me and I would wake up being normal again.

That did not happen....

So, as of two weeks ago, I started and have committed to taking medication. I decided to schedule a Telehealth visit with my OB-GYN, again. I told them everything. Of course, they was very understanding and comforting.

**I will say this before continuing, I am not a medical professional, and everyone is different. Please consult a professional.**

I went that very evening to pick up my prescription. I remember looking at my husband, so excited to be starting medication. I had been almost 2 years (my second son is now over a year old) in complete misery with myself. It was finally time I felt like I could take my life back and start to repair any damage I had caused my family during this time.

I want any mama out there reading this long and babbling story to know, IT IS OKAY TO REACH OUT FOR HELP. If it is not getting better, you are not alone! Talk to a therapist or a doctor. Get medication if needed. You need to enjoy yourself and your family. You are deserving of that! Give yourself emotional wellness, whatever that looks like to you. You will defeat the darkness and become a shining light again mama.

Thank you for reading my first entry. -Arianna