Mommy's Scared

I think about the first time we locked eyes moments after her birth. I saw a familiar soul and a face I somehow already recognized. In that minute I made the connection that every mother makes and never before had I felt so complete. The first few days were so scary - I was completely responsible for everything she needed.

The first time she waddled across our backyard lawn on Easter Sunday, as if on cue, to make every Easter the day I would remember her first steps. No longer did I have to be responsible for moving her from one place to the next. She could now get there on her own. The first few times were scary - where would her feet take her?

The first day I dropped her off at preschool, her teacher had to hold her on her lap, while she cried and reached out her little arms to me in an effort to make me not leave her. I sat in my car and cried. I didn’t leave the parking lot that day. When they took her out to recess, I watched her from windows that she couldn’t see me in. The first few days were scary - she was in someone else’s care.

The first day in elementary school I left a happy, confident little girl in a world she didn’t know. She wasn’t scared, she was excited. She paid attention in class, she made new friends. Her teachers were now showing her the beauty of learning so many new things. The first few days were scary - she was starting to evolve into a new little person.

The first time I took her shopping for a formal gown to attend the Daddy/Daughter Dance she twirled cheerfully with her best friend, in matching dresses, in front of the dressing room mirror. That day was scary - she loved her BFF more then me that day.

The first day she told me she had a “boyfriend” I smiled at her innocence. She was about 9 years old. Her teacher confirmed her story for me, but assured me they never even held hands, but he walked her to class and after school practice. That was a scary day - she was making her own choices.

The first day of eighth grade, freshly moved to a new school, she bravely went forth into another world I couldn’t be in. I watched as she struggled with homework and friends. I cried after I dropped her off, and I was back in the parking lot waiting for her to emerge and be back in my fold. That day was scary - I had to let her experience new people and new things.

The first day of high school was likely the hardest so far. I had to drop off a frantic young girl and I couldn’t help her face the day. She swallowed her fears and disappeared into the labyrinth of hallways. She came home with a new friend. This day was scary too - she had to overcome her fears without me by her side.

The first day she cried over a boy, my heart broke. How could he not see all that I saw in her? That day was scary - I had to accept that the rest of the world didn’t treasure her like I did.

The day she started her first job, my pride swelled. I was raising a remarkable young lady who was striving to become her own person. The job disappointed her because she wasn’t allowed to work to her ability. That day was scary - not everyone believed in her abilities.

The first time I allowed her to decorate a cake for a customer, I had to stop myself from coaching her. I let her use her intrinsic artful eye and natural talent, things I couldn’t have taught her. That day was scary - I realized the student had surpassed the teacher.

The first time she sold her artwork at a fair, I was astounded. People loved what she did, they bought more then either of us expected. She formed these ideas in her own head without any help from me. That day was scary - she proved she could make her own money.

Now, quickly approaching, is her first day of living in her own apartment, her first day of college, her first adult relationship, her first day of doing her own laundry.....Those days are going to be scary - but this time I won’t be scared because I know she is an intelligent, artistic, tough, strong and beautiful young woman and Is completely capable of starting to soar!