Momma now I know….

Hey Momma,

It's Mother's Day again, and as always on this day, you are never far from my heart. Every single Mother's day for the last 5 years or more, I have tried to write this letter. I wish I could tell you in person. I wish I had told you sooner.

As terrible as it sounds when I was younger, I was not sure you were a good mom. I always wondered why we did the things we did, why we moved so often, and why you were the way you were. It just seemed like our lives were so much different from the other kids. Now that I am older, and have lived through many of life's adventures. Adventures of being a single mom of one for a lot of years, of then marrying and becoming a blended family, adventures of becoming a mom of 3 and realizing that marriage was not always a safe place, that it was lonely at times and hard and sometimes felt like a constant battle. After going through all this, I finally see my childhood in a different light. I see you in a different light.

I now see that although you were not exactly what I thought I needed or wanted at that moment in time, I now know you were the best mother you could be. That you were doing your best at every moment that I thought you failed me. You did not fail me. You were a good mother, and you loved us kids. It may not have been expressed in the ways I thought it should, but I see now, Momma, the things that I missed then. I see now that you were exhausted, hurting, scared, and worried. I see now that sometimes even just mustering up a smile took effort. I can even see the tears that you hid so well back then.

I just want to say thank you. Thank you for shielding us from all the bad. Thank you for teaching me to be strong. Thank you for being the mother that you were. Thank you for not giving up when things got rough, for loving us through it all. I hope I can be a mom like you to my children. I hope I can be as strong as you were and walk through life’s tough adventures without crumbling under the weight. I pray I can shield my children from all the bad, as well as you did. That they will never know the tears that I cry in secret. That they only feel my love for them and not my fear.

I feel like I need to say I am sorry. I am sorry for ever thinking you weren’t a good mom. I am sorry I didn’t understand what you were going through and how you tried each day to be the best mom you could be.

You taught me that no matter what life throws at you to keep moving forward, that you never knew what is around the next corner. To hold my head high and smile no matter what I am going through. You also taught that tears do not make you weak, and sometimes just smiling is enough. You taught me how to love unconditionally, even when life is not going smooth.

I guess in all of this I just want you to know that you are an amazing woman and mother, and I love you so very much. I pray you can feel my love even through the distance that separates us. That you know you were and still are a great mother and role model. I will forever be grateful that God chose you to be my mother.

Love,

Your Daughter