Missing Him

Missing Him

I thought we were going to grow old together. I thought we would have his and hers rockers on the porch and sit in the mid summer air in our golden years but seems there were other plans. It all started that year when the cold over took him and he got sick. Two months it lasted and all the while it was damaging his heart and yet I didnt realize how bad it would get.

They said it was the ”whooping cough” and I thought it was just part of a childhood song. But it impacted our lives none the less. What else could we do. It gave him sickness that lasted for two months and when it was over it left his heart damaged forever. He had two small heart attacks and the result was Congestive Heart Failure and Cardiomyopathy which caused him to need a new heart.

At first his condition wasn’t too bad, a little slow down but he was alright. they gave him medication that seemed to help it wasn’t till a couple summers ago when he had a increasingly bad episode that things started to get really bad. The fluid built up around his heart so much it almost drowned him and he had to be hospitalized to get the fluid drained.

He was a proud man and though we talked about it, death he refused to accept it. And make plans for the future. He said I’m fine and that was that. I don’t understand why men won’t accept help. But he kept living his life unaware or was he? Still not sure.

Time went on and while he must have been sick inside he refused to show us just how much pain he was really in. Day after day passed and he laughed and played with us and treated each day like all was right in the world. He hated to seem needy or weak. But fluid continued to build.

That night was like any other except my daughter was home and see had been ill. My husband was extra worried about her, and wanted her to be seen in the emergency room. It was late and with CHF he wasn’t supposed to be out in the cold night air but he refused to listen. He was admit about taking her in right then.

The night was a typical ER visit he was updating me, were joking, laughing and of course worried about her diagnosis. She needed a procedure and he waited threw it all. He called me that night telling me he was a little nervous about the drive home so I told him to wait until the morning and then drive home. But as stubborn as he was he wouldn’t wait.

The walk to the truck had to be taxing. His breathing was labored when he got to my daughter as she waited in the lobby. She was still under the influence of the anesthesia from her procedure. I was at home waiting on them and finishing the cabbage he spent all night waiting for when I got the call from my daughter.

He wasn’t doing well and had pulled over about a mile from our street after getting off the freeway. She said he was struggling to breathe. Those minutes my daughter spent in the car with him had to be torture. Must of felt like a dream between the anesthesia and what was happening not sure that experience but by the time the ambulance came it was only getting worse and making it to the hospital...

Well he didn’t pronounce dead at the hospital my daughter was alone, waiting my arrival. Worst day and birthday of my life. Yup you heard right, birthday my husband of 18 years married and 26 years total together died on my birthday this year.

It’s been almost a year now and my family is still a mess, and well may not get too much better anytime soon. And everyday I dream I see him, speak to him, touch him, and every morning I wake up and realize he’s gone all over again.. and I’m still missing him.